Falling Into Insignificant Lies And Living Through Falsities...Everything Is Chaotic And Delectable Distorted Imagery... "They tend to be suspicious, bristly, paranoid-type people with huge egos they push around like some elephantiasis victim with his distended testicles in a wheelbarrow terrified no doubt that some skulking ingrate of a clone student will sneak into his very brain and steal his genius work." ~WSB

maandag, oktober 30, 2006

"I'm Floating In You..."

The word NO is very important. I need to use it more. You know, to avoid more sexual assault (I never looked at how often people get away with it towards me. Kinda scary). Though I should make a safety word for sexual play. Haha, Mustash.
On another note of sexual play, I got me some flogging! Ooooh!! See, I've never really had an actual heavy flogging (and that wasn't centered around my tushie). I was excited and really happy that I finally got someone to whip me silly. *giggles* Sextera is only a few days away and I can get some REAL toys. Mmm.

I felt like I was in another dimention last week. It was really odd. I was over joyed to see my Polka-dotted-spotted-blondie and we trekked this dimention together. I was plagued with a whore illness which made me a miserable sack of crap...also being depressed didn't help. See, I seem to be nearing homelessness or insanity. My house is just as unbearable as when I left it the previous year, though there is more bitterness and conflict now. If I stay here any longer, I may lose all my hair from stress or chop up my arms beyong regognition. Therefore, I'm homeless and may be moving to Vancouver. Bye bye non-existant money, hello some freedom. I don't know if I even want to move with my ex, but I doubt I could live without him (or at least being physical. I can live alone, but I tend to miss sleeping with someone...sex or not). I guess it's cheaper and we would be seeing each other as if we were actually living together anyway so it makes sense. Just so long as he doesn't hurt me again and we don't live amidst horribly negitive energy again, we might be fine (our last place had depressed spirit of a junkie tainting it...).

Ooh Halloween is tomorrow! Yay! I have no costume. That kind of makes me sad, but no one here want's to do anything with me anyway and I probably shouldn't spend any money. Blah. I'll be a mummy! Hahaha!! A "sexy" mummy too (yeah right). I've begun the carving of the pumpkin because no one in my house feels competent enough to do so. My kitty has been eating some of the gooie pumpkin insides while watching me. He's such a great companion. Everything seems to amazing to him that he get's right in there, watching all my moves. I don't know what to actually put on my pumpkin. I want it to be something sinister, but there are so many limitations when working with a pumpkin.

Uhg, I hate my hair. It's too short to pull back when it's being stupid (yes, because hair has a mind of it's own. Didn't you know that pubic hair is just to make you stinky and ichy? Jeeze!). I want to dye it some interesting color (I even thought of green! I'll probably go back to blue-black) and find a style I would want to keep for a long long time. I hate having long hair because it get's in the way (I base this mostly around sexual acts as well. I cut it once to make it easier...HOW SICK IS THAT?!) and I don't do much with it to begin with, but I can wear it up and with a tickler in it (sort of burlesque) which is nice. I hate short hair because there is nothing I can do with it and actually be happy. I always assume one looks better on me when I have the other. Grr. I might as well just shave it all off and get rid of my eyebrows and go for the ill-look (it's uncanny how sick I look without bangs and when my hair is tucked under a hat). One of these days, I'll win! You just wait and see!

I'm going to be vain, I'm going to clean my room, I'm going to figure out the pumkin and halloween issue and pack my bags again.
(He told me not to eat candy and I can't bring myself to eat candy...)

vrijdag, oktober 20, 2006

"Where There Really Be a Morning?"

This surge of anxiety will knock me flat on me arse.
So I have found a slight interest in a male in my life. How innappropriate. I think I'm just really greedy. I want to take everyone in my life I adore, stick them in a jar and hold them as my own. It hurts my ex to know this. I thought it was more loyal to someone who doesn't want me to tell them of what is going through my head. The thing is, it will fade, as does everything else. How can I love someone who doesn't know me? How can I give up the piece of my heart I have been fighting the greater portion of the year to get back? I have had such bizarre feelings as of lately. I don't feel like myself anymore.
A problem that has arised in my life comes in the matter of relocation. I have been desiring escape for so long, though now I have more emotion in place of this Hell. It's my home. It's where I have people I love. I actually love which is strange, and has obviously become a weakness. My ex has to find a place to live and is considering leaving to BC. He asked if I would go. I really don't know. I love him but what happens when I move my life to suit him and he no longer loves me anymore. That's my basic fear. That I will give up everything for him to have him abandon me. Maybe that's why I fancy others, so that I may have options or even a challenge to seduce, or I'm planning for the moment he breaks my heart again. I'm sick of questioning his loyality, my sexuality, and what I really want. Am I lying to myself?
Why can't my psychiatrist do his damn job?! I want some results. Tell me what is wrong and if it's serious enough, I'll take drugs, if it's an emotional phase, I'll get over it. I need help and there is too much building up around me. I am so happy I can forget my reality in this city to visit a female I care for. Some shared aid for both of us on my trip. I really do miss her and she brings some relief to my madness.

I sort of desire to sell my sexuality for whatever I can get for it. If I am merely an object for men to toy with, why not make money out of it. I was thinking of being safe and getting into more exotic dancing, stripping, waitressing rather than walking the streets and selling actual intercourse. Apparently, heavy feminists and lesbians get mixed up in such a trade because of how disconnected they feel towards men. In a straight womans sex life, it get's more in the way. See this is interesting. From what I have read, this seems 50% true. Valerie Solanas hated men and was an extreme feminist (fema-nazi, so beyond the original ideals of feminism). She was a prostitute for a good portion of her life. As much as she hated men, she used (profitted) them they way she new how (whether or not she really wanted the life).
After my escapes from this reality, I will have to face the mental burdens my ex has bestowed upon me. I do really wish to leave...

Francis Farmer suffered 11 years of her life without actual cause. She was a rebel and locked away in a mental institution, given a trasnorbital lobotomy, and abused by her mother upon regaining a glimmer of freedom. I'm so sick of hearing so much drama (even my own), I would want to see someone go through her misery and tell me how bad their lives were beforehand.