Feeling Rotten

I look and feel like I'm rotting away. Legs are purple, blue, red & white, with bruises that have their own colour. Carrying home groceries earlier felt like someone was dragging from behind me. No idea why, or nothing that really makes complete sense. Maybe I need a routine to follow for once. Randomly wandering around the city at all hours of the day and night, sleeping when my brain finally wears itself out...not the best routine to have. My mind cuts out mid-sentence and I start mumbling nonsense when I'm trying to have a serious conversation.

Men must cry a lot as I have caught many crying. It's really odd. While I was heading to the grocery store, I ran into the young annoying guy from downstairs. He had tears welled up in his eyes and he wasn't sure where he was going, but he was trying to avoid me. He asked for a cigarette, I told him no. I asked if he was ok (stupid girl, keep walking! Be heartless!), "yeah, my girlfriend just broke up with me." I got outside. Walked to the steps, paused, when to the window and knocked (something I never figured I would do myself, like the random people who show up at all hours). I gave him a cigarette and continued walking. I'm a sucker for man tears, probably because they are so confusing. Of course it's not that strange to see a skrawny, 18 year old (I think), try-hard "tough" guy cry. I could beat this little shit up if I wanted to. However, this older guy I once knew, made of muscle, scary looking monster if you weren't on his good side. He injured himself and I, of course, was the only one to see him cry.
And women are the fairer sex, how? We cry, of course, but it seems like we are just like men in our own special way, but better at a lot of things. I'd go on, but I just like leaving in there. :)

Ah, what an odd day. Had a lovely discussion with my ex. It was actually pretty upbeat and enjoyable for the both of us. People aren't happy that I'm talking to him again, but I can't just leave him high and dry. I don't view him in a sexual way at all. So I still find him handsome, but there's a mental block keeping me from even wanting to see him naked. I just really missed having him as my friend. We are disgusting, weird, fucked up, childish and the words flow out. Everytime I try to socialize with people I've lost touch with, I think of things to say and shut myself down. They don't care about your random thoughts or adventures or things they have never even heard of. I open my mouth, and then close it and look away as though I'm with a stranger. My ex and I are annoying and disturbed and trained in the ways of each others random nerdiness. 1st edition William S. Burroughs! Yay me! He was the only one who understood. I even enjoyed the envy, like a spoiled child on the verge of smacking me and running away with it. He's like my fraternal twin who got more of the depression while I got more of the crazy. Bwahahaha!!
Yes, I'm pathetic for caving and forgiving and washing away all the hard feelings. Oh well. I will have no one to cry to if or when he hurts me again. It's my own fault. But then he loses me, and I'm frickin' awesome...sometimes.

Halloween!!!! It's raining outside and I want to go dance in it! I'm trying not to get all excited for Halloween if I'm just going to sit around in my crappy homemade costume, drinking and watching horror movies alone...again. Last year was my first time going to party since grade 11 and it was awful. I was followed around like some bratty child, even though I hid alone outside (and may have badgered some drunk guy from the party next door who walked over to pee by the balcony I was on) 95% of the night. This year though, my fake hubby *giggles* (even if it was just some random drunk rambling, it's nice to pretend to be normal and think marriage is something I could do...I'm not expecting anything from him) wants me to do make-up for him. Maybe he will invite me to something that he will be going to. Then I could have plans! I would have made something people will actually see that isn't my quilt worn as a skirt. Or the one of my random print t-shirts. Then I could get some critique, until people are too hammered and hoping that Leeloo's boobs pop out. Otherwise, I'm sure I could amuse myself. It's a pretty spiffy holiday for things I like to do...*more evil laughter*

Good mood, yes...
(If I could keep you alive, by any means, I would. Just too stupid and oddly egocentric to tell you when you needed to know.)