"I'm still fond of you..."

We talked for just over an hour in the middle of the night...and I still desire you. No real attachments as I warned myself from the get go that nothing with come out of it. However, I can still get excited around you and enjoy the way you make me feel until I can replace you.
(Though I think you are one of the very few who could possibly tame me...)

Last night was fucked up. I met up with one of my best friends buddies to get my bathing top back. Cute (and for a stranger, it was strange to get a hug out of him...). I went to pre-drink at this pub which has become a new favorite spot for me. Left feeling good.
Drunk swinging is more entertaining than sober swinging (and I mean at an outdoor park swing by myself...Otherwise, I would think the adult use for a swing would be WAY more amusing and I'm not fond of "Swinging.").
On the way to go see my buddies show, I had a man sit and talk with me (and I swear everytime I go alone to meet this one band, a guy tells me how beautiful my eyes are). He was only the begining. Another guy who played an amusing trick on himself with his cigarettes (they were in his hand as he looked all over for them) had a chat with me (I probably made him feel old).
Some guy talked to me when I waiting at the bar for my booze. I went out for a smoke and yet another male (just a lot older) who I smoked gonja with (he gave me the roach and I was flying the rest of the night).
Then the second band had the bassist chatting with me. He was trying to make me enjoy myself as I apparently looked bored (tho I was really baked and my jealous friend was sitting right next to me). Mr. Bassist made me feel really giddy and sort of uncomfortable as it was obvious he was talking while he was on stage playing his set (free booze and a shirt).
I had my jealous buddy follow me around and he was fairly touchy as to scare away others. Oddly enough, I didn't ask him to do that. I felt uncomfortable talking to the other people I consider friends because of Mr. Jealous. If I ignore him, it makes for a really bad night. Being too afraid to talk to my own friends because of not wanting to hurt another friend is fucked up. I had a hard time explaining that to Mr. Bassist after the show was done because it doesn't even make sense to me. I was happy to get home and not have to deal with that bullshit anymore.

My night ended very nicely (though it could have been a bit better).
So I'm thinking last nights odd magnitism had something to do with the special bodily functions of being female. Generally that is such a time when a female dresses more provocatively...So now I'm more confused as I was wearing blue jeans, a black tank over a ripped up black dress (and hoodies when needed). Oooh, pink bra straps made a slight appearance and if that screams sex, then I guess I'm guilty...

Honestly, I never thought my life would be like this without my ex. I can say that I'm so much happier and WAY better off without him. With him still holding me down I wouldn't have had so many different experiences (and I probably wouldn't have a social life and would still be slowly killing myself). I love the people I can call friends, I can appreciate myself more and I love being happy.
When I'm upset, it's out of bordom or a few stupid males who think I'm happy to call them friend while they butcher me even wanting to be around them (I think I have the right to choose who I have sex with and who I want to be with...at least I swore someone told me that I have that choice...or am I completely wrong).
Sunday is going to bother me as I will be questioned again as to why I'm not into Mr. Jealous. He will casually touch me and I will know that it will be a long, uncomfortable night. He will make me feel like shit because I fear telling him the truth and I feel guilty because I can't like him the way he likes me. He does nice things for me and I have nothing to give back to him. Last night he gave me a ride, I hugged him goodbye (as I do for all my friends...) and he left his arm around my shoulders (and I quickly slipped out of his car).
I like it when people are blunt with me, but it is REALLY difficult to be blunt with others. Whenever I try to, I feel like the bad guy. I have made guys cry and I won't shed a tear...that was how things went the last time I talked with both of my exes. The big bad ex and I are kept apart quite well. My recent mock-relationship and I still cuddle (but I avoid giving him the wrong impression. We fill each others need for affection minus kissing and fucking which works for me...not so much for him as he almost dropped an L-bomb on me).
Maybe I'll grow some temporary gonads...

I need a job...*sigh*

Sorry hun, I would rather drink.

Another night, another guy, another sexual proposition. At least his intentions were clear and things were fine by me (I know he was hoping for more than his crush who's outfit was inspired by Joan Jett to seductively move around the pool table). There are several reasons I can't go through with it.
1. I'm not interested in him (and his lack of enthusiasm when he plays with his band on stage makes it seem like he will look bored in bed...that's not a turn-on).
2. If I did go through with it, then I further reinforce the groupie status I have created for myself (I'm either a groupie or a mistress in my sex life...though that sounds horrible, at least I know who I've slept with...just in this situation, 3 more and I can say I've had the band so no thanks).
3. He may have said no strings attatched but he is extremely jealous which turns me away from him (and he can't admit to it). I went to talk to a buddy who called me while we were out (and it was sort of late) and I went somewhere where I could hear him. It was like getting a call from a giddy schoolgirl because he kept laughing so by the time I got back to my other buddy (who had 2 others to talk to) I was giggling myself and just passed on a message. Then I was bombarded with: "WHO WERE YOU TALKING TO? WHY IS HE CALLING SO LATE!" That's what everyone does, but thank you for over reacting.
4. Again with the no strings attatched, I think that he would make himself ill if he even saw me hugging another man if I went through with it. I'm not going to change for someone who I prefer to keep in the friend box.
And I can't even tell him this as he doesn't understand how he reacts...and I don't need that shit from someone I owe nothing to.

One of these days I'll have a job...which is funny because everyone is so deparate for workers but most places are too picky for their own good and they just screw themselves over. One HMV hiring manager just hires people who like the same music as him...that is fucked, but I'm not surprised and he isn't the only one (I just found that out from my sister).

I have gifts to embrace and I fear them.

(5. I'm getting bored with men. They are just easy and I guess they make good friends.)

I ought to slap you!

Off and on my thoughts have been just me dwelling on bullshit. I have decided, tho, that the next fucker to ignore me when I'm saying no or pushing away from him is going to get a fist to the face. Might help him clear his head. Honestly, my boundaries are crossed all too often. At a buddies house party things got sour with two men. One won't forget me because he's marked up and another defended me and slipped a hand down my pants when we were crashing on the same couch later in the night(he was pretty fucked up and did get the hint as I tried embarassing him).
(I think that night I bothered the buddy who invited me over as he left the room which was full of people when he thought I was getting intimate...)
This idea to use violence to stop a situation from getting anymore sour obviously has to be with the right person or with other people to back me up. Obviously I would be screwed otherwise. The last (and probably the first) time I punched someone in the face, he tried attacking me...he was totally asking for it though as he got another one later in the night from one of my buddies. It's really sad that I have reached the point where I feel the need to hurt someone to get my point across (as I have learned that most people don't listen to anything that I say). Can't opposite genders hangout without having any sexual implications?

New subject...
I've given up on a lot of people because of a matter I do not understand. Life is too short and I'm sick of being miserable so grow-up I shall. That doesn't imply that I'm going to be a giddy bore. Fuck that! That isn't me. I have to do something to keep me sane before I consider going back on meds (I hated meds, though they did make suicide sound amazing). When the chaos gets too out of hand I lose more and more of reality until I get into a paranoid schitzophrenic funk where everyone is against me and so on. I'm learning to talk myself out of those which is why I haven't attempted suicide yet (I only cut myself because I couldn't cry and I really needed to do something because I don't know who to go to anymore. That's probably why I've been writing on here more. Easier than my notebook).

Wow, I've only drank one night this week. I didn't smoke today or monday or any day I don't leave the house. I smoked weed...once this week (though I don't really get too much into that as I want to still be mentally there or even awake). I've been pretty depressed and yet I've been good and that accounts for nothing in anyone's mind. Hmm...so I guess I would be doing this for myself. Aw...how sweet...fucking egotist! Haha...Oh boy, then when things get crazy I'll either be a lightweight or I'll be tough as bricks and outlast everyone.

Right now is a bad time to be lost. However, I do enjoy this little quote I found while wandering around the city: "we really are lost, but we still have a chance." I may not need to find peace in a religion with promises of an afterlife, but I do need hope that everything will get better while I'm alive (even if it's a lie and I die tomorrow, it's just nice to think that no matter how much I screw up, something good isn't completely out of reach).

Waiting...and waiting...and waiting for a phonecall. Perferably from a company that will hire me (so I can just get the interview and crap done with, without having to wait for another person to call me). I'm contemplating a job that works nights as it would give me no chance to have a social life. The only problem with that would be making waste of the social skills I have finally gained.

I've been so braindead for so long that I decided to get me some inspiration. I ended up buying a copy of Ad Busters and Psychology Today...Something will come to mind and I will stop caring about stupid things...and oh my god, that pack of gum smells like weed! How odd...Maybe I'm just delirious...
Oh well...Oooh, I might get to go houseboating if I can get a job. I don't actually know how to respond to that...one of the guys going suggested I join and I'm thinking "have you seen my face? Have you not noticed me reading a comic book and my body language screaming discomfort?" Other than that guy, I was with my bestfriend, another girl I know and another guy...I don't see why I would be THAT uncomfortable if I really don't care what most people think of me.

Uhg...I can't wait to just have a job and someone perfect for me (and not by what people would think would be right for me as that tends to be a really poor assumption). Just keep reminding yourself: everything will be fine, just breathe...

Can't wash this dirty feeling away...

I have the luck of the draw when it comes to the worst men to know. Interesting story too...so I recieved a call expecting it would be the angel in my dreams to realize I roped myself into a nightmare. Get some booze into this so-called "friend" and the word "no" doesn't exist in his mind. He has adored me since he has met me and continuously attempts to sway me his way. Sitting in a pub across from each other, things are fine. After a trip to the lu, he sits next to me, arm around me and WAY too close for comfort. Apparently threatening to punch him in the face is no real threat (because leaving him is much worse because then he can no longer "work his magic" on me). After several attempts to get cuddlie and work in some kisses (which I backed away from before his lips could touch me), I lead him to the train, barely talking to him, and not bothering to look at him.
I should have known by now that being defensive is a waste of time. Great way to feel suffercated when I'm already down and out.

For the first time this year, I cut myself. If my friends are only going to ignore me or ignore my boundaries, then I'm going to hurt myself. Same damn thing, different people. I feel so alone and I would kill to feel good again. Nothing feels as good as sincere happiness.
(the funny part is, I lied about being taken. I told him I had a boyfriend and it was impossible for him to respect my requests. That really hurts...)

Two weeks and all will be better...just two more weeks...(I would have been better off alone in my room this evening.)

Big Meat Eater?

So I'm guessing you will NEVER guess the title of my crazy, twighlight movie (aliens, meat, Devo: read last entry)! It's a Canadian movie from the 80's called (drum-roll please...) "Big Meat Eater." Apparently I was capable of falling along anyway...

I hate looking for jobs. I nearly had a heartattack dropping of a resume at the most convienent, well-paying job for me (as it is a 7 minute walk from home and $14 with a raise every 3 months...and I believe a buddy of mine is working there...I think she is still my buddy...). I think I enjoy sending resumes over the internet instead. I just want them to call me tomorrow, interview me and have me working for them by Thursday (my friend had that luck, and I also gave her the push to leave her last job).
Oh and I REALLY hate the girl who was going to have this awesome job for me that I would have started last tuesday (as she informed me late last tuesday night that a "friend robbed her blind" as she has been traveling since the weekend. Makes you think...LYING BACKSTABBING BITCH!). She get's kicked in the ass every so often and I laugh like a little sadist because I feel like karma is actually stepping in for once (as I have a problems believing it, but hearing her misery, makes me more of a believer. Sounds bad on my part, however, if you knew her, you would understand).

So...I hate still being alone...Though I still need to find myself and that right person. My best friend laughed when I said that I need someone to tame me and told me flat out that she doesn't think that person exists. That kinda hurt. I'm sure they exist, I just have to look in the right places. I think I attract crazy, and I can't handle anymore crazy than my own self. Ooh, it would be like a sitcom to find someone down-to-earth. The adventures of Vanilla and Rainbow! "Vanilla, let's go get wasted and streak around the block. It will be a race!" "No rainbow. You can, however, I do not feel like that is my sort of activity. Let me check the piggy bank to see if there's enough to bail you out of the police get involved." "Aw, you're always looking out for me. Kisses!" "If it wasn't for the sex, I would feel like I was more of a parental figure than anything else."

I went into MacNally Robinson today and nearly broke down crying. It doesn't even look like a bookstore as most of it was closed down and EVERYTHING is 40% off. No more Prairie Ink Cafe, or awesome discounted books, or an amazing selection of books (better selection than Chapters ever will have). I don't really think there was a time that I left that store without buying something. First the Castle and Now MacNally Robinson...What a shitty year for enjoying a trip downtown. I found the SCUM Manifesto there! Fucking city...it costs way to much to live in this stupid place. :(
So I was planning to buy as much as I could regardless of my current lack of work. I ended up with only a copy of Short Bus (for my sister), a travel book for Amsterdam, a Harry Houdini card and 2 buttons (which was just over $25 which makes me want to run back and grab whatever caught my eye).

I found a trick to ending my own feelings of worthlessness and bordom...don't wait around for others to call, do it first. I have filled my nights from Wednesday to Friday this week and I just have to get through this miserable night alone. Maybe one of the people down the hill will give me a ring for once and I can stop feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe I can actually be creative for once (I think that would be WAY more satisfying as I feel like I've been wasting my mind. No inspiration). Ooh, that would be exciting! Now I need to find a spark to light my creative fire...

Can you breathe at this altitude? I'm dying!

I am not too fond of the excessive amounts of chaos in my life. One moment, everything is calm to the point of bordom. I turn the corner and my friends are dying in my dreams (one of which was apparently found blue in a hotel room by a maid and was revived...), very spicy sex stories (starring myself and not told to anyone), and problems coming out the wa-zoo.
Worker's Comp was an interesting break in itself. I missed my co-worker's and found myself getting mischievious. One of the physio-therapists told me I was in the wrong type of labour for my physique (as I had developed tedonitis...still an issue to this day). So after my job screwed around my friends and I, well...I left and interesting note to explain why I was not coming back.

Still jobless...bored out of my freakin' skull and wondering what the imaginary me did last wednesday. Apparently I was somewhere that I wasn't and telling me what my imaginary self did would ruin the trust of two friends. There is so much wrong with that that I cannot express how confused I am. Now NO ONE is talking to me and I have NO FUCKING CLUE as to why ("Just call him." Ok, well if I call him anymore times, I swear he's going to think I'm trying to stalk him or that I'm obsessive...maybe he would have liked that before I was told that he didn't care where I was. This coming from my short fling who was hoping I would "come around" as he was torn that I wasn't going to be his anymore).

I'm soooo lost by this movie that is on the telie at 4:58 in the morning. A gigantic black guy is man-handling this assortment of meats singing about how he's a "big-meat-eater" as a traditional looking woman in this shop is starting to look aroused as she slightly adjusts the clothing around her neck.
Now I think the Big-Meat-Eater is going to meat cleaver the (Woody Allen look-alike) shop owner into product (or supper as he only played with the meat and didn't get to eat it...).
Oh...here it comes! The freezer...evil grins, a surprise...Oh that sucked my metaphorical balls big time! He tried strangling him with a line of sausage and it snapped...
So poisonous gas, murder, sing-song in the meat shop (with a side-order of attempted murder by a hypnotized nutcase), and now an early model for the Fonze is taking a girl who looks like the main character in Hairspray out on a date...
As you can tell, I'm easily distracted...and now there are these cute little inter-spacial robots stalking a burgler...WOW! This movie has everything!
Aw, poor Fonze didn't get any because Hairspray girlie's pa is coughing up a lung in the back seat of his car...
Dude...what the fuck...a guy just climbed out of a berlap sack in the meat locker and is singing...in a way this reminds me of Phantom of the Paradise and Shock Treatment; crazy-ass musicals that no one has heard of because they are strange and hard to follow. My life is a forgotten cult movie that makes no sense and happens to be very stange...
Devo totally stars in this film...if you were watching, you would understand...

Uhg, job-hunting...in the end, it will all be worth it. I have decided not to sleep so I can actually be up at a decent time to accomplish something with my day (Oooh, but I did hook up a printer and got myself 9 resumes...and I guess caught up on some much needed sleep). So now I contemplate making mashed potatoes, and writing out a map of my day. I make plans and have stopped leaving the house instead...heat or not, I can't sit around growing useless anymore.

5:20am and it's already 15 degrees...heehee, and the guy being interviewed on the weather channel has Krell as his lastname (I doubt many people will understand that, but I laugh).

So I think now would be a good time to get started with my day.
Good Tie...*snikker snikker*