I ought to slap you!

Off and on my thoughts have been just me dwelling on bullshit. I have decided, tho, that the next fucker to ignore me when I'm saying no or pushing away from him is going to get a fist to the face. Might help him clear his head. Honestly, my boundaries are crossed all too often. At a buddies house party things got sour with two men. One won't forget me because he's marked up and another defended me and slipped a hand down my pants when we were crashing on the same couch later in the night(he was pretty fucked up and did get the hint as I tried embarassing him).
(I think that night I bothered the buddy who invited me over as he left the room which was full of people when he thought I was getting intimate...)
This idea to use violence to stop a situation from getting anymore sour obviously has to be with the right person or with other people to back me up. Obviously I would be screwed otherwise. The last (and probably the first) time I punched someone in the face, he tried attacking me...he was totally asking for it though as he got another one later in the night from one of my buddies. It's really sad that I have reached the point where I feel the need to hurt someone to get my point across (as I have learned that most people don't listen to anything that I say). Can't opposite genders hangout without having any sexual implications?

New subject...
I've given up on a lot of people because of a matter I do not understand. Life is too short and I'm sick of being miserable so grow-up I shall. That doesn't imply that I'm going to be a giddy bore. Fuck that! That isn't me. I have to do something to keep me sane before I consider going back on meds (I hated meds, though they did make suicide sound amazing). When the chaos gets too out of hand I lose more and more of reality until I get into a paranoid schitzophrenic funk where everyone is against me and so on. I'm learning to talk myself out of those which is why I haven't attempted suicide yet (I only cut myself because I couldn't cry and I really needed to do something because I don't know who to go to anymore. That's probably why I've been writing on here more. Easier than my notebook).

Wow, I've only drank one night this week. I didn't smoke today or monday or any day I don't leave the house. I smoked weed...once this week (though I don't really get too much into that as I want to still be mentally there or even awake). I've been pretty depressed and yet I've been good and that accounts for nothing in anyone's mind. Hmm...so I guess I would be doing this for myself. Aw...how sweet...fucking egotist! Haha...Oh boy, then when things get crazy I'll either be a lightweight or I'll be tough as bricks and outlast everyone.

Right now is a bad time to be lost. However, I do enjoy this little quote I found while wandering around the city: "we really are lost, but we still have a chance." I may not need to find peace in a religion with promises of an afterlife, but I do need hope that everything will get better while I'm alive (even if it's a lie and I die tomorrow, it's just nice to think that no matter how much I screw up, something good isn't completely out of reach).

Waiting...and waiting...and waiting for a phonecall. Perferably from a company that will hire me (so I can just get the interview and crap done with, without having to wait for another person to call me). I'm contemplating a job that works nights as it would give me no chance to have a social life. The only problem with that would be making waste of the social skills I have finally gained.

I've been so braindead for so long that I decided to get me some inspiration. I ended up buying a copy of Ad Busters and Psychology Today...Something will come to mind and I will stop caring about stupid things...and oh my god, that pack of gum smells like weed! How odd...Maybe I'm just delirious...
Oh well...Oooh, I might get to go houseboating if I can get a job. I don't actually know how to respond to that...one of the guys going suggested I join and I'm thinking "have you seen my face? Have you not noticed me reading a comic book and my body language screaming discomfort?" Other than that guy, I was with my bestfriend, another girl I know and another guy...I don't see why I would be THAT uncomfortable if I really don't care what most people think of me.

Uhg...I can't wait to just have a job and someone perfect for me (and not by what people would think would be right for me as that tends to be a really poor assumption). Just keep reminding yourself: everything will be fine, just breathe...