I Can Almost Hear You Scream.

Quitting day has risen yet again. I want to keep track of things this time. To be free of this addiction, one has to be strong and outlast withdrawal. Every addiction has adverse withdrawal if one needs to quit. It makes caving that much easier. Emotional instability, irritability…life. Living in a daydream and having to fall back into reality.
Up here, the snow flows upwards. It seems as though it isn't tainting the world below, but clearing itself up and out of sight. What goes up must come down and soon the cold glitter reaches the ground. It prohibits me from breathing as I walk the streets, like a hand gripped tightly around my neck. I'm lucky to grasp some air to carry on. Faint from the struggle, I embrace the warmth of the disaster where I reside.

I cannot seem to keep focused at work. I keep waiting to hear back from others through email and I write in my blog every so often. A break would be nice, but no one gets paid to enjoy life (unless they live the easy life…those bastards do not know what struggle feels like!). I need a new job…I might be out of a job because of the snow globe situation at work. Don’t understand? Take a snow globe, turn it upside down, shake it and watch the flecks of ‘snow’ fly about. My company has lost a lot of people and others are being moved around to make space for others. The paper is flying and I get to be in the middle. They have no place for me yet. Everyone seems to like me, the young blue haired business woman (another woman has pink hair and I came here with blue hair). Who knows…

Ehem…Christmas. Why should I care? Everyone else can care for me. The only thing I like about this season is TASTEFUL lights. Plain old lights in the treetops. That is all…the snow makes the world look a little more interesting which is also nice. I remember last year when I went sliding down a steep hill on my ass. Quite a delightful evening. I was with a female I adored and we saw a big old owl at the top of a tree. We went to see the lights earlier in the night. Some things are worth remembering. I would hate to forget any memories that were very enjoyable. Christmas has never been one for me…as well as my birthday, though this year it actually brought a smile to my face after the tears went away. Candles and kisses and all the mushy crap that woman love (wow actual romance in my life…how awkward).
A side note to Christmas this year, my lover (?) is going away. I get to be alone in a house I hate living in, spending the worst holiday feeling lonely. At least if he was there, we could be Christmas hating cynics together. Oh well.

Mirror Of Broken Souls.

A project of which my darling thought of and handed off to me involves a mirror. A big heavy mirror (I probably percieve it as heavy because I and weak and it is probably 45% my weight. Sad, I know). He dropped a cinder block on it and we pieced it back together, and bought some paint. It took me hours to clean the glass, strip the plastic wood (so the metal paint would eventually seep into the wood, given enough layers), paint in between all the cracks and layer the paint to turn darker of the two colors. I think it is looking fairly nice, though it does need 1 or 2 more paint layers. Darling asked if I was going to put any designs along the frame. I thought before of putting some crushed flowers along the frome, but painting something on is a little more durable.
Sad thing is...there is no safe place for it. Leaving it in the livingroom was a bad idea because the cats paw at it (broken glass+not overly reliable glue+curious cats=tiny pieces of glass all over the house...and we cannot allow that). Hopefully we move soon...

While working on the mirror over the weekend, Mein darling came to me and asked where the cats were. After several minutes of searching we found...one. The other on was nowhere else in the house. I placed all the noises I heard together to see if it was possible the missing cat made a great escape out of the house altogether. Someone who was visiting us went to the washroom, I remember hearing them go up the stairs. They left the door open. 2 minutes later the irresponcible (there is more to this remark...like spending all our rent money on the party life...which goes all weekend long and includes pick-up women) landlord walks in, talking loudly on his cellular phone. Oblivious to a black cat sneaking out the door into the dark. After searching the house. My darling and I grabbed flashlights to see if we could distingiush our black cat from the several living in our community. I was out in the front and Something came running towards me from out of the bushes. Thankfully it was my black cat. Very loyal animal, but highly devious.
Sadly enough, I knew damn well that this event would happen sooner or later. No one closes our door when they come to visit us, and our landlord lacks a brain. I wrote a note on the door when I first moved in saying that I would highly appreciate if our door was left closed (there was also a dog living there at the time, but he hung himself last month). Everyone laughed at me and the note was thrown away. It's nice to see people respect me...I am so respected I might as well just dream of bad things to come because so many mindless people will keep them from coming to being.
As stressful as my life is, I am hoping to take a collage course (an evening type collage course) on photography. Seeing as I have ultra low expectations of myself, instead of giving up on my future completely, I am trying to better myself. I actually want to use my collage fund on black and white film developing equipment. Expensive...but course will at least assist in my knowledge of what I am doing instead of having myself waste money on equipment I have limited knowledge in...

I Don't Want You To Be Someone Else For Me.

Things have remained complicated for me, but the strain is slowly lifting. I have a few projects that have at least reached the start line, some are over and done with, and some are near the end. Yesterday I broke down. I was lifted up by a loving hand (it claims it's loving status, but love is something I become a toy over...and eventually I will break again...words are so decieving, especially when you invest in their meanings towards others). I have needed help for quite sometime, but feel that no one has the time for me to keep me going, let alone breathing. My darling has been trying to save me, but after confessing their love for me, all I can do is wait. I worry that it is just another phase. Another temporary admiration.
With all this adversity and drops in sanity, I will either come out a strong and radiant person, or I will collapse. I do not have any will, but I do have someone else's wings. Collapsing is a dominant result, to the point of pulling myself together would just be a waste of time, but I am trying to listen to the 'I love you's' to gain whatever strength is needed to appease this person with my life. Being needed by one person leads me to feel empty, but it shows that out of all those whom I have come across in life, one actually believes I am worth saving. This is where the 'I love you's' start to hurt. If things spiral out of control, if I lose all the 'I love you's', if these wings deteriorate...where do I go? There would be nothing for me to do. My mind set is generally hopeless, but I have been through it all before. I am trying to better myself and the one I love, but it is so hard. After years of the same thought patterns, one's mind has much difficulty in trying to escape. To change.
Things will get better, things will get better, things will get better, things will get better, things will get better, things will get better, things will get better...hopefully...

Oh Lyllianne...

"Pain and misery always hit the spot..."
The most important pieces of the puzzle in my brain can hardly be found sometimes. I have so much piling up around me and no time or energy to invest in as much as I sould be doing. Work, sleep, work, sleep, insert food when needed. When I decide to do something enjoyable, I wasted time for work. I constantly work all day and never fell like doing the work that needs to get done at home. My desk is binders, papers, maps. At home everything important is placed away because I am to mentally exhausted (physically is finally stepping up to the plate to join my mind) to put the effort needed to accomplish this work. If I could condition my body and mind to insomnia, with energy boosts, continually until...everything is complete...I would probably die before I reach completion, but my efforts will not go unnoticed.
Hooray for being slightly more awake in the morning...boo to sexual depravation. The only reason I'm not sleeping on my keyboard is due to sleeping earlier and neglecting my darling. No can can be expected to be happy if the ones they care about most cannot be worked into their schedule.
Back to the dreary world of work, work, work...

Anguish

The world believes that I am a whore. The world believes I am stupid. There are so many depricating things the world believes about me. I'm sick of listening, believing, torturing myself because I cannot be apart of the human race. Fuck you. Fuck those who bring me down and those who try to control me. Mind games are for the weak. Let me be or I will destroy you. Bring me down to the level of scum and I will make you eat the scum you love, and drown in miseries you deserve. Think you are superior? Confront me with your being and I will make you crawl like the worm you made of yourself. I do not give a shit of these pitiful societies and I am hoping to leave it all and hide away in the shadows and crevases of society. Every human, including myself, is scum. We are all the same. Living beings with the power to destroy as we please. To hurt, to love and to corrupt as we please. Some of us are just lucky to be born blind and to stupid to think indepth, and some of us are lucky to be continually happy. To live is to suffer great agonies and not crawl. To be stong in your own being because you can take any nightmare before you. Does anyone care of all the beauty that is around them? If you have eyes, why choose to be blind? If you have ears, why allow only the noise of humans to enter your mind?
If this offened any obscure person who happened to stumble upon my blog, I am venting. Take as much to heart as you please or actually think about what I am writing.

Civil Men...

Chaos. I man I work with says I am like a "God" in the sense that I create clarity out of all the chaos that surrounds me. Right now my relationships are in the twisters grasp and quite a mess is forming. The love of my life, my soulmate, the keeper of my heart is hurt, I am losing friends and gaining those who have not even begun to know the depths of my mind.

JUDAS
Is simplicity best
Or simply the easiest
The narrowest path
Is always the holiest
So walk on barefoot for me
Suffer some misery
If you want my love
If you want my love

Man will survive
The harshest conditions
And stay alive
Through difficult decisions
So make up you mind for me
Walk the line for me
If you want my love
If you want my love

Idle talk
And hollow promises
Cheating Judases
Doubting Thomases
Don´t just stand there and
shout it
Do something about it

You can fulfil
Your wildest ambitions
And I´m sure you will
Lose your inhibitions
So open yourself for me
Risk your health for me
If you want my love
If you want my love
If you want my love
If you want my love
~Depeche Mode
I love this song. If you want sincere love in return you have to earn it. If you want to keep someone you love, you have to prove your loyalty.
I think that I am just some object. Men call me cutie like I'm expected to like it, and it is like they demand I talk to them. "I complemented you, now talk to me. Allow me to wander up you skirt, and down your blouse. You are no human dear. Just a place I can slip my dick into." Allow me to continually lose faith in society. I need to find a really fancy ring and claim that I am happily married.
The tornado cannot last forever...