Soap Opera Life

If I had it in me to just take what I have at the end of the week and run, I probably would...that would also require me not to have any emotion what-so-ever. If I could forget who needs me, who loves me, who I love and need...
Right now, I feel like I'm a failure as I took off to make money and I'm going to be showing up with nothing but a break from a freezing Hell under my belt.
Everything around me is like my few female friends out heres Soap Opera. It's sometimes horribly acted out, the lies are transparent from the viewers standpoint and the drama never ceases. It could be fun to just step back and watch, but being so close to repulsion from one of the "characters" has made it more real. Please, just entertain me. I have realized from EVERYONE around me that the critters in my head are the very least of my worries, but interacting is getting to me. I only want to perk people up, not suffer through their miseries. I don't mind sharing a disturbing pornographic image at the expense of some soul less creature. It makes those who see it, and have been affected by said creature, smile. Making light of the dark. But having someone who is very close to me on a spiritual level crash...It was really hard playing strong infront of the soul less (I was about to cry with her, but that would have made things worse) because empathy for my spiritual counter-part almost won (it's ok to cry and feel, but when someone is using everyone and wants to destroy you, you cannot show weakness unless on safe ground: "Don't let them see you cry.").

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm upset by the people around me who I care about, who are suffering, and by my own emotions bringing me down over my own loved ones back home that I miss. This is a short trip for my sorta family back home, and so I can make it home to say good-bye to an old before they leave.

My cards told me it was ok for me to love you. It was ok to give myself to you. That the world is difficult, but strength to carry on, would float us to some stability. Why should I mumble nonsense to you; I miss you, dear (I love you terribly so, but will never admit it).

My ex wants me to move with him. I told him that I cannot give up my loved ones for him. Some things are more important than what used to be. If this ship sinks, I'm going with it. Why should I get out scott-free because someone who was both my savior and personal Hell is giving me a temporary get out of jail free card? If everyone I love is suffering, I'm going with them.