Falling Into Insignificant Lies And Living Through Falsities...Everything Is Chaotic And Delectable Distorted Imagery... "They tend to be suspicious, bristly, paranoid-type people with huge egos they push around like some elephantiasis victim with his distended testicles in a wheelbarrow terrified no doubt that some skulking ingrate of a clone student will sneak into his very brain and steal his genius work." ~WSB

dinsdag, december 18, 2007

Skin like the wings of a moth.

I feel like Alice in Wonderland because the strangest things keep on happening and I seem to be the only one to notice. I can almost say this has been the most odd year of my life.
At one point I discovered a love-hate relationship with harder drugs. Moments of bliss and peace from reality (which is basically a dream anyway...if you do not know me, you wouldn't understand). I found I forced myself to basically drown out any sense of reality, but only when I was around my ex. He has always been the fuel to my self-destructive flame.
Since my ex and I were living together again, things continued to fall apart between us. He wanted other women, but I wasn't allowed anyone else (well, that's how it felt). By our 2 weeks apart, I discovered how happy I was without him (and was humored by him calling me or messaging me basically every night). I was over him by the time I returned "home." We decided it would be better if I moved out (after moving a few things home one day, we got into a fight the next and I was out that day).
Loneliness is something I am used to. I fall back into myself and feel no need to leave the security of my room (where ever that may be). He has attempted to claim his power over me. He is a wretched, basically full-time drunk who I want to leave behind (I just don't want him dead...he needs to smarten up! He slandered my name to almost everyone we both know. He tried getting me to crack by attacking the people I love-starting lies to manipulate me). I know he only wants to fuck me because I'm familiar and thinks that he doesn't have to put much effort into getting it from me (I can say no now. I love that word! Not everyone listens. It's sick how after you say "no", someone will continue attempting to get what they want from you...then you push them away. I like making assholes feel horribly uncomfortable after pulling shit like that with me. They get to pay for the assholes of my past) (also, with my ex, I cave when I want to, my ex is someone else and it's about what I want).
Being a loner basically all my life has had it's benefits. I don't need a social life, I can cope well with losing people because I always have...my only problem being poor social skills. Surprisingly, I have a social life. I miss the most loyal of my friends, but I do care about the ones I have accumulated over the past...two years? I don't have high expectations for them to last (because the longest friendship I had ended at some point this year and I wasn't informed of this...I kind of had to guess), but I'm trying to maintain them.
But I've been deemed a bad influence...because somehow all my friends who are older then me are too immature to make up their own minds in what they want to do. Passive little me somehow is forcing drugs/inappropriate behavior upon people I care about...

Right now I am truely depressed for reasons outside of myself. My grandmother is in the hospital and she looks horrible. I worked up as much courage as I could to visit her in the hospital (I hate going there because she is always hooked up to an IV, she always talks about how horrible she feels and she tends to look just as bad). My father said it might be one of the last times I would see her alive (he loves talking like that it seems, but he honestly sounded like he was trying to get me worked up before seeing her). She has to go in for surgery, which had to be rescheduled for when her arm was no longer infected (her skin is fragile...the reason she's infected now is because they were removing a band-aid which took a lot of skin off her arm which is now a bunch of large infected scabs).
I feel like she is the love my parents couldn't give me. I have always had a strange fake relationship with my parents (as I have never cried for them). Losing her is going to hit me really hard. At least I'll have a good enough reason to hate Christmas if she doesn't make it, I just wish I had one person to be there for me. I want nothing from my ex.

Oddly enough for me, I have been happy. I have been enjoying myself (excluding more recently). I have felt the amazing feelings inside from having an attraction towards someone again (someone who has been keeping me fairly happy for once). They are taken so I'm just going to ride the feeling until it dies and move on. My job is alright, I do try to spend time with friends and...my hair is slowly growing in, which is nice.
The extremes this year have been insane (unbelieveably good or crash and burn bad).

So this is the third time one of my buddies has asked me on a date. Every time he does I don't know how to respond. I've never been on an official date in my life and him and I have never actually gone out anywhere that wasn't a bar or club. I don't like him that way. I'm not even sure what I want, but I am sick of men (but continue to be awkward around women).
Love...I'll always be a fool. "Like a moth on love's bright light, I will get burned each and every night." I hope to find the person that will last and who wouldn't think of treating me the way my ex has. Patience and fixing my life come first.
I don't want to be stuck with my ex forever (the only way I could even consider attempting a relationship with him again would be if he does a FULL turn around or he will throw me back into the pits of destruction).

I was informed one night by my drunken ex that I was still in a relationship with him. I was surprised and far from impressed. He tells me he loves me, and I'm clueing into the fact that we are falling back into our old patterns. I woke up at his house one morning, got ready for work and crawled into bed beside him to cuddle before I left. I realized what I was doing, how I was becoming his property again, and left. I was frustrated with myself. I still am. The last thing I need is to return to Hell because he's playing with my loneliness and emotions. I'm out and I'm staying out (I don't even want to think of being with him again. I WANT HIM, DESPARATELY, TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE).

My attraction has been walking home from work with me. It makes for a good ending to a long day...

(Christmas is reaking. I plan on getting wasted in hopes that the day would be more bearable. Grandma in the hospital, the 20 year family war...then all the festive crap...enough to give me more reason to be sauced)