I have thought of some changes I need to do for myself. Some of which will be REALLY easy, and others very difficult (but nothing can be as difficult as trying to cope with losing someone without physically damaging "coping" methoods). All of which are actually necessary changes.
1. I am not going to do any drug anymore unless I need it (perscribed, something for period cramps, but I can't use those anyway). I have no one to do them with and everytime I do get to be messed up I generally end up staring at myself in the mirror and saying I have gone all wrong (and make myself believe that I have been in a coma since the end of grade 9. I have no eyebrows, dark make-up, deadly ill looking body and complextion). I really can't believe who I am and drugs make it worse because I hate the bad that has become of me. I have actually cried over it before. No drugs.
2. Since he had a problem with my eating habits, I have been trying to eat. Really I end up walking around the kitchen wondering if I am actually hungry and what I would be up to eating. I did this last night because I needed something, most likely hydration and I just looked at everything and I couldn't eat. I don't feel hungry. How can you prove to someone you want to get better when you have fucked yourself up to the point where eating is something that just happens in small doses. I reviewed what I did eat and it was rather frightening. Until I remembered animal crackers, I had 4 small snacks or meals. I am starting to see I don't even have any fat where I believed there was some. When he was curled up to me I thought I was positioned where my stomach sank in and he was touching my hip bone because of it. I thought I would have at least gained some weight over the past while, but I look as though I'm losing more. The tummy I once noticed has disapeared, or at least shrunk. How is he going to believe me? Fuck...
3. Build up. I have too many things I want and need to get done and I need to finish priorities. I'm not doing to bad at that. I'm getting work done which does help my mind get off some of the crazy emotions and stress. I also need a better outlet for pain and stress. Walking helps, reading, listening to music/news radio, naps. Being with my cat helps as well because he has always found away to make me smile.
4. Maturity. I noticed that I do handle situations poorly and I'm trying to take responcibility for my actions. If I want to get my life into order I need to grow up and take action insead of seeing things as complicated. I haven't caved into too much lately. I need to finish high school, get my photographers certificate, and other little things I know I want/need, as well as save up my money to buy something I know I want. I want a house because it has more stability to it. I would want someone to live with though. I can wait though. I have a lock on my door so at least I can give myself some privacy.
5. Depleat depression. It's alright to have bad feelings every so often, but not everyday. No one can be happy everyday. I know that there are going to be really bad things ahead (my grandfather's body finally giving up being the biggest pain to come. He is a skeleton and he isn't getting any better. I'm trying to get over it now so it doesn't hurt as much when I actually have to face it), but I don't want to let that destroy me. I have been putting myself into better moods and trying to keep him in my life as my friend so I have someone to talk to or hug me when I need a little extra support. I'm not going to dump all my problems on him anymore. I'll cry when I need to, but I need to learn to be independant again and not to burden anyone.
I thought there was more. Oh well. If I think of anything I need to improve on I might post it else where. Really I just like having things written down so I remember them or check back to see if I did anything with myself. I'll just write another list. Maybe get one that I will see everyday somewhere in my room so I know what to work on. Hmm...this brain was made for something I guess. I like my changes and actually can look at myself and see something less repelling in my mind. My face isn't as bad as I thought it was. It's clearing of the teenage curse dots.
I'm not doing too bad for once. I get to see him on Friday, and he gets to save me from my family. I hope I can keep him entertained for however long I get to see him. NO CRYING! Emotional trash! Jeeze!