"If you try walking in my shoes, you'll stumble in my footsteps."

My stomach is soooo upset right now. I'm an emotional wreck and my most important relationship is bringing me a lot of sorrow...again. I want him to pin me down so I know he really does NEED me. He hurt me lastnight and I don't think he will understand why. No matter how many times I attempt to explain myself...what's the point anymore? It's as though I'm his radio, but he turned me off because he's sick of listening to the same old news or love/hate songs. I crave to just keep him as my own, hold him and never let him go, but it's so hard to do right now. I want to get better so bad but I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't know what to do. Why is it so hard for him to see that he has someone who would do ANYTHING for him, no matter how painful it is? I stayed by his side when he was dating someone else and crushing my heart daily. I kept him in my life after I decided I wanted to get over him. I really don't know what I can do, I'm sick of hurting over him...and I fear tonight, a lot. Thus the stomach ache. I wonder what I will be this time. I wonder what he will do, how he will react. I sort of want to see some expression that shows he can't bare to lose me, but I doubt this will do anything at all. It probably won't hurt him because I probably already lost him. Ouch...well that's a reality I can't bare to face again.
So anyone care to stop me from going out on a walk, and finally jumping off that bridge that always tempts me when I'm at my breaking point? It's not like I will go through with it, I'm just so frustrated and I want to just avoid everything (so thoughts of suicide are all I have to make me contempt).
I hate complications, and having feelings. I desire to be numb. To pretend life is a really dull novel or movie that starts up and ends when I want it to (instead of this stressful and painful mess that it is). I really wish I could drown myself of reality because I'm sick of how painful it is. I want to be so weak that I cave into suicide, but I love some people and do not wish to hurt them. Just going to appease them until I have fucked EVERYTHING up and when I'm finally alone, when I have not a person alive to love me back, then I have no one to hurt.
I probably sound like every other angsty teenager. I don't care actually. If a genuine plee for someone to save me is angsty...then thus is what I am. I can't save myself. I tried and I'm still trying. I'm not mentally strong. My mind is deteriorating and I can't tell what is wrong with me. I have assumed Schitzophrenia, but being a hypochondriac makes it hard for me to make a diagnosis that could actually be possible.
Right now I really need help and I have no where I can turn. Wow, funny how things work out that way for me. I'm always here in this city and I can be there when someone really needs me, but I never can turn to anyone (they can't help me or won't listen or I'm not close enough to them, or they don't understand me or are far away...).
I'm going to get ready for a long, long night.