~...Dysmorphophobia...~

Falling Into Insignificant Lies And Living Through Falsities...Everything Is Chaotic And Delectable Distorted Imagery... "They tend to be suspicious, bristly, paranoid-type people with huge egos they push around like some elephantiasis victim with his distended testicles in a wheelbarrow terrified no doubt that some skulking ingrate of a clone student will sneak into his very brain and steal his genius work." ~WSB

maandag, juli 17, 2006

"I feel so naked, I'm sick of the dealers grey hair."

I hate summer, I hate summer, I hate summer, I hate summer, I hate summer, I hate summer! (so that should go to that meow mix jingle with no words...just meowing...). It's too hot, the blinding and scortching sun is out. Insufferable, vile days slowly creeping by.

I have some fears about tomorrow. I don't wish to confide in some stranger who will only give me pills. I refuse to go to a female doctor because they seem to be too mushy. I want a dickhead who knows what he's talking about and who is willing to help because either way (being little miss nice or plain old Mr. Doctor), he will still get paid, but best to get one's money's worth. I was completely forced into it, though I know damn well I need it, doesn't mean I'll like it either. I'm doing this for my ex because he wanted me to seek help to "save" me which would result in us supposedly saving our relationship...yeah this was back at the end of December. We still don't have the relationship I wanted, but tough shit I guess. He seems rather worried about losing me to my dear attraction. I find that funny. There was NOTHING I could do to keep him, but when he seems threatend by an attraction of mine, he tries to sell himself to me as though he's done nothing wrong. I do love the boy to pieces...I think. I mean, I love him, he's just pissing me off a lot lately. I do like that he makes some little efforts here and there to show me I can be important (and then the rest of the time be an average emotionless boy. Or maybe he's just nice to me when he wants sex...that makes more sense anyway).
So anyway...hopefully the psychiatrist isn't a complete nightmare. I fear telling him EVERYTHING because of how he may react...I don't know why I'm going anymore (outside of my ex's old request). I really don't want to and what is ONE appointment 7 months from when I originally needed help. This is frustrating. What happens if I have to wait another 7 months to talk to him again? Well I could go through a whole drug cycle (getting pills, taking them, adjusting to side effects, forget to take them, feel the withdrawl, start taking them again, side effects start up...etc.) and take note of everything that happend while on them before seeing him in another 7 months. I'm really hoping for something good to come out of all this...