Falling Into Insignificant Lies And Living Through Falsities...Everything Is Chaotic And Delectable Distorted Imagery... "They tend to be suspicious, bristly, paranoid-type people with huge egos they push around like some elephantiasis victim with his distended testicles in a wheelbarrow terrified no doubt that some skulking ingrate of a clone student will sneak into his very brain and steal his genius work." ~WSB

donderdag, februari 14, 2008

The passion in your eyes ignites me...

I feel like being romantic to over-compensate for my lack of being loveable. Men can chase me into full-out seclusion, but that's not love. Though I've been leftout from being a normal girl on Valentine's Day so many times before, I actually want to be leftout this year because I'm surrounded by boys...I feel like a spare tire or conveniently there. Oddly enough, someone I have had my eye, eyes me back (if that makes sense...) but thanks to having my self-worth continuously ripped apart by the "love of my life" I think it's one VERY cruel joke. I can honestly believe that I'm the ass end of some cruel joke or someone actually being attracted to me. I'm merely here for sex...yep...nothing more.
Uhg, so I'm not sleeping...I'm burning out so I'm going to take advantage of this feeling so maybe I won't feel as crappy tomorrow (just curl up and huff paint so nothing makes sense...maybe passout for a little while...). I've been wanting to take the day off and hide in bed all day, and it seems I'm over reacting to a day that has been over glamourized.
Since I've never dealt with having an actual ex, I'm really glad that my ex has given me the feeling that I want to vomit for even thinking of intercourse with him (because he's crashing and burning and showing that since he can only get fugly (funny-ugly) girls, that I too am a fugly girl. That's a real ego burn!). And the fact that he can drop me like a hat if he thinks he can get some tail (any opportunity he can get because he annoys all the other ladies...). I believe that if we were still playing his sick little game I would be dead in no time. I believe to my very core that he was slowly killing me (not by poison, but by dumping his depression on me. The weight of his selfish misery added to my self-loathing and loneliness was crushing me and destroying me. I've never wanted to kill myself around anyone more than around him).

Just to feel the skin and being caressed in return by another would drive my senses wild. Shiver and flush from sweet affection. Such desires linger in my every thought.

Off into whatever dreams will have me and I await tomorrows mysteries...