Falling Into Insignificant Lies And Living Through Falsities...Everything Is Chaotic And Delectable Distorted Imagery... "They tend to be suspicious, bristly, paranoid-type people with huge egos they push around like some elephantiasis victim with his distended testicles in a wheelbarrow terrified no doubt that some skulking ingrate of a clone student will sneak into his very brain and steal his genius work." ~WSB

dinsdag, januari 31, 2006

I have thought of some changes I need to do for myself. Some of which will be REALLY easy, and others very difficult (but nothing can be as difficult as trying to cope with losing someone without physically damaging "coping" methoods). All of which are actually necessary changes.
1. I am not going to do any drug anymore unless I need it (perscribed, something for period cramps, but I can't use those anyway). I have no one to do them with and everytime I do get to be messed up I generally end up staring at myself in the mirror and saying I have gone all wrong (and make myself believe that I have been in a coma since the end of grade 9. I have no eyebrows, dark make-up, deadly ill looking body and complextion). I really can't believe who I am and drugs make it worse because I hate the bad that has become of me. I have actually cried over it before. No drugs.
2. Since he had a problem with my eating habits, I have been trying to eat. Really I end up walking around the kitchen wondering if I am actually hungry and what I would be up to eating. I did this last night because I needed something, most likely hydration and I just looked at everything and I couldn't eat. I don't feel hungry. How can you prove to someone you want to get better when you have fucked yourself up to the point where eating is something that just happens in small doses. I reviewed what I did eat and it was rather frightening. Until I remembered animal crackers, I had 4 small snacks or meals. I am starting to see I don't even have any fat where I believed there was some. When he was curled up to me I thought I was positioned where my stomach sank in and he was touching my hip bone because of it. I thought I would have at least gained some weight over the past while, but I look as though I'm losing more. The tummy I once noticed has disapeared, or at least shrunk. How is he going to believe me? Fuck...
3. Build up. I have too many things I want and need to get done and I need to finish priorities. I'm not doing to bad at that. I'm getting work done which does help my mind get off some of the crazy emotions and stress. I also need a better outlet for pain and stress. Walking helps, reading, listening to music/news radio, naps. Being with my cat helps as well because he has always found away to make me smile.
4. Maturity. I noticed that I do handle situations poorly and I'm trying to take responcibility for my actions. If I want to get my life into order I need to grow up and take action insead of seeing things as complicated. I haven't caved into too much lately. I need to finish high school, get my photographers certificate, and other little things I know I want/need, as well as save up my money to buy something I know I want. I want a house because it has more stability to it. I would want someone to live with though. I can wait though. I have a lock on my door so at least I can give myself some privacy.
5. Depleat depression. It's alright to have bad feelings every so often, but not everyday. No one can be happy everyday. I know that there are going to be really bad things ahead (my grandfather's body finally giving up being the biggest pain to come. He is a skeleton and he isn't getting any better. I'm trying to get over it now so it doesn't hurt as much when I actually have to face it), but I don't want to let that destroy me. I have been putting myself into better moods and trying to keep him in my life as my friend so I have someone to talk to or hug me when I need a little extra support. I'm not going to dump all my problems on him anymore. I'll cry when I need to, but I need to learn to be independant again and not to burden anyone.
I thought there was more. Oh well. If I think of anything I need to improve on I might post it else where. Really I just like having things written down so I remember them or check back to see if I did anything with myself. I'll just write another list. Maybe get one that I will see everyday somewhere in my room so I know what to work on. Hmm...this brain was made for something I guess. I like my changes and actually can look at myself and see something less repelling in my mind. My face isn't as bad as I thought it was. It's clearing of the teenage curse dots.
I'm not doing too bad for once. I get to see him on Friday, and he gets to save me from my family. I hope I can keep him entertained for however long I get to see him. NO CRYING! Emotional trash! Jeeze!

maandag, januari 30, 2006

Why is it so difficult to get over someone? It could be because of taunghtings and feelings, memories, and finding someone who can bring out true happiness and watch them walk out the door. He is the only person who has made me feel whole, like I exist and he loved me. He still does, but his heart is leaving me for her. I am changing the bad depressed me and he can't even give me another chance. I have been able to smile, laugh and behave more humane. I am looking to mature as well. I have been cleaning out my room of practically everything. Garbage bags full of belongings I have barely looked at over the past year. I know any life changes I make aren't going to trigger any emotions or feelings and have him back in my arms.
I have too much hope, but what am I supposed to do when I am slowly losing my first love. I know a lot of people don't get to keep their first love, but all the things we said and planned, the feelings and how close we are still makes me think otherwise. I always see two sides to his eyes. Yesterday I saw a man who had some feelings left that he wanted to forget because he fears the pain. I see so much and he discredits it all. How can you spend so much of your life (we are each others longest intimate relationship) with someone and let it all go.
He didn't even see anything wrong with some of our FRIENDSHIP behaviours (we have always been really intimate with each other. Even when he was dating another girl, we were still intimate, and after that ended we started on our way with a very close relationship. Or atleast that is what I got out of it). He saw no problem with us having sleepovers, and yesterday afternoon is a good reason why we shouldn't. If he wants to remain commited and not follow through with intimacy with me, we have to tame our relationship (which I fucking hate! Having him touch me were the best parts of the week, but it won't bring him back). I don't care if he cheats on her because I have no emotional connection to her and I am dying to get him back, but I could at least be a good friend.
I don't really want to bother with anyone else. I have always had relationship problems and being bi-sexual, I wouldn't know what person I would want to get close to again. People have difficulty understanding me in general and I am not a people person. I really liked how he saw something he liked in me and wanted to be with me. I still wish he felt that way.
I really need to cope with my pain so I won't hide in the washroom as much. It seems to be a safety place. When my life gets better, I'm sure my blogs will not consist purely of my emotional pain. Wait a few months and if he is devoted to her, I might go into therapy for loss of a loved one and start talking about my imaginary life.
So I'm thinking I should live in my head again until I learn to hate him (big fight with him in my mind...or I could just kill her off and live in my fantasy world forever) and not longer want him as my own.

Lovesick and Sex.

Really, there is only one thing I really really want and I guarantee no one can give it to me but him. Funny. I don't want sex, I just want him back. I have been thinking about my future though. He brought up children while over today. I told him I didn't want any, but I realy don't know. A child would probably bring me down to earth and bring me actual joy, but I'm far from ready. If he doesn't come back into my life, I might consider giving myself to another and bear their CHILD. I think one is good enough. He wanted a little girl, and as I look through all my old toys I think of the possiblity that the next time I fall in love I might have that persons little girl. I'm never going to give up on the chance of children, but I have a lot of changing to do and I would have to find someone who actually wants to keep me (and not wants me, wants me, left me. I would gladly have my ex's child, but he says he doesn't want me anymore so that's a bust). He always believes I don't want a child. Right now I am too young, too troubled and too alone. I go through phases where I really want a little child to call my own and where I can't think of it. He has told me that I would make a good mother. Too bad he doesn't want to be my match as the father.

Last night I was filled with utmost horror. I invisioned my once man in the arms of his new lady love kissing her and asking her to be his. I asked him this morning about any developments to complete his attraction to her and he is gone. It is a nightmare and I want to die. I am lovesick and I hate it. I was expecting today to be a fullout nightmare but it wasn't. He came over and we went for a walk along the train tracks. After crying about our relationship, I actually attempted to lighten up. We laughed and talked about random things. It was awkward not holding his hand. We came back to my place where the bad kicked in. We went to my room and he became gloomy which made me see that he really wasn't thrilled to be with me, and he was waiting for his new parasite to call him. After he talked to her on the phone and finding out he couldn't visit her, he stayed for awhile. I was hoping for some rest because he wasn't talking much so I curled up to find him curl up to me. He wrapped himself tight around me as if he didn't want to lose me or let me go. I was very happy to feel his touch and have him so close to me. Apparently I gave him a boner (when do I not do this to him? I cannot name a time) and I told him he could pleasure himself. I over-stepped my bounds and he didn't push me away. He allowed it. I did feel bad because as much as I hate him for leaving me, he does have a 1 day commitment to another. He offered himself to me. I was torn because I wanted him but I couldn't let him cheat. He probably will never admit his deed to her and I had one last chance to have him as mine. His dick apparently was doing all the talking, but the look on his face and his compassion was saying otherwise. Oh well. I might get lucky and have him fall in love with me again...foolish girl and her silly dreams.

zaterdag, januari 28, 2006

Bambi 2? The Horror...The Horror...

Disney movies used to be scary with moralistic messages meant to keep children living in fantasies where girls will find their prince charming and boys...I really never knew what they offered to boys. The really old ones always had beautiful, skinny women (who at some point were princesses) who fell into trouble and had a man save them. Very old fashioned ideals. The real world is so much different. Princess Dianna is a really good example of reality and not of some fantacy world.
So I'm attempting to heal my mental wounds. Life is going to be difficult and if I want to be happy, I need to change this Hell I live. I am so sick of being depressed, stressed, feeling lonely and lost. I will not allow myself to remain miserable. Today I felt horrible, resentful and very alone. I cleared my head with a walk and I did take a nap and now I feel less pain ridden. No one can say I'm not trying to get better. It is so difficult, but I'm putting my all into getting better.
Because I am talking about dancing with someone, I really wouldn't mind doing so. I have never actually slow danced with anyone, but I never really danced with boys unless it was in dance classes. Hell if anyone would take me out dancing, but I only know the polka, swing, some ballet (from watching ballets on television,so I can land without making a boom as well) and some lapdancing. I'm actually hoping to get myself some lapdance lessions soon. I think I would enjoy it. I used to do what I knew on my once companion and he seemed to really enjoy it. Sigh...

vrijdag, januari 27, 2006

Just a Matter of Heart Burn.

So I am frustrated. I want to rip my hair out of my head because I am so sick of feeling horrible. Outside of my blood due any minute, he has made my pain harder to deal with. I know him so well because I knew his answer. I asked if he had an attraction towards this new woman in his life and the reply was obviously yes. They were friends at a time before and they fell apart from each other and now they are getting really close and I get to be left out. He also lied to me which I slightly assumed. She apparently had a boyfriend, but he no longer exists...as of a month ago. I'm sure she is probably attracted to him as well and thus I am crushed. I know he will hurt her as well. I'm not trying to doom them out of spite, but when I needed a shoulder to cry on, he couldn't be there for me. Whenever I would cry over my grandparents being in the hospital he would say I shouldn't cry over it, they are old and I will have to deal with them dying sooner or later (something generally along those terms). I can understand he was never close with his grandparents, but I am close with mine and I have a lot of emotions (being a female, but I have the tendancy to be depressed...more then I want to be). Apparently she is the complete opposite of me...so she is celebate, fat, stupid, overly happy, and tall (though he says she is shorter then me and healthy as opposed to being fat. He didn't say she wasn't stupid though, but I didn't mention that. I'll just make her stupid to boost my fading ego. Childish? Why yes, but only out of being bitter he's making his way for a rebound already). I asked him why he hasn't asked her yet, and he seems indecisive like he always is.
Tonight I was hoping to be happy and like I have someone by my side. He came by, I made him dinner and we talked. When we got into my bedroom, he seemed like he lacked interest in me. However, what was really on his mind was how he was going t seduce me. I told him it is meaningless to him and he doens't want a relationship with my anymore so why bother. He persisted so I cried. He thinks I'm "hot" but he can't find it in himself to show me the love and respect I want from him as his "friend". So we argued about our feelings, his attraction to her, and debated sex. I crave his body, and everything about him (I make him sound horrible on my blog, but he has been a great person for reasons I do not wish to discuss. We become equal bad guys and heros) so it was SO hard to say no even though I was in pain. We didn't actually get anywhere. A lot of touching and the like, but I got him too far and it didn't go anywhere. We hugged for the fifth time and he left.

woensdag, januari 25, 2006

The Pains Of Being Lonely Are Festering.

I do not know why I allow people to treat me like shit or like I don't exist. He doesn't want to see me as much anymore (not like we have seen each other much to begin with) and I'm on the verdge of just kicking him out of my life because this is hurting. I need someone to talk to and he never seems to have the time. I need to find someone who actually cares about me because even though he says he does, he never knows how to show it. He said he could see us back together (dangle some hope in my face) and now he says he doesn't want to even think of it (he doesn't want to bother with a relationship with me). Ouch. He acts like we will be miserable people for the rest of our lives. Currently I'm on emotional hyperdrive so everything is all over the place. He can't say I'll be miserable forever, because I have been finding ways to actually smile and enjoy my life and he won't even notice because he is off being happy with his new taken woman. I don't think he can make himself happy by himself and sees me as the source of all his misery (which I hope is not true because I have done so much to support him and show that I love him like the idiot I am. I was bummed out about having to move back home, but I was over joyed with his want to do something with his life and actually taking action. I supported and dressed him when he got a new job as a deceptive asshole-which was the character he had to play as a clone in this stupid company. I gave him money for his addiction because I cared enough for him to hate myself for supporting something I dispise). I allowed him to walk all over me and for him to say I was greedy. Everyone sees me as selfish. I made my lazy ass sister dinner just to have her tell me I'm selfish. I feel like nothing right now because no one can find the time to show their appreciation for my existance.
Last night I was rather happy because I got to see someone I see even less then I see the man of pain. She was a close friend, but things became too complicated so we only visit when our lives allow the time. Sadly enough, when I was lying alone in my bed, I started to cry. Bedtime is the worst for me because I am sleeping alone and my mind always thinks of him. I imagine he sleeps fine because if he's tired, he can go out like a light. No thoughts of the woman once in his life. Thoughts like that only occures when the subject of our relationship falls into our hotmail conversations (the only time I can communicate with him I feel he will give me the time of day for). I'm getting sick of talking about the bitter end to it all because I end up in the fetal position crying in the bathroom (I don't like people asking what is wrong when I want to be alone, especially in public. If it's not your problem, butt out!). It pains him as well, but that is only from his words and never what I see from him. Unless he was upset over our relationship on Friday which I highly doubt (I only felt miserable because I couldn't do anything to put him into a better mood no matter how hard I tried. We were together for quite sometime until I caved. I knew it would make things worse, and it did. But it seemed he really didn't want to be with me that night which brought me down. When he is pissy, the best thing I can do is not ask questions of why and try and talk about something neutral in hopes he might have something to say. He can't say I didn't learn anything to try and improve our relationship). I wanted to change things, I wanted us to be in a better disposition around each other because I really wanted things to work. He's the one who ALWAYS lets go of me when he doesn't know how to solve anything. I would fix things, but why bother. I need to let go and forget everything he ever meant to me so I can find this so called possitive person he suggests for both of us. Positive people don't necessaraly fix everything. I hate people who can only see things as happy and don't understand how it feels to struggle. My mother and once psychologist are happy go lucky people and you just don't feel right turning to them with all your dark nightmarish secrets and pains. They would feel shitty afterwards because they wouldn't know what to do (therapy, medication, meditation?).

I know how to fix my problems, and right now I don't really want a relationship at the moment (I told him I wouldn't take him back if he decided he still wanted me). It will take quite some time to get better, but I know that I will fix my life eventually...but the matter of him is up in the air.

maandag, januari 23, 2006

Well you've got me working so hard lately,
Working my hands until they bleed.
If I was twice the man i could be,
I'd still be half of what you need.
Still you lead me and I follow,
Anything you ask you know I'll do.
This one act of consecration,
Is what I ask of you.

Promise carved in stone,
Deeper than the sea.
Sever flesh and bone,
And offer it to me.

You just leave me nailed here,
Hanging like jesus on this cross.
I'll be dying for your sins,
And aiding to the cause.

Promise carved in stone,
Deeper than the sea.
Sever flesh and bone,
And offer it to me.

Wrap my eyes in bandages,
Confessions I see through.
I get everything I want,
When I get part of you.

Promise carved in stone,
Deeper than the sea.
Sever flesh and bone,
And offer it to me.
Promise carved in stone,
Deeper than the sea.
Devil's flesh and bone,
Do something for me.
~Nine Inch Nails

I am in a lot of pain right now...as per usual. I want to make everything better and I have been trying, but my efforts are pointless. He says he is in pain, and I would love it if he found it in him to turn to me if he needed someone. Too late now because his plan is to not see me very often for the next while. Ouch. Now I have no one to turn to and I am further alone. He apparently made efforts to be my friend...ok, when we went to a movie on Friday, he acted like he didn't want to be around me. Since we have moved out he has showed some indications of this and it is really hurting me. I want things to return to the way they were...but that is just a memory. I am so good at fucking things up it's not even funny.

donderdag, januari 19, 2006

Something To Look Forward To.

I have decided to give up on humans. I do so much for people just to have them walk all over me. I'm falling back into the old loner me and I'm actually happy for it. I keep talking to him of course, but he is being distant and apathetic. We are going out on Friday which should be nice because then it shows I still have one friend. I have tried to keep others in my life but my efforts go unnoticed or cared for. My existance is unappeciated and I always thought people who put use to their brains had the decency to talk to people they consider friends. I really believe it is my fault that no one has the time for me. Oh well. If I remain alone, the less money I'll spend and eventually I will have the opportunity to buy a house... maybe. However, I will not have any obligations to anyone as I do now. I don't have to loan any of my money to people with spending problems or buy things while in there company. I'm getting my tattoo soon, but I cannot think of anything else to spend money on. Rock climbing if my ex-male still wants to bother doing that with me. All he really seems to want from me is sex, but I could be saying this out of being somewhat bitter and feeling abandoned. Maybe it was all for the best because I have a lot of mental and physical issues to tend to and I'm not looking forward to children as he is.
To be a loner in a torn up society will make me more self-sufficent and I will do as I please locked up in my house to be. It think I would learn to enjoy life a lot more that way. I won't have to rely on man to hear my pleas for sanctuary and sanity. I can have black, red and striped walls and have antiques everywhere. I'll do as I bloody well please and when they have to cart my corpse out of my house the paramedics will be the first to see my mind expressed along the walls of my twisted house. My cat/s will be eating my corpse until my neighbours complain of the smell. And maybe before I die, I could have been happy...even if I become nutty.
My photo project needs to gets started pretty soon, and I need my subjects to actually have the time for me. Since I am doing a paranormal and occult theme, I need to be very precise and I need my subjects cooperation to expose my vision the way it should be seen. I am hoping to get my sister to be a ghost so I don't have to be in every picture. If no one helps me I will have to resort to being the only subject as well as the photographer. I have the cord that attaches to this really good camera I'm using and I only want to use it when I demonstrate old hag syndrome. So I'm the make-up artist, model, photographer and designer (also dealing with lights and atmosphere) because it's my project and my ideas. Too bad no one I know is reliable. In other words, this shall be Hell to try and accomplish.
My room is almost together. I have some posters up, more clothes are hanging up or in their drawers and I don't have too many boxes taking up all the room. My mother is talking about how much she thinks I will make the room look really "cool" because I'm so creative. The last person in this room had a few car posters up and everything they owned all over the floor. I want two shelves, maybe some paint (though I do not have the patience to actually paint the room, it would be nice to have the walls a darker color then not quite neon green) and something to do with all the crap I'm hoping on getting rid of. One of the shelves must be small and not placed to high on the wall so I can put my broken mirror on it. The other shelf will have brakable things and the like. So many plans for a room I do not want to live in forever (my family is driving me and my cat crazy). But I might as well stay there until I have enough money to live off of...unless I really want a house. Then I need to work at my dad's company for the next few years and save all the profit shares. Then fuck you all!

maandag, januari 16, 2006

Frustration and Chaos is My Life

Completely and totally done with the last place I was living in. No more sounds of women being fucked from two floors above me, or having a 30-something year old man hit on me all the time (nope, just a 50-something year old man doing so at work). No more showers in a furnace room, and now I have the time alone to get over him. I miss him so much and I am miserable when I try sleeping. I got to see him on Saturday...moving my stuff into my parents and then after 8:30 that night. He said he would sleep over, but of course he came over to bitch about it. He didn't want to and there was nothing I could do to make him happy to stay with me so I let him go.
I can tell there is something going on. Of course he isn't going to say anything so eventually I'll get frustrated to the point I have to pry it out of him. He was going to go hang around with one of his friends ex-girlfriends (who is now one of his friends) yesterday and of course she didn't show up so later that night when I called him to ask where he packed certain items he took some of his frustration (he also was frustrated with not being able to hear me) out on me. Of course he didn't tell me about this girl...I had to find it out through other means. I want to get over him and stop with my feelings and the more he inflicts on me, the easier it should be.
How long can I expect anyone to be in my life? People walk in and out of my life that I really don't know how to keep anyone. I'm the only one who bothers to keep in touch so I'm guessing that they just don't want to be around me. Reasons why it is easy to believe that I am an unbearable person. I don't even know how much longer I get to keep him. He is definately looking for other women, and I'm still trying to get over him. It is very unequal and it goes to show how quickly he can rebound. I feel so hurt, but what can I do? He is now further away from me and I don't think he wants to be around me as much. Oh well.
I really wanted to speak of something exciting that happened to me, but looking at it now, it's not even something that would bring a smile to my face. I want out of this miserable funk, but I keep making things worse for myself when I try to be in a better mood. Things will change eventually. I just need to give everything time (which I don't even have).

zaterdag, januari 14, 2006

The Need For Coffee.

Moving day tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it at all. My room is obscenely cramped already. The walls bring me sorrow. I can't paint it any color I want but if I'm going to be living there for awhile I want it to look at least close to what I want. Apparently red room make people want to kill there families...or that is the reason my parents gave my sister to why she couldn't paint hers red. My male counterpart has a loving mother who is painting his room black...I am envious (black being my favorite color). Oh well...I might end up living there on weekends again.
That was really nice. We were like a married couple...our situation right now is that of a couple going through divorce. Our emotions aren't that way...just the fact that we will be living away from each other. I'm going to miss him so much. Sadly enough, he gets me to sleep at night. Thankfully I have him tomorrow night.

I need to get rid of my attachment to him or I might never have another relationship again. I am obsessed with this whole ordeal because it is a large portion of my life. He is my only friend, the only person I can turn to and my first love. I'm apathetic towards going out with my sister even though I am pretty close with her. I don't care for getting to know old friends and it is all my fault.
My life is scattered as per usual, but I am picking up some of the pieces to fix my life. Home rids me of my financial instability and allows me and my male companion to go out and do something more often. Eventually I will find a better job and move to a better place and my life will hopefully have changed for the better.

vrijdag, januari 13, 2006

Anything With a Penis is Confusing.

Bad title for something I'm writing up at work. Oh well.
The man who broke my heart is strange. I never know what he wants. I'm going to pretend we are still just really close friends so I don't allow my heart to get crushed again. We are both moving home this weekend so he can save up for collage and I can save up for something I want (a house? an appartment? Europe?). Yeah, he informed me of this decision yesterday so I have been packing like crazy. We were both in decent moods, I was having a small freak out because I have a lot of things to put into a tiny little room and I have so little time to do so. It feels like we are having a very fucked up divorce. We divided our belongings, our children (our cats...but being the female, I might end up with both eventually) and we are going our separate ways. Then last night we sined against our parting demands. Again, he doesn't want to be sexual with me anymore and I resisted for quite sometime (I generally just cave because I love sex, but I was a total nun! For the most part) I lasted about 10-15 minutes and caved. That is actually pretty good for me. Generally he asks, suggests and so forth and I'll say 'no'...then a minute later, 'why not?' It is freakishly hard to say no to someone who is my biggest turn on. I was really trying to be a good little girl who wasn't going to allow either of us cave into something he made into a no-no. Sadly, I don't feel any guilt or sadness because I needed it and I care about him a lot ("I won't spead my legs for no roses" but if I love you I just might be that easy).
Sex makes things complicated, but we never let it destroy our friendship. Our sex lives yes, but we have remained really close for a long time and sex hasn't taken that away. I just hope we can learn to deal with our problems to make things less complicated if we jump into a sexual relationship again in the future. I'm not expecting things to go that way, but I would really love it if it did. Apparently if we got into a relationship with other people, we would still have sleep overs and be pretty intimate together. And we would lose the other people because of it. I find that kind of humorous. He was the one who said it. I'll keep in mind "whatever happens, happens."

I'm hoping to baricate myself in my room to be when I move into my parents place. I don't want to deal with my family and I need a sanctuary. I'll have a laptop so I really don't need to leave (washroom, food and to get out of the house...what else would I need to do?).
Remember to breathe and to not blow things out of proportion and you won't explode.

donderdag, januari 12, 2006

Alive, Not Well and Miserable.

So, surprisingly enough, I am still alive. Not that I want to be, but I am. The most horrible things come at the worst of times. I really want him back, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. Girls really like him and this is where I get to lose him. I'm sure he will do any of his disgusting habits around whatever girl he ends up with and she will either be repulsed and not bother with him or she won't care and he found himself a replacement for me. I want to be happy. I want to get out of this Hell hole. When have I even had the luck to have something go right in my life? Wow...a photography course. I'm doing something with my life.
Why do I bother getting out of bed? Right, I want out of here and money comes into importance when I plan on achieving such a thing. I have no attachments here. He's out of my life, I don't really have any other friends, and my family is something I don't even want to see again (I have a lot of mental problems that developed because of my "loving" family. For example: you try being 108 lbs and have your mother and aunt call you fat. Or try being incapable of doing math because you just can't understand it and have everyone in your family treat you like an idiot because of it. I can think of a lot more examples, but I'll end it here). All I really wanted before Hell broke lose, was to live a decant life with the man who stole my heart. Live in a house we made our own. Work on creating music, have projects that we can finally work on (seeing as we would create a space for them-a place for my sowing machine, his tools, my biology experiments, etc.), and create a life more appealing then before. But that will never happen. I will not give my heart away...at least for a long time.
I was actually a lot happier when I was a loner. I locked myself in my room, read books, wrote what was on my mind and listened to music. I started meeting people and losing people, and then a boy started semi-stalking me. He was in his own little lala land. He tried impressing me, and tried to get me to actually talk to him.
He saved me from myself and became the most important thing to me. Of course I had to lose him. I lose everything that means a lot to me. Our relationship was getting better. We could go a day without having something small and stupid to argue a few minutes about. We finally learned how to talk to each other when things were going bad or when a problem needed some talking out. I love having things fix themself and them having everything blow up in my face.
There is so much I would rather be doing right now then sitting at work doing nothing. I am thinking of quiting my job here to getone where I will get paid more to do what I am doing right now. I don't want to stay too long there because that job alone is far from me being true to myself.

dinsdag, januari 10, 2006

Draining Fluid...

Love is my enemy. I am so miserable and it is so hard to cope with what has been happening in my life. Especially now that I'm only a friend and sexual trash to the person who meant the most to me in my whole life. How am I expected to get over someone who I am so close to? We are both going through very emotionally stressful times, but I hate the aspect of not having him as mine anymore and that I feel more for him then he does for me. I would go ahead and say it's another one of his phases, but I can't just jump to this conclusion in hopes that our life will go back to the way it was. We can still do simple intimate things like hold hands and hug, by why initiate something that isn't felt back. It only makes the pain harder to bear. And then the thought of him finding another. Touching her they way he used to touch me. Kissing her, loving her and slowly erasing me. It is so painful to think of this...and there is a good chance that is something I will have to cope with. It really hurts that he is fine thinking of me with another...probably because I won't jump into any relationship for a long time and by then he will have someone and I will have no meaning anymore. It's really hard being at work because I keep crying, but no has noticed yet. He thinks I'll get over him eventually. Not really, more or less just learning to cope with him not being mine and eventually that he is someone elses's. This came at a good time for him because he is hoping to go to collage soon and there will be plenty of entertaining artistic females there for him. Smart, beautiful and mature females to lure his little heart in. This time next year I will have lost him...or I wouldn't want to know him anymore because another woman has what I probably will never have the priviledge to reclaim. It's so funny that when we were together we were both so upset with the other having friends of the opposite sex because we didn't want to lose each other. Now I'm just jelous and alone because he is now rid of me though he told me to never leave him. I won't leave him unless I feel it is nescessary.
I like it how he stepped out when we were finally getting things working. Our arguements were more understanding and more equal. We were communicating better and getting along for longer periods of time. We were maturing together and thinking of what to do with our future. Thoughts of going to Europe and living in a house together and maybe allowing things to progress into that family crap. Dreams, a boy's big imagination with an infatuation. Now nothing is certain outside of having to move back home into a cubical across from my parents while he gets to enjoy a life without me. I wouldn't mind sharing a life with him that could have finally changed into something better, but it is best if I back down. No one wants an obsessive friend.
There is something pervertedly wrong with me which will make getting over him more difficult. We are both horny, but I'm too depresssed to go to extra means to try and pleasure myself (really I'm starving for him. I love the way he touched me and how good he made me feel). He doesn't care where he masterbates and last night he was doing so right next to me. I shivered and felt very aroused. It bothered the Hell out of me because if we were going to be sexual with each other, I would have the opportunity to enjoy his member. He offered but sex without meaning is cruel. I prefer love making to just fucking. I want these feelings to go away. I want to be happy for once. I'm sick of having to suffer especially when my biggest temptation sleeps in the same bed as me. Teasing me with touching and masterbation.

On a different note, I might not have a docter's appointment next week which will be a plus, but I'll have to get it done and over with sooner or later. I wouldn't mind waiting until my body was a little more presentable.
I don't have much left to say that isn't about my problems. I started my photography courses lastnight. Introduction classes are generally monotonous. My teacher is nice, the class room is too bright and I think I might be the youngest in my class. I already have an assignment due in 6 weeks, however, it sounds easy enough to accomplish by then. I want to study my ass off without forgetting about my other obligations. So little time outside of work. So little energy and mental capacity to accomplish anything.
Pack up
I'm straight
I'm not
Oh say say say
Oh say say say
Oh say say say
Oh say say say
Oh say say say

Wait they don't love you like i love you
Wait they don't love you like i love you
Wait they don't love you like i love you

Made off
don't stray
well my kinds your kind i'll stay the same
Pack up
don't stray
oh say say say
oh say say say

Wait they don't love you like i love you
Wait they don't love you like i love you
Wait they don't love you like i love you
Wait they don't love you like i love you
Wait they don't love you like i love you
~The Yeah Yeah Yeah's

zaterdag, januari 07, 2006

Does one crawl for the sake of love? Does one suffer to show there deepest feelings for another? Will the remnants of strength bring someone back? Can love prove to be stong?

In Memorandum of Saline.

I feel bad that I forgot to put this into my last entry, and really should have written this last Friday. My 3rd grandmother (no real relation, just indepth admiration of her character) passed away and I feel it to be respectable to leave a memorial in my blog for her.
Saline, The Salt Lake Queen
"In a prehistoric dried-up lake,
A million years after the last earthquake,
There lived a little girl who loved to bake.
The only thing she made was cake.
But all she used was salt.
That's all she had.
It's not her fault.
Saline, the salt lake queen

She used a rudimental substance for
An ingredient that she could pour
Into a chalice she carved out of stone.
Her only friend, it was a big black crow
That flew with love.
He would fly high above.
Then look back at her below.

Oh Saline
Only seventeen.
Swollen up with pride.
Oh Saline

Under desert skies.
She's a bromide.
She makes green fire in a tunnel of thorns,
And she's got yellow eyes.
She cook alone amid a brutal ruin.
It's hard to tell exactly what she's doin.
An incantation, then the crow flew in.
And then she took a taste.
The black crow looked into her face

Saline the salt lake queen."
I know this song isn't relivant to who she was...though she lived alone with her dearest pet. I thought of her when I heard it, and it has her name so this is how I shall have her memorandum.

The Life That is Killing Me.

I love you, but I'm just going to stab you in the heart for the 5th time. You should be used to it by now dear. What? You want to stay by my side? Silly girl. You are vile to look at not to mention a torture to live with. Why would I want you? You are sick all the time and boring, not to mention too needy. I want to go out all weekend long and get pissed out of my head. Way more entertaining then fixing this problem you assume we have. I don't want you. Problem solved. Pain? You seem to always feel this pain. I'm sorry you are such a miserable wretch. Darling, that is FAR from my fault. I didn't force you to love me. You just have attachment issues. Please desist from crying and playing these silly blame games. I'm sick of your petty childish behavior. There's the door. Take your cat and leave.

I believe that I am going to saw off a limb or take a carving knife to my chest. My stress level is through the roof and sleeping pills won't even put me to a decent rest. When will I have the priviledge to enjoy my life? I have been trying to change or solve as many of my problems as I can but there is no clear sky in sight. I'm not expecting everything to instantaniously get better, because I know that is impossible. I am going numb, and I'm hoping for a coma...or anything so I can I take a break from this Hell. I am seriously trying, but I want to see anyone do mental work when they are worn to the bone. I know others have had it worse then I have, but I am still suffering. To make things worse, I have no one to turn to for help and strength. I have one friend and they have a life of there own (and he has had issues with helping me to begin with). I feel so trapped and alone.

We needed to talk. It was so awkward to see him. Words were exchanged that were hard to swallow. He pulled me close to him, "Just stay with me." He held me tight and kissed my head. I was trapped and didn't know what to feel. Tears poured from my eyes. It was a comforting but very forgien embrace. I needed a human touch. Some form of comfort. Now alone in misery.
"Just don't leave me..."