Alive, Not Well and Miserable.

So, surprisingly enough, I am still alive. Not that I want to be, but I am. The most horrible things come at the worst of times. I really want him back, but I don't see that happening anytime soon. Girls really like him and this is where I get to lose him. I'm sure he will do any of his disgusting habits around whatever girl he ends up with and she will either be repulsed and not bother with him or she won't care and he found himself a replacement for me. I want to be happy. I want to get out of this Hell hole. When have I even had the luck to have something go right in my life? Wow...a photography course. I'm doing something with my life.
Why do I bother getting out of bed? Right, I want out of here and money comes into importance when I plan on achieving such a thing. I have no attachments here. He's out of my life, I don't really have any other friends, and my family is something I don't even want to see again (I have a lot of mental problems that developed because of my "loving" family. For example: you try being 108 lbs and have your mother and aunt call you fat. Or try being incapable of doing math because you just can't understand it and have everyone in your family treat you like an idiot because of it. I can think of a lot more examples, but I'll end it here). All I really wanted before Hell broke lose, was to live a decant life with the man who stole my heart. Live in a house we made our own. Work on creating music, have projects that we can finally work on (seeing as we would create a space for them-a place for my sowing machine, his tools, my biology experiments, etc.), and create a life more appealing then before. But that will never happen. I will not give my heart away...at least for a long time.
I was actually a lot happier when I was a loner. I locked myself in my room, read books, wrote what was on my mind and listened to music. I started meeting people and losing people, and then a boy started semi-stalking me. He was in his own little lala land. He tried impressing me, and tried to get me to actually talk to him.
He saved me from myself and became the most important thing to me. Of course I had to lose him. I lose everything that means a lot to me. Our relationship was getting better. We could go a day without having something small and stupid to argue a few minutes about. We finally learned how to talk to each other when things were going bad or when a problem needed some talking out. I love having things fix themself and them having everything blow up in my face.
There is so much I would rather be doing right now then sitting at work doing nothing. I am thinking of quiting my job here to getone where I will get paid more to do what I am doing right now. I don't want to stay too long there because that job alone is far from me being true to myself.