"The Marriage Of Heaven and Hell."

Everything is all mixed up. Chaos is definately my life. It seems the males in my life own me and they have their own women to tend to as well. Wow, strange...
This week was two sides of a coin...or good and bad. If that makes any sense...
Sunday was something I needed but I totally brought this weeks mess upon myself (intimacy with a friend...that wasn't my ex..)
Monday night was nice. I thought it made a good end to something that didn't end...
Tuesday after spending a lovely evening with one of the few women in my life, I confessed to a naughty deed over the weekend to my ex. He was furious and frustrated with me which made me miserable. I hate making people feel horrible, but I do it so well. Our conversation ended on a strangely sexual note.
Thursday (because Wednesday didn't exist. No Wednesday consisted of me and my ex talking...talking talking talking. Miserable talking) night I went with my ex to see a group of friends band rehearsal. My ex was fairly upset with me and the vocalist...and after the drummer left, the circus began. The girlfriend of the vocalist and I thought that my ex would ram the vocalists head through the wall. My ex choked himself with a patch cord, and all three males acted out in ritualistic showing off (with the usual things such as humping, destroying things, showing off body parts, and acts of aggression). Men are strange. After bombarding my ex who was hiding and having him fling me around, flipping me onto the couch, he decided he was sick of being trapped within an awkward Hell created by the vocalist and I (so I really fucked up their chance at having a friendship again), he started to leave. He asked if I was coming...and I had to chase after him. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I love him, but it was nice to be in a comfortable atmosphere (for me anyways) with friends. I really wanted to talk to him and after he stormed out and was chased by the man he wanted to kill, he came back (I was told he was pissed by the remaining musician...which was obvious, but it was nice to know what the thorn that was wedged into his paw was...instead of hoping for a wild mood swing).
I left with my ex and we sat together in the freezing cold in his car sharing a black cigarette and talking. It was nice to cuddle(?) up next to him just trying to relax, to breathe. He called me much later in the evening with another bizaar sexual conversation. We seem to have those A LOT. But I fell for him because of his sexual and morbid mind (and we could actually talk).
On Friday night I went swimming with my ex and actually enjoyed myself. Much better then the week before. The Walrus is going to pay for destroying the Egg Man's "perfect" skin!
The remainder of Friday night was...BAD! I went out to meet someone at a bar...and apparently he showed up at the big line at 11:30. While waiting for him, every drunk wolf looked me over with sexual intentions. 4 surrounded me. I was miserable so I drank until I was numb, but still capable of understanding what is going on around me. Being a young woman alone at night downtown is a nightmare of a situation...and two of the wolves wanted to keep me by their sides. One guy wanted to go jamming with another band a few doors and suggested we went to go get his Djembe. Of course I know it is REALLY stupid for a little girl to follow two older strangers around while druck, but I did so. I knew that the drummer man wanted to play really badly and would hope to play for me, lure me and then things might get bad. I followed them to the drummer's two room mini appartment (the washrooms were public...and was only a SMALL kitchen and enough space for a bed in each room). He got his drum, they smoked weed, and we trecked out to the bar. I didn't go in. I got out of this situation while I could, called my father and ate pizza...and talked to my distressed ex. Getting home and crawling into my spinning bed was the best part to that drunken nightmare.
Saturday morning, my ex woke me up even worse then the night before. I have never really had anyone cry over me but him and it hurt me that I would actually cause this much pain on someone I loved the most in the world. The whole situation made me wonder what I was doing. So I trecked over to his house in minus 25 weather. I tend to do this for him every so often...
We curled up to each other in his bed...then argued...then ate breakfast after I threatened to leave. Fucked up relationship, yes I know. We have been through too much to go our separate ways (though he thinks I'll ditch him without a second thought) and this hasn't been the best week. We watched Spawn together (as I dozed off every so often...haven't caught up on my rest yet...last weekend wore me down...and every late night this week) and he took me home. After several hours of nothing, I got to escape this dreaded house. I went out with the band I watched on Thursday and the vocalists girlfriend. Lots of drinking, inappropriate touching and cigarettes...it was delightful. I was trying to do something and not being drunk yet, I somehow made myself appear so by knocking my glass over which tossed around the contents of the ashtray and made a horrible mess. All my female companion and I could do was laugh and make a poor attempt to clean it up. The bassist took plenty from me...money to get him drunk, cigarettes, my attempts to look decent instead of like a pissed ass (he took me to go watch the band that was playing and was my crutch because I needed someone to support my weight...and he copped a feel at every chance he could get...but he was also doing so to the vocalists woman so it was all fair). The vocalist got his fill of me as well (pinching my ass, a kiss...grabbing my breasts...). After one trip to the washroom, my female companion and I stumbled our drunk asses back to the table, and I managed to slip out of my chair and fall on my tucas. I did the same after laying back onto the vocalists car and sliding to the ground. We made our way to the drivers house (vocalist too drunk to drive so we travelled under with a driver who never drove in the winter and who only had his learners...Weeeeee!). While there I found myself a touching glove (just like Micheal Jackson...I aspire to touch young-in's) and felt a guy up...he looked about...13. Pizza was ordered, the vocalists pants were pretty much ripped off his body and the remnants were used by the males to beat the crap out of each other. I had a delectable time, even though I was on the verdge of falling asleep. I left with the sobering up vocalist and his girlfriend. We got to their house and had to leave soon after to take me home because my ex called them about my whereabouts...I got home and we talked. To make things more confusing in our relationship, we had sex...("I've been a bad bad girl...")
With four hours of sleep (got to sleep around 6), I had to wake up...everyone around me was buzzing about and my family isn't known to be quiet. My ex and I layed in bed for an hour. I find that men are territorial and if they see you as their woman...you are owned. I have one man who is showing me he is very lost (there is plenty more to say here, but I'm not ranting about his behavior) and another man who seems angry because I'm in love with someone who hurts me (and seems to have some attachment to me, though I could be wrong. I talked to him today to find out he was angry at me).
Again...chaos. I am so lost. I really hope for things to smooth out and I hope I don't lose anyone along the way.
THE WHISPERERS
A lonely silhouette,
Smoking a cigarette,
Hoping for the phone to ring,,
Though she's sick of the sound
Of mouths
Winding her up
And putting her down.

Don't get sad
When people that you trusted stab you in the back.
So, you thought they were your friends?
Now you know (now you know).
There's one thing in life that holds.

And now she wants to cry,
Staying in on Friday night,
Lying in her birthday suit,
And listening to the bickering,
From the room above,
And wondering if it's fear of loneliness or love,
That keeps people like that together,
Forever...

Don't get sad,
When people that you trust stab you in the back
So, you thought they were your friends?
Now you know (now you know).
There's one thing in life that holds.
You're on your own (you've gotta grow).
-The The

"...tnemoM elbarenluV tsoM yM sI sihT..."

'Hi...'
He says,
To see if she listens.
Sweet boy,
Deep eyes,
That watch.
Sexuality,
Controlling,
Corrupting his mind.
Her curiosity,
The enticement,
Leads her to spead.
Fast love,
Some connection,
And danger.
After play,
They are adults,
And who have they hurt?
Such fantasy,
Caving to desire,
Smoking in the cold.
Intimacy,
Sunrise,
and the end of the night.

I felt so much better after getting out of my house. I really shouldn't lock myself into this agony. All my pain was bundled up tight and tossed away, and this morning I felt wonderful. Someone gave me a reason to feel better about myself and I couldn't resist buzzing. Walking around as though I had wings to carry me. How odd...Though I love it! Wooo! Kewsen Sie mich soener DAMON!!! Purr...

FAST LOVE
Looking for some education
Made my way into the night
All that bullshit conversation
Well baby can't you read the signs
I won't bore you with the details baby
I don't even want to waste your time
Let's just say that maybe
You could help to ease my mind
Baby, I ain't Mr. Right
But if you're looking for fastlove
If that's love in your eyes
It's more than enough
Had some bad luck
So fastlove is all that I've got on my mind
What's there to think about baby?
Looking for some affirmation
Made my way into the night
My friends got their ladies
They're all having babies
But I just want to have some fun
I won't bore you with the details baby
Gonna get there in your own sweet time
Let's just say that maybe
You could help to ease my mind
Baby, I ain't Mr. Right
What's there to think about baby?
Get yourself some lessons in love
In the absence of security
I made my way into the night
Stupid cupid keeps on calling me
But I see nothing in his eyes
I miss my baby
I miss my baby, tonight
So why don't we make a little room
In my BMW babe
Searching for some peace of mind
I help you find it
I do believe that we are practicing the same religion
You really ought to get up now
Looking for some affirmation?
-George Micheals

"This Is My Most Vulnerable Moment."

Tickle My Head Happy With Disturbed Imagery.

So earlier tonight I wanted to kill myself. I was pretty much kaputz with my photography project, so I went to the bathroom to take out the film in the dark incase I didn't rewind it up all the way. I finally got the camera open to feel around at nothing. How frustrating to think that you finally have two people to cooperate and have several takes to choose from before finding the perfect ones to complete your assignment and all your time and effort was just a waste.
So I went for a walk (after one lonely drink) to clear my head and escape from wanting to buy something strong to sit alone and drown with. When I came home, I decided to come onto this contraption and found my happiness. I started talking to him and writing somewhere else and we talked of such morbid things. I was also listening to Marilyn Manson (he can suit a lot of my moods...like deranged. I was this way before I started listening to him so don't think my problems are a result of his music. You would be plenty wrong) which did assist in making a change for the better. Smells Like Children...an album which can get me riled up because of the flow of the music and how alluring it sounds.
I left some rambling elsewhere and I garantee anyone who reads it will think I'm absolutely nuts, but who am I to care?
All and all, good has become out of my misfortune...a bizaar twist, but so long as I can be happy for at least awhile, things will be decent in my mind.

Heal me my dear Brena...

Last night was as mixed as any other night with him. I was in a good mood because I love being able to see him. It lasted longer then he expected.
We talked about random things that came up (which I generally started). He kept throwing things at me and saying that he was going to make a voodoo doll of me which was his explaination for pulling my hair out of my brush and trying to mix it into his clothes. Eventually he decided to sit in my bed (when really he shouldn't get close to my bed). I poked Paul Balenni and he attacked me back making me giggle defenselessly. When the monster stopped so could breathe, he positioned me so I was sitting between his legs. He massaged my back for awhile, pulled me into his body and massaged my front bones for awhile. He kept putting his face close to the side of mine and eventually pushed my neck down as if he was going to suck my blood. I made the comment "Are you going to be my Dracula?" which got him to bite me.
He turned my body a bit and kept biting me. After tieing him up (he keeps suggesting I do so and asked me to do so last night), pouring hot wax down his body, whiping him and so forth I set him free from the chair (wheelchair...) and things fell apart. We became intimate which set the hurt button off and I cried. I wanted to have him back from this other woman (though I have had him more intimately then she has, I miss kissing him and I miss sharing a bed with him) and I allowed my feelings to get in the way again. He thought he was hurting me...in an emotional sense, yes, but physical pain is something I can deal with or even ignore.
He kept looking me in the eyes (where I saw the man who still loved me but to afraid to say so) and kissed me. The kiss brought some shock because that was his last basis for not cheating ("I didn't start it...That's why I didn't kiss you.") or having feelings for me. He told me he was sick of the fighting after I told him that I hated how much I loved him. He continued kissing me, holding me and looking at me with compassion. I didn't want to ask any questions because I had missed the way he made me feel and any interigations would have made things worse.
I knew I didn't have him back and hugged him goodbye. I cried myself to sleep because I was so lost and sick of my feelings. I didn't expect him to write me a long email explaining that now isn't the right time for us to be together, but there might be a time in the future ("I sometimes do have it in my mind that we may at one time get back together"), and that he is sorry about last night. I still don't want to believe in the aspect of us getting back together because then my hopes might be smashed into pieces. As much as I love him and want him back, I want to realise that I might have to let him go (ouch). It will save me a lot of pain when I do get my life on track.
Love is such a painful thing to get tangled up in. I still think he is my soulmate, we were meant to meet up eventually (his brother lives next to family friends of mine and I do remember them talking about the boy next door which was him visiting his brother. We had mutual friends in school and we never had anyone as close as we got to each other. Social misfits who were the other pieces to the puzzle for each other) and maybe we will at least remain as close friends. We still have to put a bandaid over our friendship, but I will appreciate to still have him in some sense (the only person who never gave up on me and doesn't want to lose me).

"I'm becoming what I used to be afraid of. When the whole world wants to destroy you, every day is your last day and every performance is your final one. The antichrist isn't just me, or just one person. It's all of us, a collective state of mind that America needs to have awakened in them. I want to awake it in them. That's the purpose of this tour, maybe even my life, to make Americans realize they don't have to believe in something just because they have been told it all their lives. You can't have someone who has never had sex or drugs telling you it's wrong. Only through experience can you determine your own morality. Humanity isn't about constantly having to seek forgiveness for being human; humanity is leading a guiltless existance as an individual. That is armageddon, because, to Christianity, if you forsake the idea of God and believe in yourself, the world is over." -Marilyn Manson (Long Hard Road Out of Hell)

Dear 'god' what a bad day! I woke up with a horrible head ache so I decided to sleep it off for awhile. I expected to get to work around 8:30, but I had to wait for my second bus to get downtown in the cold (thus arriving around 8:45).
My body was not my friend. It is almost as though it wants to feel like shit because any good I try bringing to it only makes everything worse. The day went by SO slowly (even if I was late and left early, it took forever!) so when the time I decided to leave at finally rolled around I fled the scene.
On my way home, while waiting for the bus that goes towards my house I decided to finish my last cigarette. Big mistake. A few blocks from where I got on the bus I got off and tried to make haist (which was a wobbly slow walk-like I was tipsy and mixing drugs) to the gas station washroom where I stripped down to my first sweater and ran some water on my hands.
I sat on the floor trying to not look at anything with detail or words. I was hoping for my body to give in to the nausea and just throw up, but nothing came out. I looked at myself in the mirror and looked like I could be overdosing on something (flushed of whatever color I had with big red or brown lines under my eyelids, and eyes open in such a sickly maner). Sadly, this matched how Marilyn Manson was feeling in some sense in the part of the book (The Long Hard Road Out Of Hell) I ended at before bailing the bus. He was sitting in the hospital worried about the only person he could still bring himself to love (she was deadly ill. I relate because of my male disapearing out of my life which is tearing me appart). Also, he was realizing his life's downfall and was trapped within misery. I looked around the scummy bathroom and realized I felt how this bathroom looked and wanted to die or reside in a hospital for awhile.
After spending some time trying to regain some strength to leave and catch the next bus, I through on a coat and barely holding myself up, I walked to the next stop (as my bus rushed passed me).
Some rude humans decided to yell something at me, people stared, a man motioned with his hand which I think was a *drinky drinky* type motion. A cold breeze decided to continually rush at my back (which was exposed in the slouched position I was in). On the bus the feeling returned but I focused on something else so I could at least make it home. Eyes stared at me where ever I went (I hate it when people feel the urdge to stare at me as though they are stealing my soul with their persistant eyes. I don't mind looks of concern, like someone is hoping to help me if I start to fall, but, sorry for the stereo-type, old orental people are the worst for this and they don't give two shits on who you are, they just want to look at you until you or they are gone!).
Home was so nice. I climbed into the shower, ate then passed out for a few hours. I really don't want to leave the house anymore. Too much bad results from it. Next Monday should be nice though. It will be a busy day because I have my last photography class and some guy invited me to some "rock-a-billy" evening at a lounge. Sounds interesting and would be a good change of pace for me.
I was going to write an exerpt from Marilyn's Dream perspective, but this exerpt sounds more suitable for my situation:
I began to sing. "There's not much left to love." I reflexively took a sniff of the cocaine in front of my face. "Too tired today to hate." The drug didn't even effect me anymore. "I feel the empty." Something wet splashed in the middle of the pile of white powder. "I feel the minute of decay." It was a tear. "I'm on my way down now." I was crying. "I'd like to take you with me." I couldn't remember the last time I had cried--even felt--like this. "I'm on my way down." I completely broke down.
...She was the only person left for whom I was capable of feeling any love, and to lose her would be to destroy my only chance of returning to the nomal human world of feelings, sentiments and passion--to destroy in essence, myself.

In Steps My Hidden Angel...

Today was a big day for me. I spent my work day (which started at 7:15) filing and running around and wanting to cave into painful feelings. I chased down a woman willing to give me a drag (I didn't really need one, but I wanted something to make me dumb and tingly for a little while (I went looking for an actual cigarette and people saw me more as a homeless or angsty youth looking for free anythings, then as a business women just wanting to drown). Things have been pretty bad lately. I haven't been able to feel good about myself for quite some time (I have been doing good here and there, but otherwise I have been slowly breaking down any good I built up).
After work I headed to the cities occult and witch supply store. I met the most wonderful human there. She saw I had a problem and broke through to me. I burst into tears and she lifted me back up. She was the first supportive person I have actually come across. She told me what I need to do to start healing and gave me a healing rock to hold to my Solar Plexis and it will ail some of my problems (generally my ulcer and any eating issues and will help me cope with any hateful emotions towards myself). She was my shoulder to cry on and placed no judgements on me (she has had to deal with a handful of problems before). I only came to her store for something to bring luck to my life or some strength and I felt so much better when I left.
I feel everything was meant to happen at certain times. I have met so many strange insightful people thoughout my life, but with actual contact information between us, I'm hoping to know her for a long time because she is truely wonderful woman. Thanks to her, I have more strength to get better (which was needed). I feel better now then I did through any other point in the day and she broke a block in me that allowed me to cry and realize my situation. I am going to give her something to show my appreciation for what she has done for me (and what she has continued to want to help with).
I have known since the big disaster that I'm not ready for a relationship at the moment, I just don't want to lose him. I want to rebuild my life and my relationship with him and I know life will get better for me. Everything takes time.

Make up your fucking mind!!

I am drained. I was so happy yesterday and the night before. Dancing around, singing and not feeling bad at all. He came over and we went to my uncle's party...eventually. Both of us drank, but since I can't take anything down (not even food), I had a stomach ache. Alcohol and coca-cola are drinks I can't indulge in (on a one drink a month basis). Ulcer?
Well we came back to my place after an hour (I think that's how long we were there) and sat infront of the tv. Eventually I got to massaging him as I had promised but since my spirit was blown I didn't feel like lighting the candles to set a more relaxing mood. Added some lotion and gave him a nice long massage (45 mins?...and he wanted me to massage his front which got him moving and breathing in a way I have to avoid).
Of course I can't do anything nice for him without Mr. Penis wanting to voice his opinion. I decided to act oblivious and stare at the television (no temptation that way) but he kept staring at me. Eventually I turned off the tv and turned over to go to sleep. I thought there was something wrong with him and finally decided to hug him. Hugs can make someone feel better. It made me feel better until he said he didn't mind me touching him. I hugged him...he hands travelled...eventually he pulled me on him. He is sexually attracted to me which saddens me. Sex has lead to nothing good. It used to be something so wonderful which made me feel like I had someone I could share my emotions and body with. Now I don't know how to feel towards it.
I am always a foolish girl and ofcourse I caved because the things he was doing to me felt so good. No sex, just gave him no choice but to come and end things there. I want something from him doesn't want to give me anymore. I would love to have someone to curl up next to, to kiss and hold. I can go without sex if there is nothing else to it. If he was in love with me, Hell, I would feel a lot better right now. How can he still go on with himself after fooling around with his ex? Does he have to balls to tell her (Ha! And lose Miss Happy-Go-Lucky?)? I can see him dragging her down no matter how happy she is.
So I'm sick of my obsession over someone who wants my body but can't stand to hear out my mind. It's like I'm addicted to having someone I love treat me like shit. Why do I still have hope for something he wants to erase? Stupid girl.

Drown The Happy Clown!

Upon my voyage of attempting to get better I have realized something. I can't live with my sister. She is an all around energy blow. She will insult you or find a way to make you feel degraded with sarcasm and her own "pain." She isn't really troubled in anyway. Average teenage emotional issues and the never ending want to fit in. She is having friend problems...at least she has friends ( and more then you can fit on all 4 fingers on one hand. I don't know if I can fill even a hand). I have had to repair my friendships with my 2 friends from high school...then there is him. All in all, I sat alone majority of my school years because I don't attract people to well. I never really could relate to any one I could call a friend (except my ex male...we have our own compatable brain waves it seems). All she really has are emotional issues and issues with her appearance, and believe me, she doesn't care to get better. I have told her the many stories of parts of my life which has shocked her (and if it can shock someone who believes so much is wrong with them, then who really has the bigger metaphorical penis here?). Her life is really tame and easy. I know everything that is wrong with her and she will never bring it to herself to admit to any of it. I will admit that I have allowed myself to become troubled for various reasons. I liked scaring people in some sense, but that is when I need to talk (I will only tell friends my probblems) which lead to watching the horror on their faces and having them clueless on how to help me. I have allowed things to build up or get in the way of my life. She likes to complain it seems. That is all she does. She can't find anything good in herself because she never looks. I have made lists of the good in me and those I love so I know what to appreciate about my life. It has actually helped me out and has brought a smile to my face. Really, I have created my own form of therapy that has been working for me. When I need to cry, I will let it all out. I look for things to make me feel better and it has been working. I have only locked myself in a bathroom stall at work 1 day this week. I have still been sad deep in my heart trying to accept all these changes in my life (losing him being the biggest), but I have allowed good things in. Nothing has to be this big sunshiny day (I love the rain so a dark gloomy cloud is a bad comparison to explain the bad in my life. I would love to have it rain out or to get to walk in a misty day instead of being locked in a building until the sun comes out, also I burn so easily...).
Getting onto the reason why I can't live with my sister is because she will never admit to having a problem outside of "depression" (CRAZY TEENAGE HORMONES!!) and will never put the effort into getting better. Even if I talked to her (she doesn't listen. It's a good life speach to a brick wall who throws insults and negitivity back at you), she wouldn't take anything into consideration...and then she would bitch about her life and I will feel horrible for trying to help her and have her not bothering to listen. He had problems with trying to reach out and help me. I did try listening to him once when it was close to a year in our what-you-may-call-it relationship, but when caved to weakness he made things worse. He called me a quiter and said I would never get better because I buckled under pain. I really did want to give this "coping" methood up for him because I loved him so much and he kissed me and said he wished I would stop it. He has caved many times before and I never really made him feel bad by telling him he was a quitter until I put in so much hope for a year and a half for him with no progress. He didn't fully give up on me and asked for so much of me. I wanted to stop all my problems for him and it seems that not until you lose a person is when you decide to fix things. I wish that I did fix things sooner so I could still have him by my side and it might have been easier to have gone though the problem detox situation.
Tomorow I get to see him which excites me! I really look forward to seeing him because I don't see him everyday anymore it is a really big thing for me to see him the few times a week he drops by (also, I still haven't found a way to get over him so I become a little girl getting to see her big "crush"). I love him a lot and really miss him. He is also staying the night! YAY! I am making him supper and then we get to pull a quicky visit at my uncle's surprise birthday party (My ex male is sweet in the sense that he is going to suffer along with me. He absoluely hates my uncle, but he is still going). I think we are going to work on my photography project at some point. I want to do a lot more with him (not just acting out on my pent up sexual feelings towards him. I love him for more then that!), but I really don't know what he will be in the mood for. This has actually been the highlight of my week...I don't actually do much with my time anymore so, I have to look forward to something.
My cat knocks on my door when he wants in. *Tap, tap* He actully waits before pawing at the door again. It's really creepy how smart he is...