The Life That is Killing Me.

I love you, but I'm just going to stab you in the heart for the 5th time. You should be used to it by now dear. What? You want to stay by my side? Silly girl. You are vile to look at not to mention a torture to live with. Why would I want you? You are sick all the time and boring, not to mention too needy. I want to go out all weekend long and get pissed out of my head. Way more entertaining then fixing this problem you assume we have. I don't want you. Problem solved. Pain? You seem to always feel this pain. I'm sorry you are such a miserable wretch. Darling, that is FAR from my fault. I didn't force you to love me. You just have attachment issues. Please desist from crying and playing these silly blame games. I'm sick of your petty childish behavior. There's the door. Take your cat and leave.

I believe that I am going to saw off a limb or take a carving knife to my chest. My stress level is through the roof and sleeping pills won't even put me to a decent rest. When will I have the priviledge to enjoy my life? I have been trying to change or solve as many of my problems as I can but there is no clear sky in sight. I'm not expecting everything to instantaniously get better, because I know that is impossible. I am going numb, and I'm hoping for a coma...or anything so I can I take a break from this Hell. I am seriously trying, but I want to see anyone do mental work when they are worn to the bone. I know others have had it worse then I have, but I am still suffering. To make things worse, I have no one to turn to for help and strength. I have one friend and they have a life of there own (and he has had issues with helping me to begin with). I feel so trapped and alone.

We needed to talk. It was so awkward to see him. Words were exchanged that were hard to swallow. He pulled me close to him, "Just stay with me." He held me tight and kissed my head. I was trapped and didn't know what to feel. Tears poured from my eyes. It was a comforting but very forgien embrace. I needed a human touch. Some form of comfort. Now alone in misery.
"Just don't leave me..."