That Old Feeling...

At a social gathering with some old friends, I saw him. Due to everyone keeping us FAR away from each other for so long, it was such a strange night as that's the longest we have been together in years. Everyone was more uncomfortable with the situation than I was. Yes, it was a nightmare in the eyes of everyone around us when things started to fall apart. There were fewer and fewer good moments between us and everyone tried so hard to get us to stay apart without falling apart. An enemy actually decided to be buddy buddy with me a couple times and basically forgave and accepted me for what happened (as I was the Hell spawn in his eyes). He realized I wasn't actually as evil as I was portrayed.
Everyone treated me like I disapeared off the face of the Earth and were so surprised and happy to see me. They also treated him like shit. It actually bothered me and I couldn't join them. You realize I loved this person with all my heart. He was my bestfriend and there is apart of me that is him, that belongs to him. I can't watch him fall apart and feel nothing. I can't laugh at him when he makes an ass out of himself. I've been my own trainwreck and would hate to think people would say horrible things about me when I obviously need help and a friend.
The next day on my bus ride out of town, I contacted him via text. I'm not surprised I know his number still, he forgot mine. I wanted to just let him know I wasn't pleased with what he was doing to himself. We got to talking, which is the longest conversation we have had in years (we barely talked at the party). It made me wish I gave him a hug before I left with someone he considered a threat to our what-you-may-call-it relationship in the past. It would have meant a lot and would have shown that I still gave a damn. There are times I have thought of getting back together, usually when I'm really lonely. That will never happen if he's going to be a drunk the rest of his life, if he is still emotioanlly unstable and jealous. The man I originally fell in love with, doesn't exist. He's a shell and it hurts. I want to see him better so he can actually have a life.

I did spend two nights in a row, snuggled up to previously mentioned threat. This person has become one of my closest friends (something the girls at the party no longer live up to). We both are lonely which makes sense as to why naked and alcohol didn't even end in sex. It was nice to just have someone there who cares. We made our peace with the fact that we both want different things and never considered botching what we have.
It is just nice to feel less alone sometimes.