Make up your fucking mind!!

I am drained. I was so happy yesterday and the night before. Dancing around, singing and not feeling bad at all. He came over and we went to my uncle's party...eventually. Both of us drank, but since I can't take anything down (not even food), I had a stomach ache. Alcohol and coca-cola are drinks I can't indulge in (on a one drink a month basis). Ulcer?
Well we came back to my place after an hour (I think that's how long we were there) and sat infront of the tv. Eventually I got to massaging him as I had promised but since my spirit was blown I didn't feel like lighting the candles to set a more relaxing mood. Added some lotion and gave him a nice long massage (45 mins?...and he wanted me to massage his front which got him moving and breathing in a way I have to avoid).
Of course I can't do anything nice for him without Mr. Penis wanting to voice his opinion. I decided to act oblivious and stare at the television (no temptation that way) but he kept staring at me. Eventually I turned off the tv and turned over to go to sleep. I thought there was something wrong with him and finally decided to hug him. Hugs can make someone feel better. It made me feel better until he said he didn't mind me touching him. I hugged him...he hands travelled...eventually he pulled me on him. He is sexually attracted to me which saddens me. Sex has lead to nothing good. It used to be something so wonderful which made me feel like I had someone I could share my emotions and body with. Now I don't know how to feel towards it.
I am always a foolish girl and ofcourse I caved because the things he was doing to me felt so good. No sex, just gave him no choice but to come and end things there. I want something from him doesn't want to give me anymore. I would love to have someone to curl up next to, to kiss and hold. I can go without sex if there is nothing else to it. If he was in love with me, Hell, I would feel a lot better right now. How can he still go on with himself after fooling around with his ex? Does he have to balls to tell her (Ha! And lose Miss Happy-Go-Lucky?)? I can see him dragging her down no matter how happy she is.
So I'm sick of my obsession over someone who wants my body but can't stand to hear out my mind. It's like I'm addicted to having someone I love treat me like shit. Why do I still have hope for something he wants to erase? Stupid girl.