Heal me my dear Brena...

Last night was as mixed as any other night with him. I was in a good mood because I love being able to see him. It lasted longer then he expected.
We talked about random things that came up (which I generally started). He kept throwing things at me and saying that he was going to make a voodoo doll of me which was his explaination for pulling my hair out of my brush and trying to mix it into his clothes. Eventually he decided to sit in my bed (when really he shouldn't get close to my bed). I poked Paul Balenni and he attacked me back making me giggle defenselessly. When the monster stopped so could breathe, he positioned me so I was sitting between his legs. He massaged my back for awhile, pulled me into his body and massaged my front bones for awhile. He kept putting his face close to the side of mine and eventually pushed my neck down as if he was going to suck my blood. I made the comment "Are you going to be my Dracula?" which got him to bite me.
He turned my body a bit and kept biting me. After tieing him up (he keeps suggesting I do so and asked me to do so last night), pouring hot wax down his body, whiping him and so forth I set him free from the chair (wheelchair...) and things fell apart. We became intimate which set the hurt button off and I cried. I wanted to have him back from this other woman (though I have had him more intimately then she has, I miss kissing him and I miss sharing a bed with him) and I allowed my feelings to get in the way again. He thought he was hurting me...in an emotional sense, yes, but physical pain is something I can deal with or even ignore.
He kept looking me in the eyes (where I saw the man who still loved me but to afraid to say so) and kissed me. The kiss brought some shock because that was his last basis for not cheating ("I didn't start it...That's why I didn't kiss you.") or having feelings for me. He told me he was sick of the fighting after I told him that I hated how much I loved him. He continued kissing me, holding me and looking at me with compassion. I didn't want to ask any questions because I had missed the way he made me feel and any interigations would have made things worse.
I knew I didn't have him back and hugged him goodbye. I cried myself to sleep because I was so lost and sick of my feelings. I didn't expect him to write me a long email explaining that now isn't the right time for us to be together, but there might be a time in the future ("I sometimes do have it in my mind that we may at one time get back together"), and that he is sorry about last night. I still don't want to believe in the aspect of us getting back together because then my hopes might be smashed into pieces. As much as I love him and want him back, I want to realise that I might have to let him go (ouch). It will save me a lot of pain when I do get my life on track.
Love is such a painful thing to get tangled up in. I still think he is my soulmate, we were meant to meet up eventually (his brother lives next to family friends of mine and I do remember them talking about the boy next door which was him visiting his brother. We had mutual friends in school and we never had anyone as close as we got to each other. Social misfits who were the other pieces to the puzzle for each other) and maybe we will at least remain as close friends. We still have to put a bandaid over our friendship, but I will appreciate to still have him in some sense (the only person who never gave up on me and doesn't want to lose me).

"I'm becoming what I used to be afraid of. When the whole world wants to destroy you, every day is your last day and every performance is your final one. The antichrist isn't just me, or just one person. It's all of us, a collective state of mind that America needs to have awakened in them. I want to awake it in them. That's the purpose of this tour, maybe even my life, to make Americans realize they don't have to believe in something just because they have been told it all their lives. You can't have someone who has never had sex or drugs telling you it's wrong. Only through experience can you determine your own morality. Humanity isn't about constantly having to seek forgiveness for being human; humanity is leading a guiltless existance as an individual. That is armageddon, because, to Christianity, if you forsake the idea of God and believe in yourself, the world is over." -Marilyn Manson (Long Hard Road Out of Hell)