"I'm still fond of you..."

We talked for just over an hour in the middle of the night...and I still desire you. No real attachments as I warned myself from the get go that nothing with come out of it. However, I can still get excited around you and enjoy the way you make me feel until I can replace you.
(Though I think you are one of the very few who could possibly tame me...)

Last night was fucked up. I met up with one of my best friends buddies to get my bathing top back. Cute (and for a stranger, it was strange to get a hug out of him...). I went to pre-drink at this pub which has become a new favorite spot for me. Left feeling good.
Drunk swinging is more entertaining than sober swinging (and I mean at an outdoor park swing by myself...Otherwise, I would think the adult use for a swing would be WAY more amusing and I'm not fond of "Swinging.").
On the way to go see my buddies show, I had a man sit and talk with me (and I swear everytime I go alone to meet this one band, a guy tells me how beautiful my eyes are). He was only the begining. Another guy who played an amusing trick on himself with his cigarettes (they were in his hand as he looked all over for them) had a chat with me (I probably made him feel old).
Some guy talked to me when I waiting at the bar for my booze. I went out for a smoke and yet another male (just a lot older) who I smoked gonja with (he gave me the roach and I was flying the rest of the night).
Then the second band had the bassist chatting with me. He was trying to make me enjoy myself as I apparently looked bored (tho I was really baked and my jealous friend was sitting right next to me). Mr. Bassist made me feel really giddy and sort of uncomfortable as it was obvious he was talking while he was on stage playing his set (free booze and a shirt).
I had my jealous buddy follow me around and he was fairly touchy as to scare away others. Oddly enough, I didn't ask him to do that. I felt uncomfortable talking to the other people I consider friends because of Mr. Jealous. If I ignore him, it makes for a really bad night. Being too afraid to talk to my own friends because of not wanting to hurt another friend is fucked up. I had a hard time explaining that to Mr. Bassist after the show was done because it doesn't even make sense to me. I was happy to get home and not have to deal with that bullshit anymore.

My night ended very nicely (though it could have been a bit better).
So I'm thinking last nights odd magnitism had something to do with the special bodily functions of being female. Generally that is such a time when a female dresses more provocatively...So now I'm more confused as I was wearing blue jeans, a black tank over a ripped up black dress (and hoodies when needed). Oooh, pink bra straps made a slight appearance and if that screams sex, then I guess I'm guilty...

Honestly, I never thought my life would be like this without my ex. I can say that I'm so much happier and WAY better off without him. With him still holding me down I wouldn't have had so many different experiences (and I probably wouldn't have a social life and would still be slowly killing myself). I love the people I can call friends, I can appreciate myself more and I love being happy.
When I'm upset, it's out of bordom or a few stupid males who think I'm happy to call them friend while they butcher me even wanting to be around them (I think I have the right to choose who I have sex with and who I want to be with...at least I swore someone told me that I have that choice...or am I completely wrong).
Sunday is going to bother me as I will be questioned again as to why I'm not into Mr. Jealous. He will casually touch me and I will know that it will be a long, uncomfortable night. He will make me feel like shit because I fear telling him the truth and I feel guilty because I can't like him the way he likes me. He does nice things for me and I have nothing to give back to him. Last night he gave me a ride, I hugged him goodbye (as I do for all my friends...) and he left his arm around my shoulders (and I quickly slipped out of his car).
I like it when people are blunt with me, but it is REALLY difficult to be blunt with others. Whenever I try to, I feel like the bad guy. I have made guys cry and I won't shed a tear...that was how things went the last time I talked with both of my exes. The big bad ex and I are kept apart quite well. My recent mock-relationship and I still cuddle (but I avoid giving him the wrong impression. We fill each others need for affection minus kissing and fucking which works for me...not so much for him as he almost dropped an L-bomb on me).
Maybe I'll grow some temporary gonads...

I need a job...*sigh*