Oooh, pretty clouds!

It looks like it's going to rain! That means I'm going to be hiking to the cheap store (should be about an hours long walk) to get cigarettes. Of course, if it rains, I'll look like a soaked rat by the time I get home. Now I wish I had gumboots still. I used to have some awesome rainbow coloured ones that would fill up with water from my puddle jumping.

Lately I have been feeling crazy. A normal feeling by now, but a feeling that I'm getting sick of. I have been bickering with loved ones and feeling a bitterness towards others. I cannot sleep at night no matter what I do...Actually, that's not true. I have a lovely assortment of sleeping pills but by the time it would be right for me to take them, I don't think about it. Time slips by and before I know it, Coast to Coast am is over and it's 5am. Pretty pointless to go to sleep then, or impossible when I try so I get up and go for a quick run. I did start on my Halloween costume and sewed a hole and reinforced some buttons on a sweater this morning though. Finished reading 1332pg comic book (Bone), watched Slipstream, made pancakes...At least I'm kind of productive. Kinda hard when you don't wish to wake night sleepers.
(I spent several hours the other night making potatoe chips. Experimenting with different flavors. Pickle brine and dillweed=dill chips, vinegar bath and salt, salt bath=plain or salt and pepper. Vinegar chips worked quite well, but I enjoyed the salt and pepper ones. I went to bed after 4.)
The people problem I've been having has been irritating. It's as though I'm just being hostile and deffensive and creating new characters out of these people. "I don't like them because of this reason" or "I've never noticed this before."
Only one person actually deserves my frustration with them. Since I haven't been making time for people (one of those funks where leaving the house is a HUGE issue), this one person wanted to see me before I left town. There are WAY more important people in my life, but according to this person, I HAD to visit them. My last week in town I was trying to keep the stress levels down which lead to drinking which lead to uncontrolable sobbing over whales and animal cruelty and my grandmother and on and on...My last day was spent at work, which I didn't leave until 10pm (photographer for a Women Against Violence Convention). How am I to spend time with someone if I'm at work?! Or if I'm a drunken trainwreck? So this person through a hissy fit because I was in the wrong mood or too busy to spend time with them. "This is goodbye" kind of message was sent to me when I got to my travel destination. Whatever man, that's your choice. Randomly one night (the second last night I was in that city), I recieve a message saying "I still love you" but with a few errors. I didn't recognize the number, oh, how creepy or sad. I assumed it was mistake-ex-#3 and kept calling them by their name. "Don't you know who this is?" (Believe me, it's better if I just write what I decoded from the messages...some people do NOT know how to write coherently) "Why would you hurt me?" I SWORE I knew who it was. Mistake-ex-#3 would say the exact same things if they ever wanted to contact me (actually, all 3 exes) and have the same god awful typos!
So SEVERAL hours later, this person keeps messaging me after I told them to talk to me in person or to fuck off. Don't mystery message someone, claiming to be hurt and making all these wrongful accusations, even feeling like what you say has any importance to the person you are HARASSING other than "dude, seriously, you are annoying the fuck out of me!! Be a grown up or piss off!" I told them I'm not responding to them if they are not going to play by my rules. Eventually, after they were ignored, they informed me of who they were. They weren't clear on how I hurt them and we argued.
So when I get back into town and enjoy being alone at home for a weekend...they contact me later on in the week. We meet up and they get all creepy on me. I'm actually terrified that someone I'm not close with is capable of saying "I missed this, did you know that?" I've had psycho clingy before and it did NOT go over well. I'm terrified of this person (I met them while reading the Collector. Books match some of my reality). I'm furious to have to deal with this again! So they want to hangout again...I'm trying to think of a way to talk to them about this before I'm dead because "Ferdinand" is a sociopath.

Long story and not what I was looking to write. Whatever, I have to get it out of my system somehow. Another problem has been dead things. We have a dead thing that only I can see in full who watches me sometimes (mostly just when I'm alone at night in the house because apparently, if I can't sleep in an empty house, dead thing can watch me sleep to assure me I'm not alone). The couple I live with notice a him to a far lesser degree, so I felt it only fair that I got to name him. His name is Eddie which was pretty random. "Don't fear him, he's here to watch over you." "Really? I noticed that part! Can't he just cross over?! He looks like a rotten body and he just stares at me!" I swear, his frickin' eyelids don't work! His eyes just bulge! I almost started crying the first night I noticed him, he creeped me out so much. Also, there's the part where you feel pretty damn crazy seeing something as clear as day that isn't actually there.

Otherwise, I haven't been too bad. Emotionally, I'm a frickin' unsettled tornado (some goes for mentally). I've been basically happy when left on my own. Wandered around a festival by myself, entertaining myself, studying, cleaning, spending time with kitty. Paying too much attention to the birds and flowers when I should be focusing on where my feet are landing, and at times the traffic, while I'm running. Things aren't so bad.

This is the time where I go and look for something to perk me up so I won't fall asleep and waste the day which might help me get to sleep tonight. Running works, but I've ran twice in the past 8 hours. Scaring myself works...I was trying to shut my mind up, that drowsy feeling started heading my way and because my window was open, when I heard the neighbours leave their place, the sound the door made shot my heart rate up and popped my eyes open. Grr...