The Pains Of Being Lonely Are Festering.

I do not know why I allow people to treat me like shit or like I don't exist. He doesn't want to see me as much anymore (not like we have seen each other much to begin with) and I'm on the verdge of just kicking him out of my life because this is hurting. I need someone to talk to and he never seems to have the time. I need to find someone who actually cares about me because even though he says he does, he never knows how to show it. He said he could see us back together (dangle some hope in my face) and now he says he doesn't want to even think of it (he doesn't want to bother with a relationship with me). Ouch. He acts like we will be miserable people for the rest of our lives. Currently I'm on emotional hyperdrive so everything is all over the place. He can't say I'll be miserable forever, because I have been finding ways to actually smile and enjoy my life and he won't even notice because he is off being happy with his new taken woman. I don't think he can make himself happy by himself and sees me as the source of all his misery (which I hope is not true because I have done so much to support him and show that I love him like the idiot I am. I was bummed out about having to move back home, but I was over joyed with his want to do something with his life and actually taking action. I supported and dressed him when he got a new job as a deceptive asshole-which was the character he had to play as a clone in this stupid company. I gave him money for his addiction because I cared enough for him to hate myself for supporting something I dispise). I allowed him to walk all over me and for him to say I was greedy. Everyone sees me as selfish. I made my lazy ass sister dinner just to have her tell me I'm selfish. I feel like nothing right now because no one can find the time to show their appreciation for my existance.
Last night I was rather happy because I got to see someone I see even less then I see the man of pain. She was a close friend, but things became too complicated so we only visit when our lives allow the time. Sadly enough, when I was lying alone in my bed, I started to cry. Bedtime is the worst for me because I am sleeping alone and my mind always thinks of him. I imagine he sleeps fine because if he's tired, he can go out like a light. No thoughts of the woman once in his life. Thoughts like that only occures when the subject of our relationship falls into our hotmail conversations (the only time I can communicate with him I feel he will give me the time of day for). I'm getting sick of talking about the bitter end to it all because I end up in the fetal position crying in the bathroom (I don't like people asking what is wrong when I want to be alone, especially in public. If it's not your problem, butt out!). It pains him as well, but that is only from his words and never what I see from him. Unless he was upset over our relationship on Friday which I highly doubt (I only felt miserable because I couldn't do anything to put him into a better mood no matter how hard I tried. We were together for quite sometime until I caved. I knew it would make things worse, and it did. But it seemed he really didn't want to be with me that night which brought me down. When he is pissy, the best thing I can do is not ask questions of why and try and talk about something neutral in hopes he might have something to say. He can't say I didn't learn anything to try and improve our relationship). I wanted to change things, I wanted us to be in a better disposition around each other because I really wanted things to work. He's the one who ALWAYS lets go of me when he doesn't know how to solve anything. I would fix things, but why bother. I need to let go and forget everything he ever meant to me so I can find this so called possitive person he suggests for both of us. Positive people don't necessaraly fix everything. I hate people who can only see things as happy and don't understand how it feels to struggle. My mother and once psychologist are happy go lucky people and you just don't feel right turning to them with all your dark nightmarish secrets and pains. They would feel shitty afterwards because they wouldn't know what to do (therapy, medication, meditation?).
I know how to fix my problems, and right now I don't really want a relationship at the moment (I told him I wouldn't take him back if he decided he still wanted me). It will take quite some time to get better, but I know that I will fix my life eventually...but the matter of him is up in the air.