Falling Into Insignificant Lies And Living Through Falsities...Everything Is Chaotic And Delectable Distorted Imagery... "They tend to be suspicious, bristly, paranoid-type people with huge egos they push around like some elephantiasis victim with his distended testicles in a wheelbarrow terrified no doubt that some skulking ingrate of a clone student will sneak into his very brain and steal his genius work." ~WSB

vrijdag, oktober 24, 2008

Crawling Under my Skin

Wow, my last post was an odd drunken rant...which is why I should just go to sleep when I'm so intoxicated! I'm actually quite surprised that I was coherent. 3/4's of a bottle of Jack and 3 beers (the cabbie was right for asking if we had open liquor in the cab...I passed it off as that we just reek like a brewery and tucked my open beer into my bag). It was a good night with people I care about. My buddy and I ended up at a casino, plastered at 1:30 in the morning, won 95 cents and left while we were ahead. While waiting for a taxi, I recieved a most offensive remark which I still cannot comprehend now. Since it was cold out, I decided to put on some pants, to which a woman looked at me, made it known that she was offended and sped away on foot leaving her man alone. My buddy piped up in my defence and they had a short lived arguement as he chased after his woman...I just kept saying "what the fuck?!"
We walked around with our "metal" voices which explains why my throat hurt so much the next day. Luckily I was just exhausted and not violently ill (which I should have been considering how much I drank...I forgot to mention that 1/2 the bottle of Jack was from earlier and the last quater was at the casino. Not like we really needed it, we just wanted to continue drinking).

Right now I'm contemplating what I want to do. There are places and people welcoming me, however, I'm trapped. Drinking alone for now, hoping that I will make up my mind or drink myself to sleep.
As bad as that sounds, I just can't sleep at night, I have no drive to do anything and I lay awake trying to force myself to sleep at the wee hours of the morning. My body is restless, my mind is restless and I'm lonely and bored (so depression is kicking in). I'm not really bothered by depression as much anymore as I have to take the bad to balance out the good. My problem is more that I don't want to do anything without my new bestfriend as I hate leaving her out and everything is so much better with her. I can still go out without her and have a great time, I just enjoy her company and feel safer when she is there. Which is silly of me though as other friends of mine will look after me as if I was their little sister. I really love the feeling that people care enough about me to look out for me. I'm just as loyal to them (I love my friends too much to see something bad happen to them...even if my own neurosis makes me hate them and constantly assume they are backstabbing me, I will still look after them. It's not their fault that I'm fucked up so I pretend I'm not for everyone's sake).

Oh, right now I'm having shitloads of issues that aren't really all that big or important. Men have gone back on my bad list. I do care a lot about the men in my life, I'm just feeling self-conscious and really hating being in my own skin.
Fuck...Nothing is really important right now. I'm going to get the fuck out of here and live in my lovely limbo world where I feel more comfortable (numb...). Maybe I need to finally cry? I can't seem to cry anymore so things most likely build-up to the point where I feel sick (inside and out).
Just breathe...

woensdag, oktober 22, 2008

"You take me to, lead me through, oblivion!"

"I feel you - your precious soul, And I am whole."
Uh! I hate it still, I ignore every bit of it, but I LOVE HER!! Maybe I just adore anyone who gives me the right kind of attention...I've been screwed over by everyone I know so really, I'm not surprised, but honestly, I've tucked any feelings away to actually keep this friend, but it still kinda sorta hits me in the face (as in, "duh, stop being stoooopid, but there are two people on your wish list and DUH YOU AREN'T GETTING THEM....")...
Actually nevermind...
I still have REALLY old and dirt covered feelings for someone else...who screws me over every time I see them again for the first time in awhile...
("And the spirit of love is rising within me, talking to you now, the fire still burns.")
Thus is why I have a few bite marks here and there...we were competing in the game of who can tease who...neither of us won, but it still makes me wonder...
I really don't know what to do with myself. I think I love everyone basically. I hate as much as I hate myself...
The Bottom Line
"Like a cat dragged in from the rain
I go straight back out and do it all over again
I'll be back for more
Something that is out of our hands
Something we will never understand
It's a hidden law
The apple falls
Destiny calls
I follow you
Like a pawn on the eternal board
Who's never quite sure what he's moved towards
I walk blindly on
And heaven is in front of me
Your heaven beckons me enticingly
When I arrive it's gone
The river flows
The wise man knows
I follow you
I'm yearning I'm burning
I feel love's wheels turning
Like a moth on love's bright light
I will get burned each and every night
I'm dying to
The sun will shine
The bottom line
I follow you
I'm yearning I'm burning
I feel love's wheels turning
Like a moth on love's bright light
I will get burned each and every night
I'm dying to
The sun will shine
The bottom line
I follow you
The sun will shine
The bottom lineI follow you."~DM
So I just torture myself due to how passionately I feel towards people as I have learned that you have to choose between friendship and hormones...At least I can say I'm strong there!

Life is just plain fucked up, so what. It happens so there is no point in getting too involved so I'm happy for booze...(and I think I've met ALL the wrong mentors there but for the most part it works...I don't want kids and I'm too nuts to love more than the scary beast that I am).

Instead of growing the fuck up I've decided on random posts that lack any appeal and will make the reader wish they didn't waste those precious minutes of their lives...
(and I think I'm tied in a lovely little noose to my year long attraction which is a huge mistake on my part...sounds about right but I'm generally more possitive about this shit than I ever have been!)
Sleep now...drink later...

zaterdag, oktober 04, 2008

Black Listed...

Big Meat Eater is on again...I haven't been sleeping...seemed like a good time for a new post.

As how the world around me works, I have again taken on the role as a social outcast amongst the people I call "friends." That isn't a huge surprise to me, however, I find it pathetic that I have to be given the cold shoulder because I'm considered a threat (it's a long fucked up story).
(Oh, the man crawled out of the berlap sack in the meat locker and is singing and probably contaminating all the meat)
Luckily the pretty girl is on my side as she is the only one who knows my side of the story. We are going to defend each other. (Now it's the Devo-esque scene in this screwie movie...nevermind, I'm checking the credits as that was totally 2 guys from Devo.) What a strange concept...people who will stand up for me when I'm being wrongfully portrayed. I feel so foolish tho for avoiding getting involved with the harsh words which were being said about the ring leader of this awful mess (I had no reason to say anything bad about her so it only makes sense. I guess I thought she was mature...rather than just an overbearing bitch living in some rediculous fantasy world where she apparently is a respected motherly figure rather than hated by most people around her). She fears I will steal her man, tho I am already his mistress and do not wish to have him killed by telling her anything. The fact that I am the other woman makes me a horrible person, I know, you don't need to tell me that.
How random that rant was...

I can't shutdown long enough to catch up on my sleep. I've had around 9 hours of sleep in the past 4 days...It's not like I've even done anything productive with my time. I'm bored out of my skull and I desire a companion I can live with when the pretty girl is away. Though I did sleep most of friday and saturday of last week as well.
At least being a home body keeps me out of trouble...for the most part. I did enjoy a night out on the town ill and drugged up (to keep my body from ailing me) last saturday night. Someone I had a previous attraction to (which I full out admitted to them) was there and they seemed to take an interest in me. They participated in cornering me along with one drunk and one sober male which grew uncomfortable when the room got more crowded.

I'm feeling like I should get a start on my day. I have also been rather distracted while writing this which explains why everything is so random and unimportant.
Time to go looking for some b-movies for tonight...