"All My Useless Ideals..."

I hate myself. I think that is important to announce, though it was most likely obvious. I am continually miserable and all my little problems are getting in the way of my love life. Smothering myself sounds more appealing then trying to do work at my job. That should be the basis of stress/anxiety councelling. "Never allow your problems to destroy your friendships, and relationships. You will only feel worse in the end without the people you love who tried to support you." I am the roof of a building and I only have one supprot beam...how sad. If my support beam goes away, I get to hit the ground instantaniously (no back up beams...I think I had those once before). Reasons why I don't get involved with people to begin with, I lose them so easily. I am really surprised he has stayed with me for so long...I really don't deserve him. He can either choose to deal with me or run while he still has the chance. I don't see any reason for him to love me and I will only continue making his life miserable. I have been trying to get better, but that keeps becoming exceedingly difficult. I don't get a decent amount of sleep, I don't eat right, I allow my problems to build up, I damage everything at the same time when I am the most down...so I am in my downward spiral again. Third time this year, but I'm not allowed to go to the hospital and hide...I have to stay in this Hell and find my own way out again. That is so fucking difficult to achieve so if he leaves, I'm going to give up. I'll quit my job, move home and live in a hospital until I can cope with life again.
Days like this make me wish I had a drug addiction so I could make the world go away.