Random Breakdown

Lastnight, I flipped out on a man. I just lost it infront of people, with my friend on the phone listening to everything. He got to me in some strange way and my mind needing someone to let loose on snapped at him. Curse words flying everywhere and I had a fire in my eyes. My mind believed that he was harming another female and since I've been a victim in the past, it was like an abused animal finally attacking and destroying the agressor. When it was over, I craved to scream and punch something. I sat down for a cigarette outside, my hand trembling the whole time, heart racing. I haven't had a fight like that in a long time. Luckily it was short and no one was hurt physically.
Once I got to my temporary home, I started drinking to calm myself. I drank too fast and made myself sick. I was alone in a washroom, vomitting and balling my eyes out (not because I was sick, but because I couldn't believe what had happened and needed to breakdown).

Lately I've been confrontational in many ways (beginning of post being one way). The most important one though has been part 2 of talking to my ex. For some reason I thought of him and decided we needed to have some closure. He agreed so when I'm home we will find some time to sort everything out. I have no idea what to expect, I just hope that it goes well. There is so much I need to say, but have no idea how to start. This will be good for us though.

Weird vivid dreams. Less of the physical, visual and auditory hallucinations, but unbelieveably realistic. The one I remember from earlier had to do with living where I am now in a strange appartment building, chasing after an ex-friends evil cat, the swimming and shopping (which is more like I'm on a mission because I'm alone and in that situation, I'm very down to business). Then I came back to reality and carried on with my day.

Apparently I need to inform people I hate when I leave town. My aunt flipped when she found out that I was out of town and didn't inform my parents. My sister knows...that's important. The people I live with know...that's important. Anyone I consider family or loved ones knows pretty much. That's the important part. My sisters number is on the fridge incase of anything (house sitting or emergencies). I am prone to disapearing when I want to, but my aunts afraid for when I don't want to. Well that's something to worry about when it does happen, but when I'm out of debt, I'm out of the family. That's my plan and I'm sticking to it.

...

That Old Feeling...

At a social gathering with some old friends, I saw him. Due to everyone keeping us FAR away from each other for so long, it was such a strange night as that's the longest we have been together in years. Everyone was more uncomfortable with the situation than I was. Yes, it was a nightmare in the eyes of everyone around us when things started to fall apart. There were fewer and fewer good moments between us and everyone tried so hard to get us to stay apart without falling apart. An enemy actually decided to be buddy buddy with me a couple times and basically forgave and accepted me for what happened (as I was the Hell spawn in his eyes). He realized I wasn't actually as evil as I was portrayed.
Everyone treated me like I disapeared off the face of the Earth and were so surprised and happy to see me. They also treated him like shit. It actually bothered me and I couldn't join them. You realize I loved this person with all my heart. He was my bestfriend and there is apart of me that is him, that belongs to him. I can't watch him fall apart and feel nothing. I can't laugh at him when he makes an ass out of himself. I've been my own trainwreck and would hate to think people would say horrible things about me when I obviously need help and a friend.
The next day on my bus ride out of town, I contacted him via text. I'm not surprised I know his number still, he forgot mine. I wanted to just let him know I wasn't pleased with what he was doing to himself. We got to talking, which is the longest conversation we have had in years (we barely talked at the party). It made me wish I gave him a hug before I left with someone he considered a threat to our what-you-may-call-it relationship in the past. It would have meant a lot and would have shown that I still gave a damn. There are times I have thought of getting back together, usually when I'm really lonely. That will never happen if he's going to be a drunk the rest of his life, if he is still emotioanlly unstable and jealous. The man I originally fell in love with, doesn't exist. He's a shell and it hurts. I want to see him better so he can actually have a life.

I did spend two nights in a row, snuggled up to previously mentioned threat. This person has become one of my closest friends (something the girls at the party no longer live up to). We both are lonely which makes sense as to why naked and alcohol didn't even end in sex. It was nice to just have someone there who cares. We made our peace with the fact that we both want different things and never considered botching what we have.
It is just nice to feel less alone sometimes.

*incert title here*

My sleep pattern is warped. Lucky for me my heart doesn't ache when I attempt to shutdown (and that I get more and more of a bed to sleep on the more I put my room back together). I did have a migraine though lastnight. My initial thought was "I'm never going to get to sleep though I'm actually craving it." After trying to position my head so that it made things better (because having my neck bent back in an 'L' shape while my head was in pain wasn't the best idea), shutting my brain down from some stupid song stuck in my head, "listen to the radio, I mean, that's the main reason for me to be up this late so many times before, I don't even know what is going on." That worked, but once my female roomate was up and showering, I was up feeding my cat. Sleep, sleep, sleep...oh so now my nerves are against me?! Am I really that stressed where my mind and body are going to bitch, moan and complain at me?! Or maybe my body was upset that it didn't go running this morning. Hopefully the latter as that can be compensated for.
I did realize though, that I'm stressing myself out over the wrong things. Nothing right now is as bad as I feel I'm making it out to be. I've survived worse and need to suck it up, and get over it. I'm royally messing myself up because of things that don't really matter in the long run. The fact that I slept for essentially 2 hours and woke up unprovoked, goes to show my mind has a set pattern and it is going to continue with it because I have kept up with this pattern for weeks! I even woke up at 1am the other night after catching up on my sleep, just to stay up until after 6, completely unintentionally, but due to my body knowing that it has to be awake during certain hours.
Frustrating, but oh well. I'm now fully awake and capable of having a productive day. Clothing that needs to be donated, important things to be bought, a friend to visit, laundry...dishes...pancakes...reading...packing, organizing my room (the clutter and disorganization makes me antsy).

Oh, and I give up on this little war. The other side wins, I don't care anymore. I made a big deal out of nothing with actual value. My side fought, but didn't understand what it was fighting for. Be honest and live a lie. Be you but not around me. Love but hate everything. It doesn't make a lick of sense, so they get what they fought for. I can be what is asked of me, but you will never see "me" again. I guess that is for the best in itself as you love me but hate everything about me, I can only offer a fake me in order to appease everything you ask of me. I'm going to change all the bad, but on MY terms. I cannot belong to you anymore, I cannot love you, I cannot be ME for you, so this is done. You will absolutely love the new me, though. Never a sign of weakness, everything you want to hear and you will never know what goes on in my heart because you don't belong there anymore.

Oddly, I'm growing quite comfortable with being single but unavailable. Intimate relationships can take over one's life and I feel trapped. I feel trapped if the wrong person spoons me as I act like I'm being suffocated! When someone takes fancy in me, I act as though they are asking me to marry them! All the people who adored me in the past in a way I did not want them to, I made sure to taint or destroy everything between the others and me. Men who submit to me as though I am a queen, women who chase me around...I get into a panic and find away to rid myself of them. Morrissey makes a good role model here. Can't be defined as straight or gay, but he has gone to the extent of not caring really to be sexual. I'm a sexual being, but I wouldn't mind giving it completely up until I can sort my life out and find what I'm looking for.
Strange little rant. It's getting late, I best be leaving.

It Hurts to Sleep...

My mind will not allow me to shut down until I'm worn out. I have to use every ounce of energy and then I crash hard. To bad I sleep during the afternoon when I should be sleeping at night. My perfect sleep schedule for when I'm old and retired (which will never happen by the looks of it). If it wasn't the strangers who knock on windows in the middle of the freaking night (which I'm supposed to treat as normal and non-threatening), sending my heart into a panic, or my cat assaulting me when I attempt to sleep. Or thinking, thinking, thinking, the endless thinking about everything. Or Eddie.
Now I lie down and my heart feels sick, my mind makes it worse. I have to distract myself by making up a dream and attempting to run with it, which rarely works now. I listen to things that would haunt my mind when I was younger. They are entertaining, distracting, but not even capable of giving me fear to sleep in my roomates bed (which would probably allow me the rest I need to fix this schedule without sleeping pills).
I started something which has made things worse. This hole is fucking deep and it's time to find a way to the surface. This is why I go numb. This is why I torture myself. This is why I let it build up inside of me and explode when no one is watching. I have people I love and care about again which makes things hard because I feel I let them down. I sit and wait for them to leave or push me away because it's only history repeating itself. I'm too much to handle, like a bratty child who destroys everything in my path or I'm embarassing or I'm travelling a path they do not wish to see me follow. I've replaced bad habits with different bad habits.
So I realize I can't rely on myself to make me better. I want to. It seems like the strong thing to do. To overcome challenges like a big girl, to get stronger all on my own. Yeah, it seems easy when thought out, while putting into practice is a much greater challenge. Trying to help others when I can barely stand on my own (figuratively speaking of course).
I'm a happier person to be around in the right company, or when I have found a good distraction. I can't say that every second of everyday I'm as miserable as I was, because I'm not in that same hole. I enjoy what is around me, I enjoy creating things, I enjoy spending time with the people in my life now. The problem went from issues with the place I'm living in (due to some white trash men, and the clutter), attempting to mourn, financial and job issues to full blown arguements with two people I care about, family issues, and having to talk someone out of not being so obsessive (the guy in the last post).
The guy in the last post...that was an interesting situation all on it's own. I felt uncomfortable. I talked to my male roomate about the situation and he started suggesting this could be a more serious issue than I was assuming. So I contacted this guy and asked for him to meet me in a public place, and he started getting frustrated with why I couldn't just talk to him at his place. If I'm alone with someone who is behaving obsessive and they don't like how the conversation is going (can you tone down the creepy for me, please?)...someone who is a lot stronger and might not think rationally...sounds like something could go wrong pretty fast. I hate the stalker talk, but it must be done (even if he didn't reach stalker statis).
With two loved ones...my sister was upset that I haven't been around. She is upset with more than just me not being accessable, but I certainly haven't been helping. I love her so much, but we have been living further and further apart. She lives with my enemies (my parents) and doesn't want to stay at or visit any of the places I'm living (which is understandable as she would come over when I lived with my ex and she hated it). She has school which brings in the homework and she has work and she has her boyfriend...it's hard to fit in. We argued, and it hurt, but we both needed to let our frustrations out (fueled a bit by booze). Everything has been made up for by a good hour long conversation over the phone, and I hope to see her today.
The other one is a huge problem. As in, I don't think this person really likes a damn thing about me now, but still think they love me. "I don't like this and this and this and this....but I love and hope things will get better with you soon." Some of that was never a problem before. Emotionally I have changed when it comes to drinking where as before, they could careless because I was happy drunk. Now I don't know what to do with this whole situation, but I fucking hate it. It is far from over.

I'm exhausted, but I have a full plate today. Rest is for the weak, and that will be my motto until I have successfully completed todays tasks (and I hope that includes making sure every living creature in this place is fed and to make my room liveable again). Then I will sleep until I'm actually useful.
Soon, things will be good.

It Could be Alcohol Induced? Hopefully...

Besides the 2 or three people who know who I am through this blog and the one person who may or may not read it...I feel sorta confident to say this. I let down my "goth" (I'm sure I would be considered emo though I would destroy any emo that came my way. Over priveledged S.O.B.'s) or dark appearance to confess this, but I am drunk. Not the sad drunk that I have been, but more of a rip someone to shreads horny drunk (AH! I miss it!). Here it goes:
For some odd reason, I decided to listen to Good Vibrations by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch ( outside of my pretty girlie friend who likes Glee where they parodied the song). Watching the video of a structually small but muscular man bounce about being all naughty with a lovely figured woman...Well, for some reason I want to jump him. Never have I thought of this. Every Marky Mark movie makes me giggle (almost hysterically) because of the song Good Vibrations. A girl friend of mind has always found him attractive and all I could do was continue giggling. "But he's so silly, playing mister rapper!" It's like that same episode of Glee, I caught the scene where the butch cheerleading coach thinking "I felt something below the waist" (which lead to plenty more giggling from me and from my lovely female friend).
Oh my.
After being stood up at a show where I waited 2.5 hours for someone from my past to show up, after bitching with someone incharge of me making money, after finding out that someone I care about doesn't seem to give two shits on what happens to me, I needed something as awful as this to perk my night up. When I sober up, it will make me laugh so hard to remember that I wrote this, and to read this. Marky Mark started to remind me of some guy I went to high school with some time back. To consider them attractive is almost a nightmare! However, they did look after me like any good boy faced with such a strange girl as I am. "She is like a baby sister to me" kind of thing.

So, embarassing confession of the day out of my system (that is the most tame thing I could ever write, and if you know me, you know how true that is!). On to something more entertaining...

Oooh, pretty clouds!

It looks like it's going to rain! That means I'm going to be hiking to the cheap store (should be about an hours long walk) to get cigarettes. Of course, if it rains, I'll look like a soaked rat by the time I get home. Now I wish I had gumboots still. I used to have some awesome rainbow coloured ones that would fill up with water from my puddle jumping.

Lately I have been feeling crazy. A normal feeling by now, but a feeling that I'm getting sick of. I have been bickering with loved ones and feeling a bitterness towards others. I cannot sleep at night no matter what I do...Actually, that's not true. I have a lovely assortment of sleeping pills but by the time it would be right for me to take them, I don't think about it. Time slips by and before I know it, Coast to Coast am is over and it's 5am. Pretty pointless to go to sleep then, or impossible when I try so I get up and go for a quick run. I did start on my Halloween costume and sewed a hole and reinforced some buttons on a sweater this morning though. Finished reading 1332pg comic book (Bone), watched Slipstream, made pancakes...At least I'm kind of productive. Kinda hard when you don't wish to wake night sleepers.
(I spent several hours the other night making potatoe chips. Experimenting with different flavors. Pickle brine and dillweed=dill chips, vinegar bath and salt, salt bath=plain or salt and pepper. Vinegar chips worked quite well, but I enjoyed the salt and pepper ones. I went to bed after 4.)
The people problem I've been having has been irritating. It's as though I'm just being hostile and deffensive and creating new characters out of these people. "I don't like them because of this reason" or "I've never noticed this before."
Only one person actually deserves my frustration with them. Since I haven't been making time for people (one of those funks where leaving the house is a HUGE issue), this one person wanted to see me before I left town. There are WAY more important people in my life, but according to this person, I HAD to visit them. My last week in town I was trying to keep the stress levels down which lead to drinking which lead to uncontrolable sobbing over whales and animal cruelty and my grandmother and on and on...My last day was spent at work, which I didn't leave until 10pm (photographer for a Women Against Violence Convention). How am I to spend time with someone if I'm at work?! Or if I'm a drunken trainwreck? So this person through a hissy fit because I was in the wrong mood or too busy to spend time with them. "This is goodbye" kind of message was sent to me when I got to my travel destination. Whatever man, that's your choice. Randomly one night (the second last night I was in that city), I recieve a message saying "I still love you" but with a few errors. I didn't recognize the number, oh, how creepy or sad. I assumed it was mistake-ex-#3 and kept calling them by their name. "Don't you know who this is?" (Believe me, it's better if I just write what I decoded from the messages...some people do NOT know how to write coherently) "Why would you hurt me?" I SWORE I knew who it was. Mistake-ex-#3 would say the exact same things if they ever wanted to contact me (actually, all 3 exes) and have the same god awful typos!
So SEVERAL hours later, this person keeps messaging me after I told them to talk to me in person or to fuck off. Don't mystery message someone, claiming to be hurt and making all these wrongful accusations, even feeling like what you say has any importance to the person you are HARASSING other than "dude, seriously, you are annoying the fuck out of me!! Be a grown up or piss off!" I told them I'm not responding to them if they are not going to play by my rules. Eventually, after they were ignored, they informed me of who they were. They weren't clear on how I hurt them and we argued.
So when I get back into town and enjoy being alone at home for a weekend...they contact me later on in the week. We meet up and they get all creepy on me. I'm actually terrified that someone I'm not close with is capable of saying "I missed this, did you know that?" I've had psycho clingy before and it did NOT go over well. I'm terrified of this person (I met them while reading the Collector. Books match some of my reality). I'm furious to have to deal with this again! So they want to hangout again...I'm trying to think of a way to talk to them about this before I'm dead because "Ferdinand" is a sociopath.

Long story and not what I was looking to write. Whatever, I have to get it out of my system somehow. Another problem has been dead things. We have a dead thing that only I can see in full who watches me sometimes (mostly just when I'm alone at night in the house because apparently, if I can't sleep in an empty house, dead thing can watch me sleep to assure me I'm not alone). The couple I live with notice a him to a far lesser degree, so I felt it only fair that I got to name him. His name is Eddie which was pretty random. "Don't fear him, he's here to watch over you." "Really? I noticed that part! Can't he just cross over?! He looks like a rotten body and he just stares at me!" I swear, his frickin' eyelids don't work! His eyes just bulge! I almost started crying the first night I noticed him, he creeped me out so much. Also, there's the part where you feel pretty damn crazy seeing something as clear as day that isn't actually there.

Otherwise, I haven't been too bad. Emotionally, I'm a frickin' unsettled tornado (some goes for mentally). I've been basically happy when left on my own. Wandered around a festival by myself, entertaining myself, studying, cleaning, spending time with kitty. Paying too much attention to the birds and flowers when I should be focusing on where my feet are landing, and at times the traffic, while I'm running. Things aren't so bad.

This is the time where I go and look for something to perk me up so I won't fall asleep and waste the day which might help me get to sleep tonight. Running works, but I've ran twice in the past 8 hours. Scaring myself works...I was trying to shut my mind up, that drowsy feeling started heading my way and because my window was open, when I heard the neighbours leave their place, the sound the door made shot my heart rate up and popped my eyes open. Grr...