Lovesick and Sex.

Really, there is only one thing I really really want and I guarantee no one can give it to me but him. Funny. I don't want sex, I just want him back. I have been thinking about my future though. He brought up children while over today. I told him I didn't want any, but I realy don't know. A child would probably bring me down to earth and bring me actual joy, but I'm far from ready. If he doesn't come back into my life, I might consider giving myself to another and bear their CHILD. I think one is good enough. He wanted a little girl, and as I look through all my old toys I think of the possiblity that the next time I fall in love I might have that persons little girl. I'm never going to give up on the chance of children, but I have a lot of changing to do and I would have to find someone who actually wants to keep me (and not wants me, wants me, left me. I would gladly have my ex's child, but he says he doesn't want me anymore so that's a bust). He always believes I don't want a child. Right now I am too young, too troubled and too alone. I go through phases where I really want a little child to call my own and where I can't think of it. He has told me that I would make a good mother. Too bad he doesn't want to be my match as the father.

Last night I was filled with utmost horror. I invisioned my once man in the arms of his new lady love kissing her and asking her to be his. I asked him this morning about any developments to complete his attraction to her and he is gone. It is a nightmare and I want to die. I am lovesick and I hate it. I was expecting today to be a fullout nightmare but it wasn't. He came over and we went for a walk along the train tracks. After crying about our relationship, I actually attempted to lighten up. We laughed and talked about random things. It was awkward not holding his hand. We came back to my place where the bad kicked in. We went to my room and he became gloomy which made me see that he really wasn't thrilled to be with me, and he was waiting for his new parasite to call him. After he talked to her on the phone and finding out he couldn't visit her, he stayed for awhile. I was hoping for some rest because he wasn't talking much so I curled up to find him curl up to me. He wrapped himself tight around me as if he didn't want to lose me or let me go. I was very happy to feel his touch and have him so close to me. Apparently I gave him a boner (when do I not do this to him? I cannot name a time) and I told him he could pleasure himself. I over-stepped my bounds and he didn't push me away. He allowed it. I did feel bad because as much as I hate him for leaving me, he does have a 1 day commitment to another. He offered himself to me. I was torn because I wanted him but I couldn't let him cheat. He probably will never admit his deed to her and I had one last chance to have him as mine. His dick apparently was doing all the talking, but the look on his face and his compassion was saying otherwise. Oh well. I might get lucky and have him fall in love with me again...foolish girl and her silly dreams.