Hello, I'm Not Actually Here Today.

I feel like a disaster. Pain here and there, sick, stressed...late in the blood department (only by two days, but that is sort of bad for me because my body is generally is a day or two early or right on the 26th...). Thankfully I only have to work two days this week. A bad pay check is on the way, but why should that worry me? Oh right, financial instability. I want to be motivated into completing tthis lengthy work project, however, my mind hasn't been around for weeks. Things will be fine in my head if something gets completed this week (or several things).
Why do people feel obligated to tell me I'm "too" skinny? For one thing, I'm a size 6, and I have a fast motabolism (I haven't been fat...but that will change eventually. Women always get screwed in the body department.) A guy I know who says he wouldn't "fuck a fat chick" (quite frankly, I do not like his tounge), bitches about me being a too skinny female. I do not care about what he says because there is a good chance he doesn't care about my existance but is jumping on the bitching wagon. My lover keeps talking about this really sexy body I could have if I could gain the weight and work out. I can't work out because that would just add stress because the new year is the begining of two new projects and hopefully the end of one...(maybe two). Men drive me batty. Actually, it's not just men, but since I am complaining about a comment made last night infront of two other people (who thankfully didn't voice any opinions what so ever, though I know one wanted to). I like being skinny for the reasons that I look grotesque enough (I'm skinny, I'm pale...I look like a sickly being...who has something more then the common cold...) to keep majority of the male population away (I really do like men, until they decide to make the moves on me. Older men really seem to like me seeing as I could have lost my virginity at age 15 to a 19 year old who was all googly eyed at me...then his 18 year old-soon to be 19-best friend started chasing after me).
What can I do to make this dread go away?

The The has such pretty melodies. Less preachy then I remember. Naked Self is relaxing, delightful to the ears. I have been waiting to get this album for so long. A good buy (I hate wasting money on albums I can't even stand to listen to once...I have made that mistake several times because I want an album from certain bands and I look for one that has familiar songs on it and I'm still disapointed. I only knew Global Eyes, and I have liked The The's past work. I'm not disapointed). Hopefully some lighter music the Rammstien and Skinny Puppy can make it's attempt to keep me in a better mood then I am trapped in.

Damnation.

After this weekend, I can breathe. Really, I cannot say if it will be from joy because of the ending holiday, or if it will be from agony. I am sick as per-usual, I am lost on what I am doing at work and I am fighting with someone I love. Someone who I won't get to see, tough or talk to until Tuesday and who I wanted to spoil last night. I would give him my world, or anything I could bring to him to show what he means to me, but I hurt. This pain is because this downward spiral in my life will never stop. I have to lose him, I have to be miserable, I have to be alone. I am never allowed to keep those who make life so wonderful. It has always been that way for me. I just can bare to lose him. I know the end will come and there will be nothing we can do. I have made his life difficult and the thread is wearing thin. To lose eyes so sweet, lips that kiss me, a being who has actually loved me. It has been so hard to believe that someone could love me, and there is where I have made things worse. I do not want gifts, or to see my decrepide grandparents. I do not want to be surrounded by my family of lies and torment. I want to crawl into bed with the man I love and never leave his side.

Angora Sweaters For All!

Christmas...winter...people everywhere...I am not a fan of December at all. Currently I have a back pain which occupies most of my spinal cord. I am bblaming that on how I sleep, but I don't understand why it is happening now because I always sleep on my side and my figure hasn't changed that much. It all started out after leaving my office room to do whatever I needed to do and a couple steps outside of the door, *crack, crack, crack*. My back has done this for a month but now it remains a stationary pain that can't be cracked. It has further assisted me in my long nights of small amounts of sleep. If only lobotomies were still legal in North America (hmm...I'm actually not sure of Mexico. I only know everything North of Mexico doesn't do that proceedure anymore. Thankfully so. The USA deserved to have that form of therapy taken away because of the continuous abuse. Canada and Mexico I have no knowledge of).
Other problems...Christmas wrapped in all it's greed and pointlessness (I am more willing to follow portions of Satanism then any "God" appeasing religion, and people care more about wants at this time). You can celebrate my birthday if you want but ignore me all together at Christmas. I need a lot of things, but everything is too expensive to say when asked for what I want. I need a professional camera, if digital, a picture printer. I need therapy, piano lessions, a workshop, TIME (not the magazine), a high school diploma, more living space, a bed that is just one bed (queen size or big enough to fit two people and not two matresses that vary in age, height and comfort). I need music programs for my laptop to be able to create actual songs and cd's (I don't have a lot of money, but I am trying to get my future established and a computer in any form was needed, but a laptop doesn't take up too much space and is travel friendly). If there is anything I want...a tattoo (my wings). Apparently that isn't a present, but it would be cheaper in the end then all the crap I am getting. Actually...I need work shoes. Mine have expired (rotting in an office building. That should only be left to food left in someone's desk, things that end up bottle/can recycling bin or the minds of workers).
Oh and I get to visit my family this weekend. Parents and relatives. I get to be called an anorexic, told how I should dress and turn on a fucking light (my grandmother has decided to continue treating me like a baby), how ugly my eyebrows are, and anything else my family can drag out. When they team up is when I want to go and hang myself in the basement. I want everyone to understand that I am actually boyfriendless, and my male friend is more of a lover then someone who takes me out on dates...but I won't mention the lover part. I appeased my religious grandparents on the weekend because I am so sick of explaining myself. So they had to have a picture taken of me and my so called boyfriend. Neither will be good because I was talking in the first one and the second one consisted of me laughing as he held my limp arms up. Oh well. I'm not going to change my appearance for people who make me (remain) miserable and for a holiday without any meaning to me. I'm going with my un-lady-like eyebrows, my "gothic" make-up, and black cothes (unless I can dress up as a 18th century burlesque house whore or a witch with my black cat). I'm going to sit with my sister and cat as much as possible and get her to be my body guard.
Do you know the best way to start off the new year? I know how because I get to experience this refreshing start to my new year. I get to have a full body examination. I don't know if my breasts are getting checked (can they even fit into the machine?) is included in this package, but getting a pap smear sure is! You can almost feel my sarcastic excitement growing! I don't get a raise in my pay, less stress, or financial stability. I get to have my sexual organ violated by a professional again. And before this year ends I get to have a blood test (second one this year...how eventful). Brain analysis, blood analysis, perchance a boob check, a cunt analysis and a bodily look over all over the next bundle of weeks.
My rant should come to a close before I waste too much time. Gudentag.

"All My Useless Ideals..."

I hate myself. I think that is important to announce, though it was most likely obvious. I am continually miserable and all my little problems are getting in the way of my love life. Smothering myself sounds more appealing then trying to do work at my job. That should be the basis of stress/anxiety councelling. "Never allow your problems to destroy your friendships, and relationships. You will only feel worse in the end without the people you love who tried to support you." I am the roof of a building and I only have one supprot beam...how sad. If my support beam goes away, I get to hit the ground instantaniously (no back up beams...I think I had those once before). Reasons why I don't get involved with people to begin with, I lose them so easily. I am really surprised he has stayed with me for so long...I really don't deserve him. He can either choose to deal with me or run while he still has the chance. I don't see any reason for him to love me and I will only continue making his life miserable. I have been trying to get better, but that keeps becoming exceedingly difficult. I don't get a decent amount of sleep, I don't eat right, I allow my problems to build up, I damage everything at the same time when I am the most down...so I am in my downward spiral again. Third time this year, but I'm not allowed to go to the hospital and hide...I have to stay in this Hell and find my own way out again. That is so fucking difficult to achieve so if he leaves, I'm going to give up. I'll quit my job, move home and live in a hospital until I can cope with life again.
Days like this make me wish I had a drug addiction so I could make the world go away.

In Ihrem Spinne Netz.

I berate myself it seems. If I wasn't Skeletor, Queen of the Skinny Bitches and actually had more flesh, apparently I would have the perfect body. Good to know...so should I eat beyond my means to try and attain this? No thanks. With any luck, I would just get a budha belly and have stick arms and legs. Work out? Sometimes I can barely walk when I am wearing my boots and carrying a bag (and all those layers of clothing). I prefer looking like a corpse. Keeps the men away. I do not wish to be oggled, but regardless of how I look it happens anyway (a perfect body would make it worse).
Some strange affair lays before me. A request that I have problems following. It is like being asked to kill your best friend so that the person requesting it doesn't have to look at them anymore. I do not want to get involved, but I am the center of it all. The person who wants something wonderful to come of this expects me to be a seductive creature who takes charge, when I am really an awkward and not so sexy person. I think it would be more enticing to seduce the guy at work who winks at me or my future brain analyzer. Everything is more meaningless when you don't care about the person...but then the whole act of intimacy becomes just as meaningless.

Dieser Hölle zu entgehen würde uns von der Zerstörung speichern.
Stuck in a rut. Busy but not. Mentally gone as usual. I am getting a psychologist soon, starting classes next month, trying to finish other work all over the place so when I slip on my numb suit, all I do is sit and feel the stinging pain throughout my body and stare off into oblivion. He doesn't understand my numb state. It is pretty much an overload and shut down of my body. It happens every so often and I don't want to do anything when it this state. Total apathy. Don't want to move, don't want to feel anything, don't want to be pleasured, just want to sit and feel numb. It generally occures after enjoying myself while being depressed. Recently it happened. On Friday, we had two friends over and I got to laugh and enjoy their company. Earlier that day and when I was alone or thinking too much during our companies visit, I felt so useless and like my life was wrong. My real self is in some coma and I don't actually have blue hair, problems and sorrow. I don't actually do drugs, fuck boys and crave girls. I am a good girl trapped in a coma, dumb and loved by friends I have...but I don't have these friends anymore. I have blue hair and I have more problems in my life then I want to deal with. Since I felt all this, when they went away I became numb. He had no clue what was wrong even though I tried to explain (something I am horrible at). Since he believes he knows everything already, he won't bother to read this. Somehow I can always articulate my thoughts a lot better when I type them out.
This weekend should be nice. I get to drown my thoughts with Absinthe (really, I should have huge problems with drugs, alcohol or other coping with life habits, but I have more control then I want) and have the opportunity to be social, though stupid. Seeing as everyone else will feel and behave the same, I have no problems misplacing my intelligence for an evening. The next evening I will be treated to free food. However, family is involved and apparently, they have adopted my male companion whether I like it or not. Good to know they like him and believe that I have a lovely furture of marriage and parasites (babies) ahead of me. I have given up on the idea of children. Of course I won't feel hung over which is delightful. Absinthe is very dangerous...(last time I got up and felt fine. Pissed out of my head the night before, but no problems with pain the next day...outside of the hunger and ulcer in my stomach). Sunday is a mystery of course...
There is a Hippotamus in everyone's head (I know the actual term. Hippotamus is just more confusing and relivent to what I was talking about lastnight). He makes you hungry, and when you turn thirteen, he goes crazy! He controls the pubesent pit in your torso. Smart little monster.

Küssen Sie mich merkwürdiger. Lassen Sie meine Schmerz mit Ihren weichen Lippen fliehen. In mein Bett und ziehe krieche mir Ihr Vergnügen ein. Ich wünsche Sie und muß Ihnen glauben so schlecht. Ich bebe am Gedanken des Habens Sie aufwickelte zwischen meinen Beinen, umfaßt in der Freude. Mein Geheimnis und mein Meister. Ich wünsche Sie so schlecht.