Falling Into Insignificant Lies And Living Through Falsities...Everything Is Chaotic And Delectable Distorted Imagery... "They tend to be suspicious, bristly, paranoid-type people with huge egos they push around like some elephantiasis victim with his distended testicles in a wheelbarrow terrified no doubt that some skulking ingrate of a clone student will sneak into his very brain and steal his genius work." ~WSB

donderdag, augustus 28, 2008

Francis Farmer Incarnate...?

After much time off, I finally have a job. That doesn't make me little miss responcibility tho as I still drink and stay up...sorta late (I do still make it to work after much fussing and fighting with myself to get up!).
Sunday was rather odd and showed that I might been harboring some really intense stress...other than the fact that I have been using several bad methoods to put myself to sleep for the past week and a half. The day was fine as I was heading to a morbid photoshoot which ended with the vehicle I was in to turn around and miss out on one Hell of a day.
That night I went to the casino with two of my buddies. All was fine, booze train was fueling up (kisses for a pretty boy). We took our winnings and went to the community pub. I had 2 shots and a beer (I doubt I drank much of the beer) and my world felt like shit. Seeing as I took an ativan, had some tea and took drinks back at the casino like they were going out of style. I awoke in the washroom (a typical place for me to sleep) by an odd sounding woman...because she sounded like a guy I'm not fond of from work and kept calling me hunny. This questionable woman decided to bug the fuck out of me. I'm sure "she" was trying to help me as I asked to escape out the backdoor which turned out to be a pitch black cement room.
In health class I learned about rooms where prostitutes were locked up, drugged up and whored out for days at a time and that, unfortunately, was my first thought. Then I imagined that that was going to be my fate as I was incapable of saving myself. The "lady" returned and asked me some questions, I demanded to see one of my buddies (who is built almost like a bodyguard). The door closed and I went into an uncontrolable hysterical crying fit, speaking in enibriated jibberish.
I think the pretty boy ended up taking me out of the pub towards the vehicle we arrived in. Instead of getting in the vehicle and further avoiding this twisted little scene, the ground outside of the vehicle was considered more suitable in my mind as I curled up to try to sleep. Apparently I was talking about how I was going to die and basically looked like something horrible happened to me. Yeah, so explaining that I was just having a substance induced panic attack was impossible and far from on my mind which set off my bodyguard buddy as he went stormed back into the pub to figure out who did what to me in the "rape room." He returned and I refused to get into his vehicle so my buddies walked my drunk, crazy ass home.
So without a cellphone as an alarm, feeling surprisingly fine, I managed to wake myself up, shower and make it to work on time. I just looked like a psychotic clown when I looked in the mirror when I woke up...yikes...
Yesterday I had a dentist appointment. I was exhausted from work and rushed out the door to make it there on time. After the hygenist was done freezing my mouth (fillings are "fun") and I was just lying there by myself, I was on the verge of tears. The wear and tear of my life (as there is MUCH I haven't said) left me feeling weak and helpless. If I had a mental breakdown right there, I think I would have just came home and crashed. Instead I visited some friends, had a little to drink and picked up their stresses.

Fuck...now I have to explain (again) somehow that I'm not that into my recent ex. He wants me to move in with him and asked about us when I SWORE there was no us. He dropped an L-bomb on me after only knowing him for a month and a half (that's not including the time he ignored me for a month because he sincerely believed I slept with his roommate and didn't confront me about it. Yeah, real mature). After identifying him as my ex and as my friend and making things clear when I broke our fling off some odd time ago, I would hope he got the picture. Also, not returning his affections and mentioning how I fancy our female friend. Apparently I "came around" without knowing it. I don't get it.

I don't know what's going on anymore...the chaos storm is up an going again. Since I can't stand this surreal reality, I'm hoping that some of the strange good stuff comes to fruition. I was told that a photographer would like to have a personal photoshoot with me and my pretty girl as we didn't quite make it to the sunday affair. This would be fun and if I'm REALLY lucky, it would be a great opportunity to maybe get out there (if the photographer isn't just a perverted hack...otherwise it will just be amusing. I should be more bothered...oh well).

Uhg...breathe, sleep and dream of the unobtainable...

woensdag, augustus 13, 2008

"Bros before ho's"

What an interesting way to discribe someone...I doubt I deserved that...

He's in love with me. Not the way I love him as he is head over heels over me (an L-bomb he dropped on me the first time I saw him in months). Say what you like but I'm not there. I don't care who you are, you cannot tell me what I want or who I love. Someone I know decided that they could be considered a mentor in my life and tried to convince me to settle for my recent ex. You cannot make someone love another person if their heart isn't there.
I love him as my friend. I will be there for him when he needs me, but I will not be his woman.
Another problem arises...I need to move somewhere else. He want's to live with me. He think's we will share the same room (unless I don't want to) and I assume he will be happy...
Problem is, I won't be. I will loathe him for his effection and the habits which bother me. I will feel a little trapped as I string on someone who I once called friend...

I am unhappy right now. It might have something to do with the meds I'm on (antibiotics) and from watching Requiem For a Dream two nights ago (as I have been in a drunken stupor since Friday night). I don't want to be around people or sleep. I don't want to leave my room. The only thing I have to look forward to is my job which I start tomorrow.
Sometimes I really wish I could cry. As though all my problems and insecurities would wash away in my tears. Tears that would make me feel human.

maandag, augustus 11, 2008

Undercover Pirates of the Mainland...

Without a penny to our names, we walked away with a spectacular haul (of booze and cigarettes. If they were just going to throw it all up, we would give it a better home). So smooth...

Yeah and looking back, we could have gone further than a few drunken pecks. That was one HELL of an adventure. Nudity, subtle intimacy, rooftops and more booze than we knew what to do with! It basically ended when we fell asleep under the shade of a tree, so wornout from lack of sleep and sweating in the summer heat.

Of course we did have a curious audience everywhere we went. Unknown drunk men at the beginning assuming I could call her my own (I probably could've...at least it probably looked like it...). Construction workers watching two figures piss in an eavestrough and climb down from a roof with a case of beer on hand. People in the streets joining in on our drunken ramblings (you can meet so many random people...mostly men who may expect more, temporary friends). Friends/aquaintances watching us throw on clothes after a refreshing dip...and I'm sure we had a few people notice our exhausted bodies sleeping calmly.

(Not really going to get into the store incident...it was more rediculous than anything else.)

I cannot mention how floored I am by her. Knowing me, this is my reaction to someone new and amazing in my life...but how can one not fall into that groove where someone just amazes you so much you can't help but fall in love with them (it's probably pure admiration that I have mistaken for something more. Again...she has someone to love. I'm just a comfortable partner in crime). Regardless, I can still enjoy being around her and take things as they come (rather than expecting more).

There was so much drama going on and everyone else around us seemed to have an awful weekend...I had no reason to complain, slept unbelievably well which was much needed (or probably deserved). The one thing I would have changed was the innocent drunk kisses on cheeks as we probably would have went further...I just don't know what distracted us. We had a mission at hand at that time and it was perfectly executed...We just could have wasted a little more time on that. Apparently it's going to happen sooner or later so maybe when the moment is perfect and there isn't a couple drunkly gawking at us...that's probably what changed the subject, come to think of it.

On another note...I think a male who desires me hoped we could have gone through with his plans of "no strings attatched" tonight. My head was in la-la-land and moving away from his suble closeness. In all honesty, I should be blunt and point out that I'm not in his boat (to the point where at this moment I swam to the island of Lesbo and disregarded his feeble attempts at pulling me onto his boat that would crash on the rocks and drag ME to Hell). What he want's me to feel for him is what I feel for her (and if he knew that he would be more miserable, but blind not to notice...). We went over sexual numbers and I did point out that since him and I last talked about it, females have been added to my number...but he will probably remain in denial that I would actually want more than a sexual fling with a woman (because I'm just bi...so I can only play around with girls in his small hope that he might have a chance).
Right now I am free and I am happy. He isn't happy let alone close to it. He needs to find a way to get out of a negitive goove and enjoy what's around him (and learn how to love himself so he can love someone else rather than expecting them to do all the work for him). Being around him is too emotionally draining and I know he would be WAY more miserable with me. Telling him that I would feel like a bird in a cage, maybe a canary in a cage being dragged into the depths of a coalmine, feeling the black dust in my lungs and dying to escape. He would end up taking too far down into the mine and would ignore my panic for air as it is his home and I would be more a companion for him, slowly dying and he would wonder why his once lively canary is a lifeless, soot covered clump at the bottom of the cage.
You can't tell someone so emotionally fragile that they would slowly kill you if you were to fulfill their desires. That is just a little too harsh, but it would be blatantly obvious to everyone else. "Oh have you noticed how dead she seems since those two hooked up. It's as though she is becoming him. Taking on his negitivity by just being around him." He would only be happy in the realization that he FINALLY has me, but he would suck the liveliness that I have had to acquire (which was a struggle in itself), out of me. In a way it would almost be worth it to sacrifice myself to make him realize that HE needs to make an honest effort in changeing himself before he can maintain a lasting, healthy relationship...but I already dealt with that long enough and don't want to lose what I have now (this is where I get to be greedy). Fuck him.
His misery is his problem. I will be his friend, I will aid him as much as I can, but he isn't going to wear me in. We were having a fine time together, but he wanted more and wondered why I didn't want him and fell into a negitive funk and I had to kiss the remains of a decent time goodbye. I knew from the get go he couldn't just drop these feelings and his own ego and just ENJOY HIMSELF! FUCK!!

Grr...now I'm feeling grumpy. I'm going to get in a few hours of sleep and hope that I GET up in the morning as I expect a call for an interview and want to be prepared. Then I will be excited if I get the job as I get to be with my heart stealer (dude...that would be an awesome corny line..."ok, you stole my heart and I want to know if I get to have it back..." Yeah...I had something different in my head but forgot it just as fast...).
And now the waiting game begins (and I might be too excited to sleep...).

donderdag, augustus 07, 2008

None of my pants are happy pants. I'm really hating my selection of clothes...If it wasn't so hot out I would just wear everything I own so I can make up my fucking mind! Not even my underwear is making me happy (and I love my underwear).
Ooh and I have all these odd little red spots on my legs (mostly at the ankles)...strange...It's not itchy or bumpy or what I know as strawberry freckles...
On another note, I'm going nuts! Clothing pisses me off (which we already covered), I'm lonely (the mistake of hooking my best friend up with someone just as serious about relationships as she is and dumping someone who was obsessed with me), I'm bored out of my fucking skull (artsy little projects can only keep me sane for so long)...I find myself standing around not knowing what the fuck I'm doing.
So I don't know if I've mentioned my current situation...I'm alone and broke and very very sober. A broken cigar, Rhum and Whiskey (two of which are probably older than me, aside from the bottle I bought with the last scraps of my money. 3 very sad looking bottles) and dry old weed which I found lying around (goes to show how much I smoke it! I think it was donated to me early in July) are all I have to keep me sane and from being a fullout mooch. Ooh, and luckily I have vodka and Absinthe from my money days.
My room is scary...I'm getting scary...pacing around the house probably looks pretty bad. Last night I went on two walks because I couldn't sit at home anymore. I'm probably going to be doing that again shortly (however it will be one long walk). Shower, make-over and finding happy clothes first (because they will waste enough time).

Hahahaha, EVERYTHING costs money...Uhg, I'm going to choke myself. There's a shopping cart outside proclaiming my destiny. Grab the kitty and whatever crap I can possibly sell and sleep on and take off.
I need stability and actual friends (or I'll just find me one of those all consuming relationships and lose all the people I sorta consider friends). I'm sick of this busy then competely alone (and bored out of my fucking skull) pattern that I'm always stuck in. That needs to change as soon as possible before I do something crazy.
Speaking of crazy, I threatened to give my dad the middle finger today...Yes, that shows lack of respect for an elder, but you have NO idea how much this man needs to be beaten with a big metal rod! Me flipping him the birdie is a deathwish in itself though it would be well worth dying over. Trying to be mouthy is as risky as I'm going to get (as telling him he's a bastard while standing up for myself left me shaking to my core as I expected to wake up 2 hours later at the bottom of the stairs).

Someday I'm going to have a place to call home a job and a cat for my cat. That's the least I can hope for so I can't run myself dry expecting everything to be perfect.
Life could honestly be a bit better than it is right now.
I desire a smoke and a lay with a side of booze...

woensdag, augustus 06, 2008

Overwhelmed Heart...

I think I'm just lonely or horny or I just love people who I'm the happiest around.
This is rediculous but when I think of it enough, it's typical of me. She is new to my life and of course taken. The very first thing I think she said to me was "You are so beautiful," and continued drinking. Everyone does their thing and we sit together talking or behave a little mischievious. The last "relationship" that I was in, I couldn't even think of him the way I think of her. Of course I don't expect a thing to happen outside of gaining a really awesome partner in crime.

Sometimes I wish I had a job so I could go back to enjoying life...Too broke to go see Pineapple Express (which I have been looking forward to seeing...oddly enough...), too broke for cigarettes and booooze (which really shouldn't be a huge loss)...and whatever else I waste my time on.
I've had the artsy itch this year (moreso with this new and exciting person in my life who also happens to be an artist. I know more musicians than anything else so now I have someone who enjoys being creative without a loud penis extention...tho she plays guitar and I can make the piano sound like it's dying) and really need to get everything out of my head.
This morning while forgetting to sleep (I probably do need a reminder when I'm sleeping alone), I caught up on this quilt I started years ago. It's scary looking and nothing to look at on a hallucinegenic-like substance (or without schizo meds). This hideous monster will one day be complete (and I might be proud of it when it's done and crushing me during the winter).
Finished drawing out a tattoo...
Reading a lot...
Mutilating clothes I don't wear so I will want to wear them...
Now I need to work on some glass rings and whatever else my little brain needs to do.

I had a dream that he's avoiding me because he's with an ex. It wasn't like we were that close and I would love it if he could be happy (and not resentful or vengeful...).

I'm excited for some future plans...(just don't get too excited or expect too much as nothing can be perfect for too long...at least not in my life.)

zondag, augustus 03, 2008

All Our Little Secrets...

What a weekend! Fuck.
On friday I made my big bad ex regret crashing my buddies birthday. I looked good and he tried talking to me, telling me he loved me and I replied with no hesitation, "you only love me because I look like a little schoolgirl. Have we met before?" That's when one of my buddies hugged me and took me to the ground. We were aided up and as my ex touched my shoulder, everyone else intervened while I said my goodbyes. I found that he was staring at me a lot. Luckily I was too busy enjoying myself to care. SO DRUNK.
(After sobering up a bit, I realized that I have awesome friends.)
I went home with two of my buddies, but since I was so giddy, I couldn't sleep. I ended up leaving just before 6 to catch early morning transit (the world looked so empty. It was nice).

Yesterday, I went to sleep at 10 in the morning. A pretty girl and I met up in the afternoon and started drinking. We went to a park and talked. She heard something (as she is a smartypants)...and believes that I would be perfect for my attaction if their partner was out of the way (all that floored me and I couldn't respond but tried to play casual). We ended up climbing on top of a school to continue smoking, drinking and talking.
Two buddies showed up to rescue us. I joined my bestfriend on a short escape.
The things we had to talk about were insane!
Ultimately, I think I put a giant target on my attraction and I just hope to avoid any slip-ups. I cannot wrap my head around this weekend.
We met back up with my buddies and the drinking and smoking continued. The girls took off to the washroom to do their hair (I joined, porn mag in hand), which left the guys very curious (moreso after we closed the door). The night was long but all was well. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves and slowly things shut down (I got home around 5...drunk off my rocker).

I have had the most horrible sleep schedule. I really can't continue doing this if I want a day job...which I'm hoping to get come Tuesday (damn long weekend). This no money situation is pathetic, and I hate how bored I am.
Right now a sorta messy room and a bunch of art projects are calling me so I should get my ass in gear.