Falling Into Insignificant Lies And Living Through Falsities...Everything Is Chaotic And Delectable Distorted Imagery... "They tend to be suspicious, bristly, paranoid-type people with huge egos they push around like some elephantiasis victim with his distended testicles in a wheelbarrow terrified no doubt that some skulking ingrate of a clone student will sneak into his very brain and steal his genius work." ~WSB

donderdag, augustus 19, 2010

Has Caught the Blue Bug

I don't feel very memorable. I could disapear and would be forgotten pretty fast.
Everyone is miserable or I can't find a way to communicate with anyone.
I've been having more migraines which makes work very difficult. Loud girls, bright lights (sorta, at least the one I'm stuck by), and not a whole Hell of a lot I can do about it. Having to be nice when I want to start screaming...
Awful sleep and the awful thoughts that keep me from it when I need to crash.
Feeling kinda lonely...
But whatever, things are entertaining for the most part and not really that horrible. Just a small contagious case of the blues.

zaterdag, augustus 14, 2010

Night Owl

Firstly...I'd like to say I'm sorry about my kitty (to spare a loved one from the embarassment of being associated with me). And for him. I'm an awful parent...Fucking weird job. At least I'm not hoping for things to come my way and will have NORMAL people paychecks for once! Yay! Something normal! Uhg...two days left and I think I get a day off.

Secondly, I still have reason to believe I'm still in a coma (NOTE: I have never actually been in a coma, unless this is one right now. I can believe that). I can't explain the last 24hours of almost any day lately. Random exerpts: Psychic cigarette vendors, blood where blood should NEVER come from (and this has nothing to do with me. Though there was that one time I found blood all over a spatula and realized I cut myself..And that's why they make cutting boards, kids), having to explain to a friend that no one is getting slaughtered where I work (all the screaming!)...creepy stalker guys...It's tame when you only look at interesting things in a very vague way.
I told a girl that she is going to be flat like me yesterday. Nice and loud, rubbing my chest to show my nothingness. Join the club...she wasn't happy about that. Whatever, sucks to be a flat big girl, but awesome to be flat and thin. It works better, or something like that. I do have a mosquito bite on my right one which had my buddy excited to say "Now you have three!!" His body can be found in the lake.

So I hate this one girl. As I described this awful swamp beast earlier, it's like rolling over the next day and knowing your friends are fucking pissed at you to allow you to go home with...THAT. I do like having people to hate though as it makes me feel so much better looking...bad personality, ugliness grows on the outside. Great personality, beautiful. She was decent when I was last out here, but each day I'm stuck looking at her, she rots. It's really gross but kinda neato. So if I don't have time to think about my personal feelings towards myself because I'm furious with someone else, I can give myself a thumbs up in the "getting better" department. Good for the ego, having enemies.

I need someone to have an attraction to. Maybe it should be someone I could NEVER have so that it will last a long time. I miss that rush and that sick feeling, the stupid that-wasn't-even-a-sentence! conversations. I think the girl at 7-11 was flirting with me. Stupid boy should have come in with me to let me know if our banter was flirting. She let me know she was gay, but it was obvious and I'm friends with her friend so if I'm blind, I best be deaf too ("I want to hook you guys up"). Grr...Feeling pretty pathetic: "Oh, I'm going to be single forever, but I'm going to shop the fuck out of people around me."

Well, it is getting pretty late in the morning. Time to retire. Fuck, the cat doesn't even rip my hand open while I'm trying to sleep. Makes me miss my handsome bastard who prays to Robert Smith before cuddling with me like I'm the cat (mommies still love claws under the chin and behind the ears, right?). :'(

woensdag, augustus 11, 2010


When I'm out of town, I don't use the computer as much, which is nice, though I only get it when no one is home or everyone is sleeping at my home which doesn't make it more often.

So things have been normal (aka things that are rediculously difficult to explain to normal people), which includes a brother-sister relationship with my ex (though he would rather consider me his dog because I'm reliable and the like...or just because he's an ass). Of course one of my close buddies is concerned that my weak heart or drunken self will do inappropriate things with my ex. My ex is concerned that I'll get emotionally involved with some guy friend of his that I have no interest in. If I talk to boys, apparently they will hurt me and I'm too weak to make my own decisions. Oh, the gender with the danglie-bits is so entertaining!
If none of them can tame me, then why should they try protecting me from other boys? The other boys need to learn not to play with someone who wants to hurt them. It is rediculous though, that regardless of my deminished attraction towards one silly boy, I can't say no to him (love him to pieces, but don't want to claim him as mine). I treat him like I would anyone else I care about...fuck I don't make sense in my own damn head most of the time, please do ignore me.

I've been bad...As is broken blood vessels on the eyelids (like ink splotches) and running on no sleep. Many great explainations why, but mostly because I want to. I spend so much time alone, sitting on the floor in my room trying to be creative and hoping for money to come my way or staring at a screen watching things I have no interest in. It's nice to escape once and awhile, sometimes with my lovely partner in crime (though the one I can do real bad things with is going to be back in my life real soon! Yay!). Out of town, away from old friends, being naughty with new friends I adore. I did realize that I'm a goodie two shoes when I know my limit (and alcohol only has a limit when it's coming back up, thus the ink blots I've been sporting...still need to figure that one out).

Travel and no playtime makes me a strange, sad little girl. Sitting in a little pub done up in posters and record covers(&records), staring at a young Elvis (looking more like Brando than Elvis), Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Marilyn Monroe, Davie Bowie...Pretty...My buddy looking at me wondering what's ticking in my little head. I've been happier, which brings back my lovely sexdrive. The real sad part to this is that it has only been a week and a couple days without it. It has only felt like forever. Ugh, fucking pathetic. It doesn't help that I'm surrounded by quite a few beautiful women, having a cute androgynous girl a 7-11 to flirt with (as my friend wants to hook us up...yeah, guys are easy, girls are difficult and as much as I'd love to, I'm terrified) and nothing I can do about my frustration. Ok, not nothing, but it's awkward in other peoples homes.

Lovely day wandering around town. From 12 o'clock this afternoon until about 6, I have pretty much been on my feet walking. I have blisters and my legs are sore (my nerves were vibrating when I sat down). It was worth it as most of the time was spent with an old friend of mine. Try for one more visit with each other before I head home...even though he might be moving back! Yay! I'm mean, sad for his relationship, sad for not being able to see him when I head out of town to my frequent haunt, but yay!
Fuck...If work is through here...then I won't see my buddies very often anymore. :'( No more crazy advetures and trekking along on the stupid Greyhound for the sake of the amazing people on either end. Yeah, because I didn't have enough problems trying to sleep, that I had to go out of my way to think and see things that are around the bend. Grr...

Going to attempt sleep (maybe with the assistance of a desireable sleep aid) as tomorrow is the beginning of 6 days straight of work.