Falling Into Insignificant Lies And Living Through Falsities...Everything Is Chaotic And Delectable Distorted Imagery... "They tend to be suspicious, bristly, paranoid-type people with huge egos they push around like some elephantiasis victim with his distended testicles in a wheelbarrow terrified no doubt that some skulking ingrate of a clone student will sneak into his very brain and steal his genius work." ~WSB

maandag, juli 31, 2006

"If you try walking in my shoes, you'll stumble in my footsteps."

My stomach is soooo upset right now. I'm an emotional wreck and my most important relationship is bringing me a lot of sorrow...again. I want him to pin me down so I know he really does NEED me. He hurt me lastnight and I don't think he will understand why. No matter how many times I attempt to explain myself...what's the point anymore? It's as though I'm his radio, but he turned me off because he's sick of listening to the same old news or love/hate songs. I crave to just keep him as my own, hold him and never let him go, but it's so hard to do right now. I want to get better so bad but I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't know what to do. Why is it so hard for him to see that he has someone who would do ANYTHING for him, no matter how painful it is? I stayed by his side when he was dating someone else and crushing my heart daily. I kept him in my life after I decided I wanted to get over him. I really don't know what I can do, I'm sick of hurting over him...and I fear tonight, a lot. Thus the stomach ache. I wonder what I will be this time. I wonder what he will do, how he will react. I sort of want to see some expression that shows he can't bare to lose me, but I doubt this will do anything at all. It probably won't hurt him because I probably already lost him. Ouch...well that's a reality I can't bare to face again.
So anyone care to stop me from going out on a walk, and finally jumping off that bridge that always tempts me when I'm at my breaking point? It's not like I will go through with it, I'm just so frustrated and I want to just avoid everything (so thoughts of suicide are all I have to make me contempt).
I hate complications, and having feelings. I desire to be numb. To pretend life is a really dull novel or movie that starts up and ends when I want it to (instead of this stressful and painful mess that it is). I really wish I could drown myself of reality because I'm sick of how painful it is. I want to be so weak that I cave into suicide, but I love some people and do not wish to hurt them. Just going to appease them until I have fucked EVERYTHING up and when I'm finally alone, when I have not a person alive to love me back, then I have no one to hurt.
I probably sound like every other angsty teenager. I don't care actually. If a genuine plee for someone to save me is angsty...then thus is what I am. I can't save myself. I tried and I'm still trying. I'm not mentally strong. My mind is deteriorating and I can't tell what is wrong with me. I have assumed Schitzophrenia, but being a hypochondriac makes it hard for me to make a diagnosis that could actually be possible.
Right now I really need help and I have no where I can turn. Wow, funny how things work out that way for me. I'm always here in this city and I can be there when someone really needs me, but I never can turn to anyone (they can't help me or won't listen or I'm not close enough to them, or they don't understand me or are far away...).
I'm going to get ready for a long, long night.

woensdag, juli 26, 2006

The Pain Running Through My Veins.

I'm sick again...or still. My stomach was quite upset lastnight (oh you should of heard it. My little thunderstorm that lasted for hours). Now this morning my nose is dripping. I'm never going to win in the sick and healthy game. I thought I would feel better by now seeing as I had to deal with a couple weeks of throwing up my stomach everyday. Mmm...Ginger ale...

Psychiatrist tonight...Let's hope my breasts aren't old man magnets. I mean, he should be professional and it's generally pretty obvious when someone is staring at your chest. He can't see what's on my necklaces very well, plus he always makes sure to add in the quick body look over. Real smooth old chap...Now tell me that I know you but don't remember where from and tell my "boyfriend" that he will have to share...oh wait, I'm crazy AND single...who the Hell is going to believe me?
Oh and on the boyfriend note...I used to have a great excuse from not having guys pick me up, get me drunk and seduce me. It doesn't work anymore...IT DOESN'T FREAKING WORK!! "So I'm taken, and NOT looking and FAR from interested in you." "Well none-the-less girlie, that really shouldn't matter anymore. I'll use my "suave" pick up lines until I'm irresistable." *Strange creepy males eyebrows bob up and down* So a girl is no longer safe. I love being alone, but right now I fear it. I need to desicrate my face or dress up like a hutterite or something in hopes I can walk about and NOT even be stopped. Here's my list since Friday night: The 30 year old who has a crush on me (he hasn't been all that bad...he didn't even talk to me much on Friday...it's just the matter of attraction with a 12 year difference), the EX-PRISONER who was drunk out of his freaking skull and who wouldn't leave me alone (felt the need to help me, which made things worse, especially since I went outside to be alone. I EVEN SAID FUCK OFF!), the guy who asked for a lighter (afterwards saying: "Are you going home tonight? Not going out to party? You should come party with me. I'm not a stranger. I don't think your boyfriend should care. You've met me before you just have to think about it." You can almost guess what I was saying...) and lastly, the oriental boy who HAD to force his way in my fucking face, then my friends face (apparently he's not a stranger either. He wouldn't shut up EVEN while I was on the phone, which is what I was on when he came to bug me. The he said that my boyfriend shouldn't be so jealous, and he invited me out for a movie and a drink. Through his accent I heard something about fiance and being my boyfriend as well. Yeah, I'm a sleaze who LOVES to be unfaithful to give people who I would scare the shit out of a chance). So this past month I have been bothered...by WAY more men then I ever wanted. One guy asked me out for drinks at 11 at night...TUESDAY NIGHT. I was bitchy and wanted to get to my "boyfriends" house. Really, I have no interest in gaining anymore friends, or fucking anyone else. I like my small group of artists.
(Wow, a little realization here...I wasn't dressed provacative in anyway each time. My layers cannot detour the male from me...Oh god, how can I be saved! Will I ever be able to roam alone again?)

Tipping the Velvet...Heehee, lovely. Showcase played that during pride week sometime ago. I found it, bought it, and watched it (begining to end this time). Quite a good...show? heehee, the main character has nice breasts (I know, I sound just like a guy. I oogle naked people in any movie I watch. Ewan McGreggor has a nice PENIS...now do I sound like a typical male? Yeah, thought so!)! Ok currently at work...currently typing about breasts and genitalia...moving on now...

My week: Monday-Dentist & boy boy, Tuesday-Run around town. Night with Girlie, Wednesday-Psychiatrist and maybe night with boy boy (movie or hauling my ass out of bed to go to his house), Thursday-Friends in band have a show, Friday-Girlie #2's B-day party, Saturday-Freeday! No obligations sooo far, Sunday-Battle of the Bands. Super. So I have a nice long busy week so no time to clean my room or NAP!

Stressed out of my head right now. Had a really bad panic attack on the weekend (hyperventilated, rolled around insanely...shook like crazy. Yeah only one way to stop them really. Several ways to slow and calm one down though...). THought I was going to crash my friends car because of my thoughts and since I was weak I assumed the Speaker she had to cart around on the back seat was going to topple over on her as she abruptly stopped. No one understands my anxiety attacks; "Relax, don't get so stressed." Well it's not as easy as that. I'm also seeing someone to make things...better?
Going back to work before I get into trouble...

donderdag, juli 20, 2006

Meanless Child.

So I have to go for my FOURTH pap smear this year...FUN! And a test proved possitive for something a "friend" passed onto myself and my ex. So I have to go in for another series of tests, that stupid fourth pap in three months time, and I have to tell the people I got it from that they need to fix their innards before any future plans of children are non-existant.
Another linking story; I took the medication on Tuesday and it didn't mix well with my illness. Oh right, I forgot to mention I have a flu-type illness and haven't been able to keep anything down (and that has been going on for quite sometime, but it has progressively gotten worse over the past week). So while out with a friend, I spent a good hour throwing up my insides and pissing out my ass in her bathroom (which was cleaned merely minutes previous to when I used it). I had to get another dose today (and I had to take Gravol for the first time in years. Disgusting stuff), which wasn't too smart because I took it before heading home on transit. I got home and forced myself to sleep in hopes to keep it down. I have been nauseas all day, however, I managed to keep it down. So thrilling year I have been having! Trying to make things better while they only get worse.

I told my ex I didn't want to be around him anymore through email not too long ago. So after he reads it, this should be a rather interesting night...unless he really doesn't care, in which case shows how much I did really mean to him (if I had to crawl and suffer for love, why can't he?) I'm not doing this to have his nuts under my heels (pussy-whipped), I'm doing this because I really don't think he cares about me and I am sick of games and uncertainty. Hell, I'm barely allowed to talk to other men though he told me he would fuck any girl who would let him (but he has a good week of no sex...to add to this week). How is that fair? The world ends when I lie to him, but it's almost a joke if he lies to me (and how do I know I'm the only girl for him knowing all that?). If you love someone, they should be able to just know it and not have to continuously question it. I can understand when people have issues showing it, but it's not hard to make a simple effort. He gave me his ex-girlfriends ring (that she lost)...I mean it's a nice gesture because he don't have enough money to spend on Tea, and it's a first since a week before my birthday. I really don't expect gifts, but since I buy him so much just because (I even bought him Acryllic paints and paint brushes, other art supplies...you know"inexpensive" items...).

Wow...he seems rather apathetic. Quick questions and that was that. I knew I was just some familiar face. Hooraw. Now onto my new life. It took this long to find out...how sad. Well I hope he feels good about himself.

After going to a bookstore 3 times, I had to go back to get my bag. I got my sister to retrieve it and waited in the entrance where I talked to a guy about the tattoo's we had in likeness. It was interesting. Apparently I have good taste in tattoos (though he only saw one). Yeah, silly short story, but it was nice to meet another Satanic person who wore the symbol out of some form of belief and not because it's scary or like their favorite metal band.

I'm going to go get some work done. Things are piling up all around me so might as well pay some attention to them (oh and I'll fill in some information about my psychiatrist next week after I see him next).

maandag, juli 17, 2006

"I feel so naked, I'm sick of the dealers grey hair."

I hate summer, I hate summer, I hate summer, I hate summer, I hate summer, I hate summer! (so that should go to that meow mix jingle with no words...just meowing...). It's too hot, the blinding and scortching sun is out. Insufferable, vile days slowly creeping by.

I have some fears about tomorrow. I don't wish to confide in some stranger who will only give me pills. I refuse to go to a female doctor because they seem to be too mushy. I want a dickhead who knows what he's talking about and who is willing to help because either way (being little miss nice or plain old Mr. Doctor), he will still get paid, but best to get one's money's worth. I was completely forced into it, though I know damn well I need it, doesn't mean I'll like it either. I'm doing this for my ex because he wanted me to seek help to "save" me which would result in us supposedly saving our relationship...yeah this was back at the end of December. We still don't have the relationship I wanted, but tough shit I guess. He seems rather worried about losing me to my dear attraction. I find that funny. There was NOTHING I could do to keep him, but when he seems threatend by an attraction of mine, he tries to sell himself to me as though he's done nothing wrong. I do love the boy to pieces...I think. I mean, I love him, he's just pissing me off a lot lately. I do like that he makes some little efforts here and there to show me I can be important (and then the rest of the time be an average emotionless boy. Or maybe he's just nice to me when he wants sex...that makes more sense anyway).
So anyway...hopefully the psychiatrist isn't a complete nightmare. I fear telling him EVERYTHING because of how he may react...I don't know why I'm going anymore (outside of my ex's old request). I really don't want to and what is ONE appointment 7 months from when I originally needed help. This is frustrating. What happens if I have to wait another 7 months to talk to him again? Well I could go through a whole drug cycle (getting pills, taking them, adjusting to side effects, forget to take them, feel the withdrawl, start taking them again, side effects start up...etc.) and take note of everything that happend while on them before seeing him in another 7 months. I'm really hoping for something good to come out of all this...

donderdag, juli 06, 2006

Some Fine Grey-Scale Bionical Spin Brush You Got.

So I'm stressed out of my fucking head and fairly mentally derranged at the moment. This calls for the "The Things I Love" list!! Yay! It's in no order...
1. The Rain & dark, cool, cloudy days
2. Music
3. Feeling the shape to his penis through his pants/shorts/nikkers (purr...)
4. Him and everything about him
5. Her
6. Books, movies, and all my hobbies (too many to get into detail)
7. Lugosi & Camille
8. Piano, keyboard
9. Sex...with him (I would try her...fear destroying our friendship)
10. The cloudless, light pollution-less night sky
11. Making me lovelies happy
12. Special little moments with someone I love
13. Intimacy
14. Halloween, dressing up, certain hats
15. Puddle jumping, kisses in the rain
16. Dancing in my PANTIES (and my perverted liking towards panties makes it grand)
17. Antiques
18. BDS&M
19. Moths, fat bees, dragonfies, dead flowers (alive too)
20. Walking at night
21. The feeling of water showering down on me after returning to myself after mush
22. My tattoos
23. My fake family
24. Coast to Coast AM and old radio shows
25. Swimming (minus the people and the sun...but that is near impossible)
26. Art-viewing, creating, admiring (his and hers)
27. Patterns: PLAID!, stripes, checkerboard (as fishnet as well)
28. His laugh
29. Orgasms...

How many times do I have to say
To get away-get gone
Flip your shit past another lass's
Humble dwelling
You got your game, made your shot, and you got away
With a lot, but I'm not turned-on
So put away that meat you're selling
Cuz I do know what's good for me
And I've done what I could for you
But you're not benefiting, and yet I'm sitting
Singing again, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
M'I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It's time the truth was out that he don't give a
Shit about meHow many times can it escalate
Till it elevates to a place I can't breathe?
And I must decide, if you must deride
That I'm much obliged to up and go
I'll idealize, then realize that it's no
Sacrifice, because the price is paid, and
There's nothing left to grieve
Fuckin' go
-Cuz I've done what I could for you, and I do know what's
Good for me and I'm not benefiting, instead
I'm sitting singing again, singing again, singing again,
Sing, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
M'I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It's time the truth was out that he don't give a
Shit about me
-Fiona Apple