Falling Into Insignificant Lies And Living Through Falsities...Everything Is Chaotic And Delectable Distorted Imagery... "They tend to be suspicious, bristly, paranoid-type people with huge egos they push around like some elephantiasis victim with his distended testicles in a wheelbarrow terrified no doubt that some skulking ingrate of a clone student will sneak into his very brain and steal his genius work." ~WSB

vrijdag, januari 12, 2007


My life is never going to get better it seems. I have been trying so hard to make this year better, however, my efforts have been worthless. Currently, I'm dying emotionally. This neglect is building up and I wish I was actually dying. I hate myself, I hate everything about myself and I really just want to end my miserable life. My job and the sleep it brings me are my only escapes from these thoughts and feelings. I don't even have my cat to bring me a pinch of happiness. I'm sure he hates me for ditching him (totally against my will, mind you). Being awake for about an hour, and all I can do is cry.
My ex seems to feel nothing whatsoever about me. It's funny that I felt this shitty this time last year. I just cannot escape this negitivity and this self-loathing I continuously feel.
How can I love myself when I can't keep the most important people in my life? How can I give love without recieving it as well? I feel as though everyone I know has given up on me. I feel so unloveable, shuned and not worth hearing.
Fuck it all. Fuck. I'm SO fucking sick of trying. NOTHING is working. NOTHING is getting better and I am SERIOUSLY sick of it. I'm giving this year a chance until I finally have an uncontrollable break down. Then I can't say what I will do. I really don't care enough to take ANYONE's feelings into consideration because no one has shown me that I matter. As greedy as that sounds, I'm sick of being alone.
I wish to devote my life to one person. The one person I desire, the one person I have attempted to show how much they mean to me, could probably careless if I live to see another day, or at least wouldn't notice if I went missing.
I hate myself and I desire to die.

dinsdag, januari 02, 2007

My Heart is Going on Empty.

I have no one right now. I feel so alone. Everyone has someone they can devote themselves to, if even only for a short while. The one I wish to be devoted to can't seem to find room for me. Why do I put myself through this? I just desire someone to curl up at night, someone to hear my pain, someone who will make me feel worthwhile and who can love me as much as I love them. My heart is in a slump and thanks to trying to consider my sexual well being (birth control), my hormones are out of whack as I am on my period for the third time this month (at least it has kept the having sex past at bay). I'm getting older, my life is going no where, and I'm not looking forward to the future.
I guess I can't complain. There is someone out there who asked of me to be with them. I felt we were to big of opposites and the aspect of another male in my life just didn't thrill me. I would want a woman, though I doubt things would be any better and I shouldn't be so picky.
So it's a year since I was packing up to move home. Soon it will be a year from when I lost my ex to another. I doubt he could ever be satisfied with having just me in his bed. God that makes me feel horrible. For a good portion of my relationship with him, I felt that I was the most important person in his world and that we could be happy together. He didn't have anyone else for a long time, then boom, I'm replaced. I still don't understand how easy it was for him to hurt me like that and fuck some slut months down the road. Dare I still believe he loves me (I'm still hesitant to believe him and I still don't know why I hold on a lot of the time).
Fuck, I'm miserable. Tomorrow I plan to make things better, but that is never guaranteed. Everything I get excited about, everytime I'm happy, everything blows up in my face. I just take moments for what they are and hope for the best.

A new year...time to stop being sexually assaulted, to stop fighting like a child (end the tantrums), be more creative, finish high school, do drivers written exam, and if I'm allowed it, happiness and love would be lovely (I'm not expecting much there).
It's best if I crawl into my empty bed (my cat moved with my ex and I hate it) and hope slumber will claim me.