Falling Into Insignificant Lies And Living Through Falsities...Everything Is Chaotic And Delectable Distorted Imagery... "They tend to be suspicious, bristly, paranoid-type people with huge egos they push around like some elephantiasis victim with his distended testicles in a wheelbarrow terrified no doubt that some skulking ingrate of a clone student will sneak into his very brain and steal his genius work." ~WSB

donderdag, september 14, 2006

"There's no Breakfast at Tiffany's if you don't eat."

You know you should feel horrible though you feel nothing at all. Was it something you did that you are hiding from or are you so sick of the shit you can't bother anymore? My life will slow down and I will die. I can't really say that I have been home long enough to actually relax. I am also taking great distaste to people. A "friend" of mine can't make up her mind. I feel as though she will only be around me when she has no one else. She has more interest in the male on my leash then in me...but she has interest in most any man, taken or not. She has made advances before towards my ex...of course she caved easier then a sandcastle when he finally offered. Then she acted like she felt bad for what she did to me though she felt bad that she looked bad to someone else. She told my ex she was definitely coming to town for a show which she backed down on when she found out I was in the room (MSN). Saturday and a few days previous it was "I'm coming into town..." "Oh I can't make it because of financial issues." I used her excuse on her and went out with someone else who actually cared to spend time with me. Really, she used me for someone to do her hair for cheap (and she isn't taking care of it either). I played the dumb oblivious girl for far too long. I pretended she had a brain, that she was a good loyal girl who wouldn't move in on a "friends" man (ex or not), I thought there was something good under her fake exterior. The hard part is kicking an emotionally charged, attention freak out of one's life (she is never really alone though she claims she enjoys it, I think it would destroy her.)

I quit my job yesterday. It is bothering me so much because I had a place to go and an almost definate paycheck and soon I will have nothing at all. I need a break really badly, but I was financially unprepared for this (at least I should have 2 paychecks left). I paid my mother back for my cell phone bills and I paid for my tickets to LA (minus a place to stay and fun, food and transportation money). I was thinking of having a short temporary job until my trips and looking for a real one after I get back. There's a better chance I will not be able to get a decent paying job again that has a lot of time and work flexibility. I believe I just dug myself a hole. Question is, how do I get out?

I know it won't last too long, but my ex and I have established a really lovely relationship. It took quite some time to make any progress what so ever (due to some of the shit we put each other through), but things are generally tolerable. Lately I have found the reason why he meant a lot to me. It was hiding under our own issues (so I imagine he was lost as to why he still cared about me) and once those cleared, things were delectable. We have been playful, intimate, and going out together and enjoying each other when in the past, such occations were rare. I went to a club with him out of my own distaste and I let him do his thing and just absorbed the sexual and pleasant energy of everyone else. I can say I enjoyed myself. I lightened up the previous time because I found him after a stressful predicament. I was more happy that he was there and I actually got to spend time with him then anything else. The only thing I hate is how he says he loves me. He has hurt me before so I'm just trying to re-adjust my views of him. See things more in the moment and love every good moment with him, and fade out any fears or past pains I may think of. I feel magnificent around him and I really need that right now (why? I'm jobless and feeling less then I may be worth, I am down a close friend of mine and I'm not quite myself anymore. Need some assurance that I have someone who loves me and who finds me attractive).
A weekend without my ex...I can't deal with a night.

Sexual issues: Girl, boy, voyuerism, threesome, go away, take what you can get because that's all I'm giving you. Really, I want to close up and never let anyone in again unless I know they want me for more.

I know it started as a joke, but I find working at a sex store appealing. The money may be bad, as the hours may be bad as well. However, I think the customers and the actual atmosphere itself could really be interesting. It might not look as appealing on a resume though. I was thinking of applying and working at such a place until I got another job. Maybe keep it as another source of income (another way of saying double income, single mother...I felt like a single mother to my ex when we lived together, and we might live together again soon). I'm sure I would be stressed and would lose any "me" time I might have...I don't know. I'm in a rut and looking for something in hopes it will get me out. At least in a sex shop I have more freedom with my attire (at least I assume that I would. No business casual or uniform).
I think I fear the future. Finding and adjusting to a new job (something unfamiliar). Will I be looking for a new home after coming home from my holidays? Will I get to keep a wonderful relationship with my ex? WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!?! What is happening to my mind? My greatest desire in times like this would be to crawl into bed and live off fantasies until things are bearable.
I miss my girlie...

"But the darkest jokes can have a secret truth. You think you're making a joke, when in fact you're confessing a terrible fear or desire."
"He made an exciting discovery last night. What was it?
Oh yes. His yardman is going to kill him."