*incert title here*

My sleep pattern is warped. Lucky for me my heart doesn't ache when I attempt to shutdown (and that I get more and more of a bed to sleep on the more I put my room back together). I did have a migraine though lastnight. My initial thought was "I'm never going to get to sleep though I'm actually craving it." After trying to position my head so that it made things better (because having my neck bent back in an 'L' shape while my head was in pain wasn't the best idea), shutting my brain down from some stupid song stuck in my head, "listen to the radio, I mean, that's the main reason for me to be up this late so many times before, I don't even know what is going on." That worked, but once my female roomate was up and showering, I was up feeding my cat. Sleep, sleep, sleep...oh so now my nerves are against me?! Am I really that stressed where my mind and body are going to bitch, moan and complain at me?! Or maybe my body was upset that it didn't go running this morning. Hopefully the latter as that can be compensated for.
I did realize though, that I'm stressing myself out over the wrong things. Nothing right now is as bad as I feel I'm making it out to be. I've survived worse and need to suck it up, and get over it. I'm royally messing myself up because of things that don't really matter in the long run. The fact that I slept for essentially 2 hours and woke up unprovoked, goes to show my mind has a set pattern and it is going to continue with it because I have kept up with this pattern for weeks! I even woke up at 1am the other night after catching up on my sleep, just to stay up until after 6, completely unintentionally, but due to my body knowing that it has to be awake during certain hours.
Frustrating, but oh well. I'm now fully awake and capable of having a productive day. Clothing that needs to be donated, important things to be bought, a friend to visit, laundry...dishes...pancakes...reading...packing, organizing my room (the clutter and disorganization makes me antsy).

Oh, and I give up on this little war. The other side wins, I don't care anymore. I made a big deal out of nothing with actual value. My side fought, but didn't understand what it was fighting for. Be honest and live a lie. Be you but not around me. Love but hate everything. It doesn't make a lick of sense, so they get what they fought for. I can be what is asked of me, but you will never see "me" again. I guess that is for the best in itself as you love me but hate everything about me, I can only offer a fake me in order to appease everything you ask of me. I'm going to change all the bad, but on MY terms. I cannot belong to you anymore, I cannot love you, I cannot be ME for you, so this is done. You will absolutely love the new me, though. Never a sign of weakness, everything you want to hear and you will never know what goes on in my heart because you don't belong there anymore.

Oddly, I'm growing quite comfortable with being single but unavailable. Intimate relationships can take over one's life and I feel trapped. I feel trapped if the wrong person spoons me as I act like I'm being suffocated! When someone takes fancy in me, I act as though they are asking me to marry them! All the people who adored me in the past in a way I did not want them to, I made sure to taint or destroy everything between the others and me. Men who submit to me as though I am a queen, women who chase me around...I get into a panic and find away to rid myself of them. Morrissey makes a good role model here. Can't be defined as straight or gay, but he has gone to the extent of not caring really to be sexual. I'm a sexual being, but I wouldn't mind giving it completely up until I can sort my life out and find what I'm looking for.
Strange little rant. It's getting late, I best be leaving.