Falling Into Insignificant Lies And Living Through Falsities...Everything Is Chaotic And Delectable Distorted Imagery... "They tend to be suspicious, bristly, paranoid-type people with huge egos they push around like some elephantiasis victim with his distended testicles in a wheelbarrow terrified no doubt that some skulking ingrate of a clone student will sneak into his very brain and steal his genius work." ~WSB

woensdag, augustus 16, 2006

Long nights...

So I have finally reach a state of continuous numb. Everything bothering me is eraced and I feel no strong emotions. Well let us review somethings.
Last weekend I went to watch some friends play at a bar. I was in better spirits because I was happy to be around people I call my friends. One of the band members, who had broken up with his jealous girlfriend, actually hugged me and talked to me for a change (on the odd occation previously he would talk to me, only if his woman was out of the picture. People generally end up talking to me because I make the effort to converse back and give eye contact which is somehow hard to do it seems). I thought it was rather odd, but she never seemed to really like me anyway so I guess he can't get into trouble now for just attempting to be friendly. At some point he stole my sweater and so we played an interest to insult game...I think I called him emo at some point.
The female I went to the show with left early with me (drunk me...) and I went home for a change (my ex was rather negitive that night and said he didn't want me over). Eventually, I fought with my ex over the phone and everything was my fault until he told me of what he had done with the female I went to the bar with. Apparently, they decided to have sex one night while I was upset with him. Seeing as I thought I was the bad guy and I wanted to change myself for him...yeah, where's the equality? Whenever he does something wrong I always have to feel horrible for it and somehow I deserve the blame. I think I'm next to retarded for not leaving him by now. He rode his bike to my house at 3 in the morning. I ranted about my feelings and how he keeps doing this to me and how he needs to put some effort into a relationship with me if he actually wants one (I totally agree with a comment he said years ago "I think you are the only girl who can put up with me." No one else could deal with this shit and no one else would actually keep him after he did to them what he has done to me). He felt a lot worse then I did. I was hurt that he would do that...again, but I can't feel much anymore. Stab, some pain, ok now to sleep.
The rest of the weekend he acted out in guilt. He put his arm around me on the bus (I'm not used to that so I made a confused face at him), he would hold my hand and not complain, he kissed and touched me more. At least I know he want's me, for the time being anyway. I have no trust in him anymore and I shouldn't have even had any after the blonde retard was in the picture, but I said to him that I don't want to show I can't trust him by continuously asking if he has done anything and I would hope he could tell me as soon as something happened. Almost two weeks late, but he finally told me.
See, he only goes out on weekends with other girls, chats with other girls more often then any guys (his band...that and probably 2 other guys make up the people he probably doesn't care as much to talk to), and I HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE UPSET WITH HIM. I can't hang around with other men without him getting his panties in a knot, I can't talk to men on the phone every odd week without him fussing (oh I'm sorry I take the odd call while you have some female asking for attention more often then I do...). He is lucky I have been far from myself lately or I finally would have gotten rid of him. I tried before and he wouldn't let me. Make some fucking sacrifice once and awhile for the one you love (I haven't really seen anything he has given up for me and since I have caved into sex, the old boy is returning). Yes, I understand the want to talk to others, but I don't get anything but sexual advances from him...oh and a dull hour on the couch watching tv (*see better tone further down*).
I don't know what love is, I don't know who actually cares about me and I don't think I can go through with any relationship with anyone now (friendship or more). People always treat me like shit. If I'm such a great person because of what I'm willing to do for people, then why can't anyone just love me and be happy with that? I hope I lose my mind because I would probably feel much better in a stupor alone in my room, then knowing people who don't care about anything but themselves or about a quick romp in the sack! The only people who haven't shown sexual interest in me is the guy in the band I saw who decided to hug me and my female friend (and other females...but they all seem to care less about me except her).

Hmm...was there anything else to catch up on? 30 year old male still want's to sex me (I enjoy his company as well. Smart pervert which is cool!). Oh ok, so I invited him to a show of some sort, and we ended up downstairs at the bar. We talked and he kept asking for hugs and I complied (hugs are harmless and nice...it's just weird being asked to hug someone so often). I kissed him on the cheek because my friend was doing so as well. He wrote me saying he wanted an actual kiss out of me (and that I owed him 163 hugs...never got around to telling me the math behind it tho).
Well we ended up going out the next night which was lovely (while my ex had already had his kicks with our mutual friend the previous night). We drank and talked and watched sex on the bar tv (now that is awesome! Quiet, fairly empty bar, drunk and watching sex on tv). Of course he got his real kisses out of me. Wow, I forgot my ex the way he forgot about me. I know there was quite a difference in age, but he's a guy so I get along with him. He has a naughty mind much like my own and he doesn't care about what others think (I don't care about what others think...I just hate being noticable. Once that is a problem, duck and cover). He made me feel better and at the time I needed that (Hell, I still do. Maybe toss in some "forget the ex boytoy" sex into the mix and my life might FINALLY get better). He walked me to my bus stop holding my hand (his excuse was to hold me up. And it's nice when someone actually enjoys and wants to hold my seemingly "parasitic" hand). I made my way to my ex's all happy and feeling good about myself (a guy whistled at me as I walked passed him on the street. My headphones were enough of an excuse to ignore him).
I believe it was that week where everyone was either really getting on my nerves or out of town. I wanted to get away from these people and went to my 30 year old to crash at his place. The day was shuffled around and everyone who upset me compensated for it that weekend. I had a lovely time. I was woken up early to go out for lunch (I was hugged and kissed too because a friend felt bad for making me cry earlier). He dropped me off and I went to my grandparents house (something I dreaded not because I hate them, but because I love them so much I don't want to see them slowly decaying infront of me. I know they are old, that still doesn't take away the pain).
The next day I was hoping to have a nice day with my ex (because I crashed at his house the night before) and leave to get ready for what I had planned that night. After being bitched at because I am not strong (helping him move his large reptile tank to be cleaned), I decided to get ready to go. He was upset with me because I did have things to tend to later and apparently I used him for sex (yeah...because sex is the only thing I want out of him apparently. He always tries to make himself feel better through getting mad at me). He didn't make up his mind early enough so I didn't go swimming with him. Instead I went with a male friend to his place. I thought I was there to help him with his website, but after kissing me and touching me...well, I got the picture. I went limp so he could deal with me how he pleased. It was rather funny flopping about because he couldn't hold up my dead weight. Eventually he carried me to his room and plopped me onto his bed. We kissed...he attempted to tease me but I totally won because I really wasn't interested (trying to be a good girl for someone who really doesn't care). He played the guitar for me and we talked and ate animal crackers in his bed. Apparently we is kissin' cousins! Yeehaw! We are both Russian and our relitives in Canada are from Manitoba. Haha, that was funny. Even though I was most likely brought there for sexual purposes, it was still fun to spend time with him. We went to pick up his girlfriend (she probably knew that's why I was there...interesting relationship...not going to get into that now) and they dropped me off downtown.
I went looking for dinner and gave up and walked to the working portion of the train tracks (closed downtown for construction). Went to Mr. 30's place. We picked up some alcohol and watched movies. Very nice evening. Crashed before 12. See that got me into trouble. I was out with a guy and I didn't answer my phone. My ex did that to me for whole weekends and I did it once and I'm the most horrible person alive. After talking to my ex the next morning, I rushed to the train station and went on my long journey home. I got ready to go see my ex only to find he had other plans and so I decided to attempt to nap.
A guy from work phoned and we talked for awhile. Eventually I left and picked up some food for my ex and I. Took the bus as far as it could go and started walking to where he was. Had to back track with him and another guy to get stop smoking patches. The rest of the night was spent bumming around (the guy who hugged me...) a friends house (is he my friend? I never know who is these days...) watching tv and talking. Haha, zombies! And someone finally agrees with me on the horror movie thing (things that pop out are the worst part to horror movies because the image is imprinted on the memory and is an image seen before sleeping).

*Ok, so I made my ex the bad guy again...I never know what to classify him as anymore (even our relationship is something I cannot identify). I started writing this yesterday and got myself into a negitive funk. I do believe I am equal to him and it is unfair of me to represent him as the only monster.
I love every inch of the good times we have together. Last night was a huge example of it too. We got along and we were so playful together. It ended nicely with us curled up on a tiny love seat together (I was freezing cold so we were bundled up under a tiny blanket). I know there will be quite some time before I can instill a pinch of trust in him again, but I don't want to let things get in the way. We both need to change and work on ourselves so we can finally have a decent relationship. Things were bad, he told me the truth (that's mainly what I wanted if sexual things were to happen), now to move on and grow. Yes, there is a good chance he will be back to his old self (negitive, high out of his mind, and hardly ever intimate unless he's been bad, horny or high), though I'm hoping for some change in him. If I am willing to change unbearable qualities in myself, an effort out of him would be more then lovely as well. I just really hope I'm not getting my hopes up to have him hurt me again. That is really unfair (abuse really. Hurt someone and make them clay in your hands, a little slave that won't let go).
*continued later...