Falling Into Insignificant Lies And Living Through Falsities...Everything Is Chaotic And Delectable Distorted Imagery... "They tend to be suspicious, bristly, paranoid-type people with huge egos they push around like some elephantiasis victim with his distended testicles in a wheelbarrow terrified no doubt that some skulking ingrate of a clone student will sneak into his very brain and steal his genius work." ~WSB

zondag, januari 18, 2009

Yeah, I loved you, so what?"

Everyday of this new fucking year I miss all these people of my past...which I believe is part of the being steps of sobriety. What reason do I have to be sober anyway? I'm alone constantly, and now in pain because I screwed up my tailbone again. No longer employed full-time and nothing in my future. Why must I be so miserable? Because I'm not fucked up on whatever and working mindlessly 8+ hours a day 5 days a week? Too much free time? Should I be a workaholic? Probably, as I can't be alone with myself for too long without contemplating suicide or mutilation.
Sick thing is, seeing as my best friends are all missing currently, I'm deeply desiring my ex. I hate the thought of it, but I miss him too much (as I am finally sober to even feel such a thing). My current bestfriend is living out of the city and I miss her a lot. Right now I'm saving up to move to where she is as it only makes sense in my head. Who am I staying here for? There is no one I can think of...
Except there is a curious case of an ex-crush of mine showing interest in me though I really have stopped caring. Honestly, I barely have emotions anymore. I'm either miserable or numb and no one can tell the difference from my falsified smile. I just plan on leaving the city and waiting until anyone notices which won't be for a LONG time. Oddly enough, I enjoy being next to invisible. You can't hurt anyone or get close to anyone.

Who am I? I don't even know myself anymore...Nor do I even really care.