Drown The Happy Clown!

Upon my voyage of attempting to get better I have realized something. I can't live with my sister. She is an all around energy blow. She will insult you or find a way to make you feel degraded with sarcasm and her own "pain." She isn't really troubled in anyway. Average teenage emotional issues and the never ending want to fit in. She is having friend problems...at least she has friends ( and more then you can fit on all 4 fingers on one hand. I don't know if I can fill even a hand). I have had to repair my friendships with my 2 friends from high school...then there is him. All in all, I sat alone majority of my school years because I don't attract people to well. I never really could relate to any one I could call a friend (except my ex male...we have our own compatable brain waves it seems). All she really has are emotional issues and issues with her appearance, and believe me, she doesn't care to get better. I have told her the many stories of parts of my life which has shocked her (and if it can shock someone who believes so much is wrong with them, then who really has the bigger metaphorical penis here?). Her life is really tame and easy. I know everything that is wrong with her and she will never bring it to herself to admit to any of it. I will admit that I have allowed myself to become troubled for various reasons. I liked scaring people in some sense, but that is when I need to talk (I will only tell friends my probblems) which lead to watching the horror on their faces and having them clueless on how to help me. I have allowed things to build up or get in the way of my life. She likes to complain it seems. That is all she does. She can't find anything good in herself because she never looks. I have made lists of the good in me and those I love so I know what to appreciate about my life. It has actually helped me out and has brought a smile to my face. Really, I have created my own form of therapy that has been working for me. When I need to cry, I will let it all out. I look for things to make me feel better and it has been working. I have only locked myself in a bathroom stall at work 1 day this week. I have still been sad deep in my heart trying to accept all these changes in my life (losing him being the biggest), but I have allowed good things in. Nothing has to be this big sunshiny day (I love the rain so a dark gloomy cloud is a bad comparison to explain the bad in my life. I would love to have it rain out or to get to walk in a misty day instead of being locked in a building until the sun comes out, also I burn so easily...).
Getting onto the reason why I can't live with my sister is because she will never admit to having a problem outside of "depression" (CRAZY TEENAGE HORMONES!!) and will never put the effort into getting better. Even if I talked to her (she doesn't listen. It's a good life speach to a brick wall who throws insults and negitivity back at you), she wouldn't take anything into consideration...and then she would bitch about her life and I will feel horrible for trying to help her and have her not bothering to listen. He had problems with trying to reach out and help me. I did try listening to him once when it was close to a year in our what-you-may-call-it relationship, but when caved to weakness he made things worse. He called me a quiter and said I would never get better because I buckled under pain. I really did want to give this "coping" methood up for him because I loved him so much and he kissed me and said he wished I would stop it. He has caved many times before and I never really made him feel bad by telling him he was a quitter until I put in so much hope for a year and a half for him with no progress. He didn't fully give up on me and asked for so much of me. I wanted to stop all my problems for him and it seems that not until you lose a person is when you decide to fix things. I wish that I did fix things sooner so I could still have him by my side and it might have been easier to have gone though the problem detox situation.
Tomorow I get to see him which excites me! I really look forward to seeing him because I don't see him everyday anymore it is a really big thing for me to see him the few times a week he drops by (also, I still haven't found a way to get over him so I become a little girl getting to see her big "crush"). I love him a lot and really miss him. He is also staying the night! YAY! I am making him supper and then we get to pull a quicky visit at my uncle's surprise birthday party (My ex male is sweet in the sense that he is going to suffer along with me. He absoluely hates my uncle, but he is still going). I think we are going to work on my photography project at some point. I want to do a lot more with him (not just acting out on my pent up sexual feelings towards him. I love him for more then that!), but I really don't know what he will be in the mood for. This has actually been the highlight of my week...I don't actually do much with my time anymore so, I have to look forward to something.
My cat knocks on my door when he wants in. *Tap, tap* He actully waits before pawing at the door again. It's really creepy how smart he is...