Draining Fluid...

Love is my enemy. I am so miserable and it is so hard to cope with what has been happening in my life. Especially now that I'm only a friend and sexual trash to the person who meant the most to me in my whole life. How am I expected to get over someone who I am so close to? We are both going through very emotionally stressful times, but I hate the aspect of not having him as mine anymore and that I feel more for him then he does for me. I would go ahead and say it's another one of his phases, but I can't just jump to this conclusion in hopes that our life will go back to the way it was. We can still do simple intimate things like hold hands and hug, by why initiate something that isn't felt back. It only makes the pain harder to bear. And then the thought of him finding another. Touching her they way he used to touch me. Kissing her, loving her and slowly erasing me. It is so painful to think of this...and there is a good chance that is something I will have to cope with. It really hurts that he is fine thinking of me with another...probably because I won't jump into any relationship for a long time and by then he will have someone and I will have no meaning anymore. It's really hard being at work because I keep crying, but no has noticed yet. He thinks I'll get over him eventually. Not really, more or less just learning to cope with him not being mine and eventually that he is someone elses's. This came at a good time for him because he is hoping to go to collage soon and there will be plenty of entertaining artistic females there for him. Smart, beautiful and mature females to lure his little heart in. This time next year I will have lost him...or I wouldn't want to know him anymore because another woman has what I probably will never have the priviledge to reclaim. It's so funny that when we were together we were both so upset with the other having friends of the opposite sex because we didn't want to lose each other. Now I'm just jelous and alone because he is now rid of me though he told me to never leave him. I won't leave him unless I feel it is nescessary.
I like it how he stepped out when we were finally getting things working. Our arguements were more understanding and more equal. We were communicating better and getting along for longer periods of time. We were maturing together and thinking of what to do with our future. Thoughts of going to Europe and living in a house together and maybe allowing things to progress into that family crap. Dreams, a boy's big imagination with an infatuation. Now nothing is certain outside of having to move back home into a cubical across from my parents while he gets to enjoy a life without me. I wouldn't mind sharing a life with him that could have finally changed into something better, but it is best if I back down. No one wants an obsessive friend.
There is something pervertedly wrong with me which will make getting over him more difficult. We are both horny, but I'm too depresssed to go to extra means to try and pleasure myself (really I'm starving for him. I love the way he touched me and how good he made me feel). He doesn't care where he masterbates and last night he was doing so right next to me. I shivered and felt very aroused. It bothered the Hell out of me because if we were going to be sexual with each other, I would have the opportunity to enjoy his member. He offered but sex without meaning is cruel. I prefer love making to just fucking. I want these feelings to go away. I want to be happy for once. I'm sick of having to suffer especially when my biggest temptation sleeps in the same bed as me. Teasing me with touching and masterbation.

On a different note, I might not have a docter's appointment next week which will be a plus, but I'll have to get it done and over with sooner or later. I wouldn't mind waiting until my body was a little more presentable.
I don't have much left to say that isn't about my problems. I started my photography courses lastnight. Introduction classes are generally monotonous. My teacher is nice, the class room is too bright and I think I might be the youngest in my class. I already have an assignment due in 6 weeks, however, it sounds easy enough to accomplish by then. I want to study my ass off without forgetting about my other obligations. So little time outside of work. So little energy and mental capacity to accomplish anything.
MAPS
Pack up
I'm straight
I'm not
Oh say say say
Oh say say say
Oh say say say
Oh say say say
Oh say say say

Wait they don't love you like i love you
Wait they don't love you like i love you
Maps...........
Wait they don't love you like i love you

Made off
don't stray
well my kinds your kind i'll stay the same
Pack up
don't stray
oh say say say
oh say say say

Wait they don't love you like i love you
Wait they don't love you like i love you
Maps...........
Wait they don't love you like i love you
Wait they don't love you like i love you
Maps...........
Wait they don't love you like i love you
~The Yeah Yeah Yeah's