Falling Into Insignificant Lies And Living Through Falsities...Everything Is Chaotic And Delectable Distorted Imagery... "They tend to be suspicious, bristly, paranoid-type people with huge egos they push around like some elephantiasis victim with his distended testicles in a wheelbarrow terrified no doubt that some skulking ingrate of a clone student will sneak into his very brain and steal his genius work." ~WSB

maandag, oktober 04, 2010

Babbling in the Rain

I wonder if many people have dreams that take place in the same strange locations as previous dreams? Places one has never been to before in real life, and the dream is completely different, it just uses the same locations. Like continuing waking life, same surroundings, different day. The dreams I had today (as I assume they were too different dreams) took place in such recycled places. One was in this weird house which always starts off extravagant, kind of empty, the windows open with storm clouds outside, the wind blowing the curtains. There's always some kind of gathering, like a party, but not really as festive. Then by the end of the dream, the house is disgusting and eerie, the people seemingly have gone home or sleeping around like a crack den. This dream had one of my girlfriends boyfriends, who I don't know all that well. I think I was clinging to him for safety or some form of comfort. He didn't seem pleased with me being there, but I can only assume I was lost or trapped there and was hoping for his help. I wandered around aimlessly a lot for the whole dream. It was like being at a bad party on acid and having no where to go to just get it all out of your system, to feel comfortable. Don't care much to see that house again.

The next dream was in some odd little gypsy/hippy camp (new location), where I was living with animals, which were ALL illegal (as in, no animal was allowed anywhere else, otherwise it would be killed), and a lot of random people I didn't know. Someone I'm really close to was a bird...Duh, that's how they have lived in so many different places! Jeeze, how foolish was I to assume they just kinda traveled in human forms of transportation. Haha, their friend was a possum...doesn't this all just make so much sense? Also the fact that I have no problems whatsoever communicating with these animals, because, you know, they were people once. I didn't see this as a dream at all...wow. I don't remember when my friend turned into a rat, but I know it was so that I could hide them better (why can't they just turn back into a human so we can go shopping without me having to hide them in my clothes?). So, I was driving some van with my critter friend, when I was stopped by the patrolmen who were keeping an eye out on animals...I was surprisingly calm with a rat up my peasant-like skirt. I made it to the fleamarket with no other issues (the market was in two different dreams. One where I was infatuated with a girl and wanted to buy her something to show my affections. Another where a girl and I are getting supplies for the zombie appocalyse. Two locations kinda smooshed together). Eyes were on me as I wandered around for something of actual interest. A patrolman asked what I was looking for (maybe noticed I was muttering insanely to myself...My friend tucked in my sleeve) and I searched my head for something and came up with Ani Difranco. "Oh, try over there." I believe I was about to get into trouble as I think someone had one of those creepy see EVERYTHING under the clothes x-rays in handheld form and they were about to see the shapeshifting loved one I was smugging around with me. I watched another animal slaughtered...I didn't want to watch my dear friend die...luckily I woke up, and they are human and I feel a whole lot of crazy.

And I'm guessing I'm supposed to figure these out? Yeah, good luck. I can remember so many parts to so many dreams...decoding all the warped little adventures I go on would take awhile.

Much better than a man's voice whispering "hey" to wake you up, and you find out you're the only one home...then hear about a car crash and fear the worst.

Thankfully, it was probably just Eddie. He doesn't like how I told him to leave me alone, so my door opens a lot, all on it's own, the house locked up (no windows or doors open, or anyone else awake or home)...I made peace with him lastnight, saying I missed him, and liked him much better than the idiots, the wastes of human flesh, downstairs. Seriously, I felt safer in the basement of a house in a REALLY shitty community, all alone in the house except for animals and the hangedman, than I do here. Strangers at all hours of the day (mostly night), walking into our yard. Some hopping up on out deck. That was merely to steal recycleables, but they were on our fucking deck! Not an easy, single person climb, and the bushes make the fall or getting down in a hurry, quite unpleasant.

I miss the feeling of being attracted to someone. It's thrilling and awkward and makes me feel dizzy and I'm incapable of creating sentences. I blush, moronically, when they talk to me, feeling sick and pathetic once they walk away, confused. I miss the excitement and complete fear of going out with the person, casually. The hope of them noticing me, of maybe finding my incoherent babbling around them, inticing. "Do I stand out? Am I attractive in their beautiful eyes? Does their heart hurt, their insides feel just as sick, when they see me? Ugh! Why must I feel this way?!"
I hope only to feel infatuated. I never want to attempt to claim them as my own, bestow my love and affection on them. I'd rather have my childish attraction then invest in another broken heart, or to be just another game.

You cried so deeply over me. I never knew you really cared. I could have had such beauty, but I was seduced by what was wrong for me, as is always the case. I do love you terribly, and I regret what I have lost.

*sigh* Time to rest, if I can. Want to accomplish somethings tomorrow before the lazy kicks in.

zondag, oktober 03, 2010

Running Nucking Futs.

Don't you just hate it when you live with someone who can't afford their keep? I know, annoying! Fuck, I've turned into that person. Because of random work, I got used to money coming in last minute to save the day. Now I should really get my ass in gear and attempt normal people living...which requires at least something sort of normal for a job. Some neato modeling gigs, creative stuff, some creepy stuff...at least I'm looking. I wouldn't mind something flexible so I can go out of town or help out some friends with their projects.

There's one Hell of a story running amok in my head. Nothing I should publicly announce, but it was like being abducted by aliens...sorta. Late at night, makes you feel sick inside when you find out that it's not a dream...probes...hahahaha, not really (at least I hope not. That makes me feel much worse at that thought). It would make a good story for an M. Night Shamalama-ding-dong (as I'm too lazy to look up the accurate spelling) movie. "What a twist!" Someone would have to be a psychotic killer, and it would be WAY too easy for me to name who (not me, surprisingly). Still getting random information...still deeply confused...really happy I'm not waking up to it anymore though...

You kinda just put on your crazy face and ran with it and everyone saw it as normal. Kudos. I want to make money off your insanity as mine surely cannot compare.
Another note on crazy; fuck, I hate drunk me. It's like your mind stays home in bed while your body is rented out to the nuthouse (or someone who really shouldn't have control of a body). I used to remember EVERYTHING, now it's just moods and the basic events of the night (which comes in handy for finding a safe place to crash). Luckily, I haven't been drinking much at all anymore. Throwing punches at my ex-boss because I've been drugged and made over-intoxicated is one thing (one pretty bad thing)...being a cold heartless bitch is another. I do naturally push people away (it's from being a loner who's sick of being hurt and from having loved the wrong person who convinced me no one actually cared about me, no one is actually my friend. Yeah, try that one on for 4 years. I really need to rip him a new one for that if I'm choosing to associate with him again. Dreadful fucker)...I've done some horrible things, said or thought of some horrible things, about almost everyone I love.
Back to the drawing board...This model needs an update if it should be successful.

Bah, I'm sick of obsessing over sleep, I'm sick of waking up like a grumpy bear and I'm sick of the lazy streak. I have a cat who's on his last strands of happy with me...It's really late...I have some jobs to apply for in the sunny part of the day and need to get ready to embrace some money, yay! (Me being hopeful, as though a job will just point to me and say that I complete it...also because I'm thrifty and have bags of goodies to sell.)