"The Marriage Of Heaven and Hell."
Everything is all mixed up. Chaos is definately my life. It seems the males in my life own me and they have their own women to tend to as well. Wow, strange...
This week was two sides of a coin...or good and bad. If that makes any sense...
Sunday was something I needed but I totally brought this weeks mess upon myself (intimacy with a friend...that wasn't my ex..)
Monday night was nice. I thought it made a good end to something that didn't end...
Tuesday after spending a lovely evening with one of the few women in my life, I confessed to a naughty deed over the weekend to my ex. He was furious and frustrated with me which made me miserable. I hate making people feel horrible, but I do it so well. Our conversation ended on a strangely sexual note.
Thursday (because Wednesday didn't exist. No Wednesday consisted of me and my ex talking...talking talking talking. Miserable talking) night I went with my ex to see a group of friends band rehearsal. My ex was fairly upset with me and the vocalist...and after the drummer left, the circus began. The girlfriend of the vocalist and I thought that my ex would ram the vocalists head through the wall. My ex choked himself with a patch cord, and all three males acted out in ritualistic showing off (with the usual things such as humping, destroying things, showing off body parts, and acts of aggression). Men are strange. After bombarding my ex who was hiding and having him fling me around, flipping me onto the couch, he decided he was sick of being trapped within an awkward Hell created by the vocalist and I (so I really fucked up their chance at having a friendship again), he started to leave. He asked if I was coming...and I had to chase after him. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I love him, but it was nice to be in a comfortable atmosphere (for me anyways) with friends. I really wanted to talk to him and after he stormed out and was chased by the man he wanted to kill, he came back (I was told he was pissed by the remaining musician...which was obvious, but it was nice to know what the thorn that was wedged into his paw was...instead of hoping for a wild mood swing).
I left with my ex and we sat together in the freezing cold in his car sharing a black cigarette and talking. It was nice to cuddle(?) up next to him just trying to relax, to breathe. He called me much later in the evening with another bizaar sexual conversation. We seem to have those A LOT. But I fell for him because of his sexual and morbid mind (and we could actually talk).
On Friday night I went swimming with my ex and actually enjoyed myself. Much better then the week before. The Walrus is going to pay for destroying the Egg Man's "perfect" skin!
The remainder of Friday night was...BAD! I went out to meet someone at a bar...and apparently he showed up at the big line at 11:30. While waiting for him, every drunk wolf looked me over with sexual intentions. 4 surrounded me. I was miserable so I drank until I was numb, but still capable of understanding what is going on around me. Being a young woman alone at night downtown is a nightmare of a situation...and two of the wolves wanted to keep me by their sides. One guy wanted to go jamming with another band a few doors and suggested we went to go get his Djembe. Of course I know it is REALLY stupid for a little girl to follow two older strangers around while druck, but I did so. I knew that the drummer man wanted to play really badly and would hope to play for me, lure me and then things might get bad. I followed them to the drummer's two room mini appartment (the washrooms were public...and was only a SMALL kitchen and enough space for a bed in each room). He got his drum, they smoked weed, and we trecked out to the bar. I didn't go in. I got out of this situation while I could, called my father and ate pizza...and talked to my distressed ex. Getting home and crawling into my spinning bed was the best part to that drunken nightmare.
Saturday morning, my ex woke me up even worse then the night before. I have never really had anyone cry over me but him and it hurt me that I would actually cause this much pain on someone I loved the most in the world. The whole situation made me wonder what I was doing. So I trecked over to his house in minus 25 weather. I tend to do this for him every so often...
We curled up to each other in his bed...then argued...then ate breakfast after I threatened to leave. Fucked up relationship, yes I know. We have been through too much to go our separate ways (though he thinks I'll ditch him without a second thought) and this hasn't been the best week. We watched Spawn together (as I dozed off every so often...haven't caught up on my rest yet...last weekend wore me down...and every late night this week) and he took me home. After several hours of nothing, I got to escape this dreaded house. I went out with the band I watched on Thursday and the vocalists girlfriend. Lots of drinking, inappropriate touching and cigarettes...it was delightful. I was trying to do something and not being drunk yet, I somehow made myself appear so by knocking my glass over which tossed around the contents of the ashtray and made a horrible mess. All my female companion and I could do was laugh and make a poor attempt to clean it up. The bassist took plenty from me...money to get him drunk, cigarettes, my attempts to look decent instead of like a pissed ass (he took me to go watch the band that was playing and was my crutch because I needed someone to support my weight...and he copped a feel at every chance he could get...but he was also doing so to the vocalists woman so it was all fair). The vocalist got his fill of me as well (pinching my ass, a kiss...grabbing my breasts...). After one trip to the washroom, my female companion and I stumbled our drunk asses back to the table, and I managed to slip out of my chair and fall on my tucas. I did the same after laying back onto the vocalists car and sliding to the ground. We made our way to the drivers house (vocalist too drunk to drive so we travelled under with a driver who never drove in the winter and who only had his learners...Weeeeee!). While there I found myself a touching glove (just like Micheal Jackson...I aspire to touch young-in's) and felt a guy up...he looked about...13. Pizza was ordered, the vocalists pants were pretty much ripped off his body and the remnants were used by the males to beat the crap out of each other. I had a delectable time, even though I was on the verdge of falling asleep. I left with the sobering up vocalist and his girlfriend. We got to their house and had to leave soon after to take me home because my ex called them about my whereabouts...I got home and we talked. To make things more confusing in our relationship, we had sex...("I've been a bad bad girl...")
With four hours of sleep (got to sleep around 6), I had to wake up...everyone around me was buzzing about and my family isn't known to be quiet. My ex and I layed in bed for an hour. I find that men are territorial and if they see you as their woman...you are owned. I have one man who is showing me he is very lost (there is plenty more to say here, but I'm not ranting about his behavior) and another man who seems angry because I'm in love with someone who hurts me (and seems to have some attachment to me, though I could be wrong. I talked to him today to find out he was angry at me).
Again...chaos. I am so lost. I really hope for things to smooth out and I hope I don't lose anyone along the way.
THE WHISPERERS
A lonely silhouette,
Smoking a cigarette,
Hoping for the phone to ring,,
Though she's sick of the sound
Of mouths
Winding her up
And putting her down.
Don't get sad
When people that you trusted stab you in the back.
So, you thought they were your friends?
Now you know (now you know).
There's one thing in life that holds.
And now she wants to cry,
Staying in on Friday night,
Lying in her birthday suit,
And listening to the bickering,
From the room above,
And wondering if it's fear of loneliness or love,
That keeps people like that together,
Forever...
Don't get sad,
When people that you trust stab you in the back
So, you thought they were your friends?
Now you know (now you know).
There's one thing in life that holds.
You're on your own (you've gotta grow).
-The The
This week was two sides of a coin...or good and bad. If that makes any sense...
Sunday was something I needed but I totally brought this weeks mess upon myself (intimacy with a friend...that wasn't my ex..)
Monday night was nice. I thought it made a good end to something that didn't end...
Tuesday after spending a lovely evening with one of the few women in my life, I confessed to a naughty deed over the weekend to my ex. He was furious and frustrated with me which made me miserable. I hate making people feel horrible, but I do it so well. Our conversation ended on a strangely sexual note.
Thursday (because Wednesday didn't exist. No Wednesday consisted of me and my ex talking...talking talking talking. Miserable talking) night I went with my ex to see a group of friends band rehearsal. My ex was fairly upset with me and the vocalist...and after the drummer left, the circus began. The girlfriend of the vocalist and I thought that my ex would ram the vocalists head through the wall. My ex choked himself with a patch cord, and all three males acted out in ritualistic showing off (with the usual things such as humping, destroying things, showing off body parts, and acts of aggression). Men are strange. After bombarding my ex who was hiding and having him fling me around, flipping me onto the couch, he decided he was sick of being trapped within an awkward Hell created by the vocalist and I (so I really fucked up their chance at having a friendship again), he started to leave. He asked if I was coming...and I had to chase after him. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I love him, but it was nice to be in a comfortable atmosphere (for me anyways) with friends. I really wanted to talk to him and after he stormed out and was chased by the man he wanted to kill, he came back (I was told he was pissed by the remaining musician...which was obvious, but it was nice to know what the thorn that was wedged into his paw was...instead of hoping for a wild mood swing).
I left with my ex and we sat together in the freezing cold in his car sharing a black cigarette and talking. It was nice to cuddle(?) up next to him just trying to relax, to breathe. He called me much later in the evening with another bizaar sexual conversation. We seem to have those A LOT. But I fell for him because of his sexual and morbid mind (and we could actually talk).
On Friday night I went swimming with my ex and actually enjoyed myself. Much better then the week before. The Walrus is going to pay for destroying the Egg Man's "perfect" skin!
The remainder of Friday night was...BAD! I went out to meet someone at a bar...and apparently he showed up at the big line at 11:30. While waiting for him, every drunk wolf looked me over with sexual intentions. 4 surrounded me. I was miserable so I drank until I was numb, but still capable of understanding what is going on around me. Being a young woman alone at night downtown is a nightmare of a situation...and two of the wolves wanted to keep me by their sides. One guy wanted to go jamming with another band a few doors and suggested we went to go get his Djembe. Of course I know it is REALLY stupid for a little girl to follow two older strangers around while druck, but I did so. I knew that the drummer man wanted to play really badly and would hope to play for me, lure me and then things might get bad. I followed them to the drummer's two room mini appartment (the washrooms were public...and was only a SMALL kitchen and enough space for a bed in each room). He got his drum, they smoked weed, and we trecked out to the bar. I didn't go in. I got out of this situation while I could, called my father and ate pizza...and talked to my distressed ex. Getting home and crawling into my spinning bed was the best part to that drunken nightmare.
Saturday morning, my ex woke me up even worse then the night before. I have never really had anyone cry over me but him and it hurt me that I would actually cause this much pain on someone I loved the most in the world. The whole situation made me wonder what I was doing. So I trecked over to his house in minus 25 weather. I tend to do this for him every so often...
We curled up to each other in his bed...then argued...then ate breakfast after I threatened to leave. Fucked up relationship, yes I know. We have been through too much to go our separate ways (though he thinks I'll ditch him without a second thought) and this hasn't been the best week. We watched Spawn together (as I dozed off every so often...haven't caught up on my rest yet...last weekend wore me down...and every late night this week) and he took me home. After several hours of nothing, I got to escape this dreaded house. I went out with the band I watched on Thursday and the vocalists girlfriend. Lots of drinking, inappropriate touching and cigarettes...it was delightful. I was trying to do something and not being drunk yet, I somehow made myself appear so by knocking my glass over which tossed around the contents of the ashtray and made a horrible mess. All my female companion and I could do was laugh and make a poor attempt to clean it up. The bassist took plenty from me...money to get him drunk, cigarettes, my attempts to look decent instead of like a pissed ass (he took me to go watch the band that was playing and was my crutch because I needed someone to support my weight...and he copped a feel at every chance he could get...but he was also doing so to the vocalists woman so it was all fair). The vocalist got his fill of me as well (pinching my ass, a kiss...grabbing my breasts...). After one trip to the washroom, my female companion and I stumbled our drunk asses back to the table, and I managed to slip out of my chair and fall on my tucas. I did the same after laying back onto the vocalists car and sliding to the ground. We made our way to the drivers house (vocalist too drunk to drive so we travelled under with a driver who never drove in the winter and who only had his learners...Weeeeee!). While there I found myself a touching glove (just like Micheal Jackson...I aspire to touch young-in's) and felt a guy up...he looked about...13. Pizza was ordered, the vocalists pants were pretty much ripped off his body and the remnants were used by the males to beat the crap out of each other. I had a delectable time, even though I was on the verdge of falling asleep. I left with the sobering up vocalist and his girlfriend. We got to their house and had to leave soon after to take me home because my ex called them about my whereabouts...I got home and we talked. To make things more confusing in our relationship, we had sex...("I've been a bad bad girl...")
With four hours of sleep (got to sleep around 6), I had to wake up...everyone around me was buzzing about and my family isn't known to be quiet. My ex and I layed in bed for an hour. I find that men are territorial and if they see you as their woman...you are owned. I have one man who is showing me he is very lost (there is plenty more to say here, but I'm not ranting about his behavior) and another man who seems angry because I'm in love with someone who hurts me (and seems to have some attachment to me, though I could be wrong. I talked to him today to find out he was angry at me).
Again...chaos. I am so lost. I really hope for things to smooth out and I hope I don't lose anyone along the way.
THE WHISPERERS
A lonely silhouette,
Smoking a cigarette,
Hoping for the phone to ring,,
Though she's sick of the sound
Of mouths
Winding her up
And putting her down.
Don't get sad
When people that you trusted stab you in the back.
So, you thought they were your friends?
Now you know (now you know).
There's one thing in life that holds.
And now she wants to cry,
Staying in on Friday night,
Lying in her birthday suit,
And listening to the bickering,
From the room above,
And wondering if it's fear of loneliness or love,
That keeps people like that together,
Forever...
Don't get sad,
When people that you trust stab you in the back
So, you thought they were your friends?
Now you know (now you know).
There's one thing in life that holds.
You're on your own (you've gotta grow).
-The The
posted by Nico | 18:34
0 Comments:
Een reactie posten
<< Home