It Hurts to Sleep...
My mind will not allow me to shut down until I'm worn out. I have to use every ounce of energy and then I crash hard. To bad I sleep during the afternoon when I should be sleeping at night. My perfect sleep schedule for when I'm old and retired (which will never happen by the looks of it). If it wasn't the strangers who knock on windows in the middle of the freaking night (which I'm supposed to treat as normal and non-threatening), sending my heart into a panic, or my cat assaulting me when I attempt to sleep. Or thinking, thinking, thinking, the endless thinking about everything. Or Eddie.
Now I lie down and my heart feels sick, my mind makes it worse. I have to distract myself by making up a dream and attempting to run with it, which rarely works now. I listen to things that would haunt my mind when I was younger. They are entertaining, distracting, but not even capable of giving me fear to sleep in my roomates bed (which would probably allow me the rest I need to fix this schedule without sleeping pills).
I started something which has made things worse. This hole is fucking deep and it's time to find a way to the surface. This is why I go numb. This is why I torture myself. This is why I let it build up inside of me and explode when no one is watching. I have people I love and care about again which makes things hard because I feel I let them down. I sit and wait for them to leave or push me away because it's only history repeating itself. I'm too much to handle, like a bratty child who destroys everything in my path or I'm embarassing or I'm travelling a path they do not wish to see me follow. I've replaced bad habits with different bad habits.
So I realize I can't rely on myself to make me better. I want to. It seems like the strong thing to do. To overcome challenges like a big girl, to get stronger all on my own. Yeah, it seems easy when thought out, while putting into practice is a much greater challenge. Trying to help others when I can barely stand on my own (figuratively speaking of course).
I'm a happier person to be around in the right company, or when I have found a good distraction. I can't say that every second of everyday I'm as miserable as I was, because I'm not in that same hole. I enjoy what is around me, I enjoy creating things, I enjoy spending time with the people in my life now. The problem went from issues with the place I'm living in (due to some white trash men, and the clutter), attempting to mourn, financial and job issues to full blown arguements with two people I care about, family issues, and having to talk someone out of not being so obsessive (the guy in the last post).
The guy in the last post...that was an interesting situation all on it's own. I felt uncomfortable. I talked to my male roomate about the situation and he started suggesting this could be a more serious issue than I was assuming. So I contacted this guy and asked for him to meet me in a public place, and he started getting frustrated with why I couldn't just talk to him at his place. If I'm alone with someone who is behaving obsessive and they don't like how the conversation is going (can you tone down the creepy for me, please?)...someone who is a lot stronger and might not think rationally...sounds like something could go wrong pretty fast. I hate the stalker talk, but it must be done (even if he didn't reach stalker statis).
With two loved ones...my sister was upset that I haven't been around. She is upset with more than just me not being accessable, but I certainly haven't been helping. I love her so much, but we have been living further and further apart. She lives with my enemies (my parents) and doesn't want to stay at or visit any of the places I'm living (which is understandable as she would come over when I lived with my ex and she hated it). She has school which brings in the homework and she has work and she has her boyfriend...it's hard to fit in. We argued, and it hurt, but we both needed to let our frustrations out (fueled a bit by booze). Everything has been made up for by a good hour long conversation over the phone, and I hope to see her today.
The other one is a huge problem. As in, I don't think this person really likes a damn thing about me now, but still think they love me. "I don't like this and this and this and this....but I love and hope things will get better with you soon." Some of that was never a problem before. Emotionally I have changed when it comes to drinking where as before, they could careless because I was happy drunk. Now I don't know what to do with this whole situation, but I fucking hate it. It is far from over.
I'm exhausted, but I have a full plate today. Rest is for the weak, and that will be my motto until I have successfully completed todays tasks (and I hope that includes making sure every living creature in this place is fed and to make my room liveable again). Then I will sleep until I'm actually useful.
Soon, things will be good.
Now I lie down and my heart feels sick, my mind makes it worse. I have to distract myself by making up a dream and attempting to run with it, which rarely works now. I listen to things that would haunt my mind when I was younger. They are entertaining, distracting, but not even capable of giving me fear to sleep in my roomates bed (which would probably allow me the rest I need to fix this schedule without sleeping pills).
I started something which has made things worse. This hole is fucking deep and it's time to find a way to the surface. This is why I go numb. This is why I torture myself. This is why I let it build up inside of me and explode when no one is watching. I have people I love and care about again which makes things hard because I feel I let them down. I sit and wait for them to leave or push me away because it's only history repeating itself. I'm too much to handle, like a bratty child who destroys everything in my path or I'm embarassing or I'm travelling a path they do not wish to see me follow. I've replaced bad habits with different bad habits.
So I realize I can't rely on myself to make me better. I want to. It seems like the strong thing to do. To overcome challenges like a big girl, to get stronger all on my own. Yeah, it seems easy when thought out, while putting into practice is a much greater challenge. Trying to help others when I can barely stand on my own (figuratively speaking of course).
I'm a happier person to be around in the right company, or when I have found a good distraction. I can't say that every second of everyday I'm as miserable as I was, because I'm not in that same hole. I enjoy what is around me, I enjoy creating things, I enjoy spending time with the people in my life now. The problem went from issues with the place I'm living in (due to some white trash men, and the clutter), attempting to mourn, financial and job issues to full blown arguements with two people I care about, family issues, and having to talk someone out of not being so obsessive (the guy in the last post).
The guy in the last post...that was an interesting situation all on it's own. I felt uncomfortable. I talked to my male roomate about the situation and he started suggesting this could be a more serious issue than I was assuming. So I contacted this guy and asked for him to meet me in a public place, and he started getting frustrated with why I couldn't just talk to him at his place. If I'm alone with someone who is behaving obsessive and they don't like how the conversation is going (can you tone down the creepy for me, please?)...someone who is a lot stronger and might not think rationally...sounds like something could go wrong pretty fast. I hate the stalker talk, but it must be done (even if he didn't reach stalker statis).
With two loved ones...my sister was upset that I haven't been around. She is upset with more than just me not being accessable, but I certainly haven't been helping. I love her so much, but we have been living further and further apart. She lives with my enemies (my parents) and doesn't want to stay at or visit any of the places I'm living (which is understandable as she would come over when I lived with my ex and she hated it). She has school which brings in the homework and she has work and she has her boyfriend...it's hard to fit in. We argued, and it hurt, but we both needed to let our frustrations out (fueled a bit by booze). Everything has been made up for by a good hour long conversation over the phone, and I hope to see her today.
The other one is a huge problem. As in, I don't think this person really likes a damn thing about me now, but still think they love me. "I don't like this and this and this and this....but I love and hope things will get better with you soon." Some of that was never a problem before. Emotionally I have changed when it comes to drinking where as before, they could careless because I was happy drunk. Now I don't know what to do with this whole situation, but I fucking hate it. It is far from over.
I'm exhausted, but I have a full plate today. Rest is for the weak, and that will be my motto until I have successfully completed todays tasks (and I hope that includes making sure every living creature in this place is fed and to make my room liveable again). Then I will sleep until I'm actually useful.
Soon, things will be good.
posted by Nico | 07:31
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