Falling Into Insignificant Lies And Living Through Falsities...Everything Is Chaotic And Delectable Distorted Imagery... "They tend to be suspicious, bristly, paranoid-type people with huge egos they push around like some elephantiasis victim with his distended testicles in a wheelbarrow terrified no doubt that some skulking ingrate of a clone student will sneak into his very brain and steal his genius work." ~WSB

woensdag, september 22, 2010

Random Jumble Before Good Radio Listening...

Firstly, I had a little relapse in the mental health department. Feeling much better after the fact. Always helps to let a little insanity out in small bursts...I think. Definately need to let it all out as it's eating away at me and I'm destroying my relationships with others when I let it out unknowingly.
Secondly, I don't want to remove the only form of contraception that has worked for me. I kinda want to just disapear and never go to the appointment to remove it (2 more years). Hurt a lot to go in, fear taking it out...It's my safety net with random bouts of pain.
Thirdly, "I'm so mad at myself, I don't want to talk to myself or look at my face in the mirror." Haha, odd little quote I wrote myself. When you are so used to hiding away from people, you kinda get sick of your own shit.

Radio is driving me nuts. FM doesn't seem to work in the house, AM is loud and clear...The one show I've decided to listen to until Coast to Coast AM comes on, is infuriating. Fun to listen to while running around the city with nothing to say to the other person in the car. Not so much while trying to paint cards for friends. The opera is nice though. Seems random and not like what is actually on the radio.

Living in my head, in my dreams. It's nice as life is more interesting for me (this coming from someone who lives in an odd little world to begin with). Definately helps with the going to sleep issue. I have to make up things that will never happen, because they never will happen. It could just be forsight or wishful dreaming...yeah...weird...natter natter...Creepy.

Ooh, time to go...yay!

woensdag, september 15, 2010

Feeling Rotten

I look and feel like I'm rotting away. Legs are purple, blue, red & white, with bruises that have their own colour. Carrying home groceries earlier felt like someone was dragging from behind me. No idea why, or nothing that really makes complete sense. Maybe I need a routine to follow for once. Randomly wandering around the city at all hours of the day and night, sleeping when my brain finally wears itself out...not the best routine to have. My mind cuts out mid-sentence and I start mumbling nonsense when I'm trying to have a serious conversation.

Men must cry a lot as I have caught many crying. It's really odd. While I was heading to the grocery store, I ran into the young annoying guy from downstairs. He had tears welled up in his eyes and he wasn't sure where he was going, but he was trying to avoid me. He asked for a cigarette, I told him no. I asked if he was ok (stupid girl, keep walking! Be heartless!), "yeah, my girlfriend just broke up with me." I got outside. Walked to the steps, paused, when to the window and knocked (something I never figured I would do myself, like the random people who show up at all hours). I gave him a cigarette and continued walking. I'm a sucker for man tears, probably because they are so confusing. Of course it's not that strange to see a skrawny, 18 year old (I think), try-hard "tough" guy cry. I could beat this little shit up if I wanted to. However, this older guy I once knew, made of muscle, scary looking monster if you weren't on his good side. He injured himself and I, of course, was the only one to see him cry.
And women are the fairer sex, how? We cry, of course, but it seems like we are just like men in our own special way, but better at a lot of things. I'd go on, but I just like leaving in there. :)

Ah, what an odd day. Had a lovely discussion with my ex. It was actually pretty upbeat and enjoyable for the both of us. People aren't happy that I'm talking to him again, but I can't just leave him high and dry. I don't view him in a sexual way at all. So I still find him handsome, but there's a mental block keeping me from even wanting to see him naked. I just really missed having him as my friend. We are disgusting, weird, fucked up, childish and the words flow out. Everytime I try to socialize with people I've lost touch with, I think of things to say and shut myself down. They don't care about your random thoughts or adventures or things they have never even heard of. I open my mouth, and then close it and look away as though I'm with a stranger. My ex and I are annoying and disturbed and trained in the ways of each others random nerdiness. 1st edition William S. Burroughs! Yay me! He was the only one who understood. I even enjoyed the envy, like a spoiled child on the verge of smacking me and running away with it. He's like my fraternal twin who got more of the depression while I got more of the crazy. Bwahahaha!!
Yes, I'm pathetic for caving and forgiving and washing away all the hard feelings. Oh well. I will have no one to cry to if or when he hurts me again. It's my own fault. But then he loses me, and I'm frickin' awesome...sometimes.

Halloween!!!! It's raining outside and I want to go dance in it! I'm trying not to get all excited for Halloween if I'm just going to sit around in my crappy homemade costume, drinking and watching horror movies alone...again. Last year was my first time going to party since grade 11 and it was awful. I was followed around like some bratty child, even though I hid alone outside (and may have badgered some drunk guy from the party next door who walked over to pee by the balcony I was on) 95% of the night. This year though, my fake hubby *giggles* (even if it was just some random drunk rambling, it's nice to pretend to be normal and think marriage is something I could do...I'm not expecting anything from him) wants me to do make-up for him. Maybe he will invite me to something that he will be going to. Then I could have plans! I would have made something people will actually see that isn't my quilt worn as a skirt. Or the one of my random print t-shirts. Then I could get some critique, until people are too hammered and hoping that Leeloo's boobs pop out. Otherwise, I'm sure I could amuse myself. It's a pretty spiffy holiday for things I like to do...*more evil laughter*

Good mood, yes...
(If I could keep you alive, by any means, I would. Just too stupid and oddly egocentric to tell you when you needed to know.)

zondag, september 12, 2010


So happy I can delete posts.

Things have been entertaining. I've had a bartender give me his number and two other guys trying to get mine. I was helping my buddy clean houses and didn't dress to impress. The owner of the first house was home, which I find is awkward. At the end he asked for my number so we could go out for coffee. I stared at him like he asked me something in a foriegn language. Of course that probably didn't make him feel very good. What do you expect from someone like me?
Lastnight at a house party, I kept noticing some guy staring at me from across the table. The Jenga tower was between us so everytime I looked at the game, I could see him. He followed me around, chatted with me. When I came back from smoking, he hands me his phone and told me to put my number in it. I went to his notepad feature and wrote "no." He sat close to me when I was watching people play Crib and handed me a sheet with tic-tac-toe set up on it. After no one won, he wrote (area code)- - and a happy face. I wrote "brat" in where my number was meant to go. He drew a sad face and left the party.
In conclusion...I'm not looking for anyone, I am content. I barely can put the effort into a social life, let alone attempt dating strangers (well, dating in general, but sometimes it's easier if you know the person). Lately, people seem to have been drawn more to me and I hate it. By the looks of it, I'm covered if I do want a relationship.

Here's another fun issue; being social. Talking isn't coming easy to me. The party lastnight was mentally exhausting as I had to talk to strangers who were drunk and I was sober. I crashed in a bed upstairs and felt a sigh of relief to be alone. Of course, I wanted to be in my own bed, but one desire at a time. I hid the other night while out with one of my close buddies. It was a nice night out and all, I just found myself drunk and alone listening to music for a little while (happy until the alcohol hit my mind in a sour way).

Things have been pretty good, outside of the contagious depression that seems to be going around. Also doesn't help that I keep wanting to just relax with my cat, in my bed, and instead I get up and go everytime I'm invited out. Tonight should be good for that. Clean a little bit, listen to some radio, maybe read or write or something. Turn off my phone and just breathe.
I miss my roomies, but it is nice to just have some quiet time, alone at home.

My brain is shutting down it seems, so I think nattering has become more of a chore. Can't write anything of interest (well, I could paraphrase my deleted drunk rambling post), so best not write at all.
(I've slipped away from the rabbit hole as the madness was getting to me. It will find me and drag me back, as it always does. Greatful for the momentary escape...)