Why is it so difficult to get over someone? It could be because of taunghtings and feelings, memories, and finding someone who can bring out true happiness and watch them walk out the door. He is the only person who has made me feel whole, like I exist and he loved me. He still does, but his heart is leaving me for her. I am changing the bad depressed me and he can't even give me another chance. I have been able to smile, laugh and behave more humane. I am looking to mature as well. I have been cleaning out my room of practically everything. Garbage bags full of belongings I have barely looked at over the past year. I know any life changes I make aren't going to trigger any emotions or feelings and have him back in my arms.
I have too much hope, but what am I supposed to do when I am slowly losing my first love. I know a lot of people don't get to keep their first love, but all the things we said and planned, the feelings and how close we are still makes me think otherwise. I always see two sides to his eyes. Yesterday I saw a man who had some feelings left that he wanted to forget because he fears the pain. I see so much and he discredits it all. How can you spend so much of your life (we are each others longest intimate relationship) with someone and let it all go.
He didn't even see anything wrong with some of our FRIENDSHIP behaviours (we have always been really intimate with each other. Even when he was dating another girl, we were still intimate, and after that ended we started on our way with a very close relationship. Or atleast that is what I got out of it). He saw no problem with us having sleepovers, and yesterday afternoon is a good reason why we shouldn't. If he wants to remain commited and not follow through with intimacy with me, we have to tame our relationship (which I fucking hate! Having him touch me were the best parts of the week, but it won't bring him back). I don't care if he cheats on her because I have no emotional connection to her and I am dying to get him back, but I could at least be a good friend.
I don't really want to bother with anyone else. I have always had relationship problems and being bi-sexual, I wouldn't know what person I would want to get close to again. People have difficulty understanding me in general and I am not a people person. I really liked how he saw something he liked in me and wanted to be with me. I still wish he felt that way.
I really need to cope with my pain so I won't hide in the washroom as much. It seems to be a safety place. When my life gets better, I'm sure my blogs will not consist purely of my emotional pain. Wait a few months and if he is devoted to her, I might go into therapy for loss of a loved one and start talking about my imaginary life.
So I'm thinking I should live in my head again until I learn to hate him (big fight with him in my mind...or I could just kill her off and live in my fantasy world forever) and not longer want him as my own.