Blah, holidays...

So December is near and I cannot wait until it is over. Every penny I've made has either gone to savings for rent, crap-mas presents or food. Ah, the price of getting old and accepting responcibilities and that crap...bleh...

Somebody has the keys to my heart! They are taking me swimming!! Eeeeeeeh!!! Is that good reason to propose?: "You took me to my happy place, I want to completely own you now...Bwahaha!!" I'd offer them my body if they weren't already essential to my prayers to my genitalia.

It takes a lot to realize that your life isn't even skimming the surface of bad. When you expect sexual assault, when you realize you can't trust outside of those you hold close to your heart, when you realize you're slipping deeper into insanity (schitzophrenia, psychosis, depression, disassociation, anxiety, and whatever else they informed me that is wrong) and it's mere scabs in comparison to the Hell others are forced to live with...life really doesn't look as bad as it did. I can't complain about my issues, I can't feel sorry for my petty issues. I'm lucky in a small unlucky way and need to just get over myself. Not doing so bad...Crazy is fine and easy to deal with if I never have kids.

Grr...I should sleep as I have quite the adventure ahead of me in the morning.

Soap Opera Life

If I had it in me to just take what I have at the end of the week and run, I probably would...that would also require me not to have any emotion what-so-ever. If I could forget who needs me, who loves me, who I love and need...
Right now, I feel like I'm a failure as I took off to make money and I'm going to be showing up with nothing but a break from a freezing Hell under my belt.
Everything around me is like my few female friends out heres Soap Opera. It's sometimes horribly acted out, the lies are transparent from the viewers standpoint and the drama never ceases. It could be fun to just step back and watch, but being so close to repulsion from one of the "characters" has made it more real. Please, just entertain me. I have realized from EVERYONE around me that the critters in my head are the very least of my worries, but interacting is getting to me. I only want to perk people up, not suffer through their miseries. I don't mind sharing a disturbing pornographic image at the expense of some soul less creature. It makes those who see it, and have been affected by said creature, smile. Making light of the dark. But having someone who is very close to me on a spiritual level crash...It was really hard playing strong infront of the soul less (I was about to cry with her, but that would have made things worse) because empathy for my spiritual counter-part almost won (it's ok to cry and feel, but when someone is using everyone and wants to destroy you, you cannot show weakness unless on safe ground: "Don't let them see you cry.").

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm upset by the people around me who I care about, who are suffering, and by my own emotions bringing me down over my own loved ones back home that I miss. This is a short trip for my sorta family back home, and so I can make it home to say good-bye to an old before they leave.

My cards told me it was ok for me to love you. It was ok to give myself to you. That the world is difficult, but strength to carry on, would float us to some stability. Why should I mumble nonsense to you; I miss you, dear (I love you terribly so, but will never admit it).

My ex wants me to move with him. I told him that I cannot give up my loved ones for him. Some things are more important than what used to be. If this ship sinks, I'm going with it. Why should I get out scott-free because someone who was both my savior and personal Hell is giving me a temporary get out of jail free card? If everyone I love is suffering, I'm going with them.

Bitter

Wow...I have met my share of horrible people. Right now, I'm trying not to beat the shit out of this girl for being the monster she is. Trying to calm down before I get to see her self-centered, hideous face again. The only person who actually was foolish enough to give a damn about this waste of flesh is realizing now that she was used. I thought I was a horrible fuck up/disappointment to the ones I love, but this soulless, greedy wretch has shown me I'm not as bad as I thought. I at least try to help people I care about. It was sickening to watch one girl drowning while her "best friend" couldn't even give her a place to stay (this "best friend" used her mother as an excuse so she could go and sleep at her pimps house. The only person to care about this wretch, she wouldn't help...). I know humans can be pretty wretched, but it is disturbing to see how low they can really go.
Now I wait for something horrible to happen to this wretch so I can feel better about the world. She definately has no one now.

I'm feeling rather ill, mostly from restraining myself and going to sleep angry. Also the difference in barometric pressure seems to have made me ill (dizzy, on the verge of throwing up, migraines and having to force food into myself due to my constant upset stomach).
Currently, I'd love a drink to calm me down a bit.

The movie "It" (1929 silent film) was on the other night. I love that movie, but it has made me sad and jealous of Clara Bow's character (only the character as Clara Bow had an awful life). Bleh...Oh well, a good distraction from the soap opera world around me is the thought of having a one and only. Or maybe I just miss sex (that sounds more like me).

One of my close friends is moving thousands of miles away. I have to make it home before his going away party, as I know I'm going to miss him and will regret getting to say goodbye. I really wish I could mentally handle his level of social butterfly. It exhausts me to deal with him after a long day when I want to be alone, curled up in bed, but I know my time with him is limited so I try my best to keep up.

Dancing Around Reality

Doesn't want to do it, but can get over herself long enough to be of actual use. When things just start getting good in areas that she has recently become incomfortable with, the world has to say no. No, you can't be comfortable, you can't give yourself to someone, we want to claim you as our pet and want to mistreat you. You can't feel that electricity, that spark, that overwhelming desire to be a one and only. Ok, you can desire it until you have to cry yourself to sleep, but your collapsing mind and the world want something else of you. Your insecurities fucked you over on this one, now we get to decide what to do with you. You're not a child anymore, and haven't been one for quite some time. Doesn't mean you really get to be anything you want to be. Get up, and do as you are told without crying or complaining. You are a product and must look appropriate if you want to make yourself in anyway useful. It's not the end of the world and there are less fortunate than you, so be happy for whatever we give you.
.........
I babble on about you, as though we are in a honeymoon phase. Something that went unnoticed until everywhere I went reminded me more of you than all the memories that were laid in place before you. The flaws you have go unnoticed, or seem unimportant if I ever do meet them. Maybe I am being rediculously foolish, but I'm terrified of losing you.
.........
I have to get ready for lunch. I'd rather stay home and get things done, but as time begins to disapear between my fingers, the pressure to get it all done will be of some use. Might forget some much needed socks and underwear, as I always forget something (no matter how throrough I make and go over my list).

Naked Powers Used for EVIL!

Halloween was splendid! If I had a list for the perfect halloween, it was pretty damn close. My friend scared me in the morning as I had my headphones in (listening to music as I was too frisky and impatient for a movie) and didn't hear them come to bed.
The night was full of walking around in bandages (as Leeloo), shoeless as my character (good case of dirty feet the next day), chatting with strangers along the whole 5th floor and the one room on the 7th, wearing my wine/whiskey (whatever time of night it happened to be) and eventually some mashed potatoes as I violently beat them with a fork for the LATE party dinner. Mmm...Turkey dinner. I went trick-or-treating for wine, candy necklaces and cigarettes and was kinda sorta spoiled. Oh well, it's my pretend birthday so it works for me.
After seeing a pretty awesome place for a pool (the roof of an apartment building), the police showed up at the door. Somehow I'm not terrified of them while pissed off my rocker wearing thin strips of tensor across my body. To my knowledge, I chatted politely with them, appologizing for my buddy and agreeing to their requests...them promptly freaking out after they left. Eek, police!
I headed out and my broke, pretty slutty (with the boots and pimpesque jacket on) ass made it to my friends house from some skeezy taxi driver (my aunt says I'm lucky not to have been assaulted, as helping poor little lost girls has given them advantages in horrible ways. Can't trust ANYONE these days. Not good for my paranioa and lack of regard for my body).
The Doukhobor in me, fueled by my cocktail of random alcohol sloshing around inside of me, decided to give either a trick or treat (depends on personal opinion of course) to my friend and his two buddies and reverted to Leeloo, pre-bandages. I don't like wearing clothes and I'm terribly comfortable around my friend...Apparently, that was rather cruel of me in a way I didn't ever really think possible. I feel like a scary monster...but not an ugly one according to second-hand information. Rawr!

Pretty damn happy to have music in my life again. I want a stable job to make me more useful and so I can actually go out with friends. I miss shows (preferably when I have a ride to a safe place afterwards) with friends. I miss a lot of things...feeling pretty dead as of late.

Babbling in the Rain

I wonder if many people have dreams that take place in the same strange locations as previous dreams? Places one has never been to before in real life, and the dream is completely different, it just uses the same locations. Like continuing waking life, same surroundings, different day. The dreams I had today (as I assume they were too different dreams) took place in such recycled places. One was in this weird house which always starts off extravagant, kind of empty, the windows open with storm clouds outside, the wind blowing the curtains. There's always some kind of gathering, like a party, but not really as festive. Then by the end of the dream, the house is disgusting and eerie, the people seemingly have gone home or sleeping around like a crack den. This dream had one of my girlfriends boyfriends, who I don't know all that well. I think I was clinging to him for safety or some form of comfort. He didn't seem pleased with me being there, but I can only assume I was lost or trapped there and was hoping for his help. I wandered around aimlessly a lot for the whole dream. It was like being at a bad party on acid and having no where to go to just get it all out of your system, to feel comfortable. Don't care much to see that house again.

The next dream was in some odd little gypsy/hippy camp (new location), where I was living with animals, which were ALL illegal (as in, no animal was allowed anywhere else, otherwise it would be killed), and a lot of random people I didn't know. Someone I'm really close to was a bird...Duh, that's how they have lived in so many different places! Jeeze, how foolish was I to assume they just kinda traveled in human forms of transportation. Haha, their friend was a possum...doesn't this all just make so much sense? Also the fact that I have no problems whatsoever communicating with these animals, because, you know, they were people once. I didn't see this as a dream at all...wow. I don't remember when my friend turned into a rat, but I know it was so that I could hide them better (why can't they just turn back into a human so we can go shopping without me having to hide them in my clothes?). So, I was driving some van with my critter friend, when I was stopped by the patrolmen who were keeping an eye out on animals...I was surprisingly calm with a rat up my peasant-like skirt. I made it to the fleamarket with no other issues (the market was in two different dreams. One where I was infatuated with a girl and wanted to buy her something to show my affections. Another where a girl and I are getting supplies for the zombie appocalyse. Two locations kinda smooshed together). Eyes were on me as I wandered around for something of actual interest. A patrolman asked what I was looking for (maybe noticed I was muttering insanely to myself...My friend tucked in my sleeve) and I searched my head for something and came up with Ani Difranco. "Oh, try over there." I believe I was about to get into trouble as I think someone had one of those creepy see EVERYTHING under the clothes x-rays in handheld form and they were about to see the shapeshifting loved one I was smugging around with me. I watched another animal slaughtered...I didn't want to watch my dear friend die...luckily I woke up, and they are human and I feel a whole lot of crazy.

And I'm guessing I'm supposed to figure these out? Yeah, good luck. I can remember so many parts to so many dreams...decoding all the warped little adventures I go on would take awhile.

Much better than a man's voice whispering "hey" to wake you up, and you find out you're the only one home...then hear about a car crash and fear the worst.

Thankfully, it was probably just Eddie. He doesn't like how I told him to leave me alone, so my door opens a lot, all on it's own, the house locked up (no windows or doors open, or anyone else awake or home)...I made peace with him lastnight, saying I missed him, and liked him much better than the idiots, the wastes of human flesh, downstairs. Seriously, I felt safer in the basement of a house in a REALLY shitty community, all alone in the house except for animals and the hangedman, than I do here. Strangers at all hours of the day (mostly night), walking into our yard. Some hopping up on out deck. That was merely to steal recycleables, but they were on our fucking deck! Not an easy, single person climb, and the bushes make the fall or getting down in a hurry, quite unpleasant.



I miss the feeling of being attracted to someone. It's thrilling and awkward and makes me feel dizzy and I'm incapable of creating sentences. I blush, moronically, when they talk to me, feeling sick and pathetic once they walk away, confused. I miss the excitement and complete fear of going out with the person, casually. The hope of them noticing me, of maybe finding my incoherent babbling around them, inticing. "Do I stand out? Am I attractive in their beautiful eyes? Does their heart hurt, their insides feel just as sick, when they see me? Ugh! Why must I feel this way?!"
I hope only to feel infatuated. I never want to attempt to claim them as my own, bestow my love and affection on them. I'd rather have my childish attraction then invest in another broken heart, or to be just another game.

You cried so deeply over me. I never knew you really cared. I could have had such beauty, but I was seduced by what was wrong for me, as is always the case. I do love you terribly, and I regret what I have lost.

*sigh* Time to rest, if I can. Want to accomplish somethings tomorrow before the lazy kicks in.

Running Nucking Futs.

Don't you just hate it when you live with someone who can't afford their keep? I know, annoying! Fuck, I've turned into that person. Because of random work, I got used to money coming in last minute to save the day. Now I should really get my ass in gear and attempt normal people living...which requires at least something sort of normal for a job. Some neato modeling gigs, creative stuff, some creepy stuff...at least I'm looking. I wouldn't mind something flexible so I can go out of town or help out some friends with their projects.

There's one Hell of a story running amok in my head. Nothing I should publicly announce, but it was like being abducted by aliens...sorta. Late at night, makes you feel sick inside when you find out that it's not a dream...probes...hahahaha, not really (at least I hope not. That makes me feel much worse at that thought). It would make a good story for an M. Night Shamalama-ding-dong (as I'm too lazy to look up the accurate spelling) movie. "What a twist!" Someone would have to be a psychotic killer, and it would be WAY too easy for me to name who (not me, surprisingly). Still getting random information...still deeply confused...really happy I'm not waking up to it anymore though...

You kinda just put on your crazy face and ran with it and everyone saw it as normal. Kudos. I want to make money off your insanity as mine surely cannot compare.
Another note on crazy; fuck, I hate drunk me. It's like your mind stays home in bed while your body is rented out to the nuthouse (or someone who really shouldn't have control of a body). I used to remember EVERYTHING, now it's just moods and the basic events of the night (which comes in handy for finding a safe place to crash). Luckily, I haven't been drinking much at all anymore. Throwing punches at my ex-boss because I've been drugged and made over-intoxicated is one thing (one pretty bad thing)...being a cold heartless bitch is another. I do naturally push people away (it's from being a loner who's sick of being hurt and from having loved the wrong person who convinced me no one actually cared about me, no one is actually my friend. Yeah, try that one on for 4 years. I really need to rip him a new one for that if I'm choosing to associate with him again. Dreadful fucker)...I've done some horrible things, said or thought of some horrible things, about almost everyone I love.
Back to the drawing board...This model needs an update if it should be successful.

Bah, I'm sick of obsessing over sleep, I'm sick of waking up like a grumpy bear and I'm sick of the lazy streak. I have a cat who's on his last strands of happy with me...It's really late...I have some jobs to apply for in the sunny part of the day and need to get ready to embrace some money, yay! (Me being hopeful, as though a job will just point to me and say that I complete it...also because I'm thrifty and have bags of goodies to sell.)

Random Jumble Before Good Radio Listening...

Firstly, I had a little relapse in the mental health department. Feeling much better after the fact. Always helps to let a little insanity out in small bursts...I think. Definately need to let it all out as it's eating away at me and I'm destroying my relationships with others when I let it out unknowingly.
Secondly, I don't want to remove the only form of contraception that has worked for me. I kinda want to just disapear and never go to the appointment to remove it (2 more years). Hurt a lot to go in, fear taking it out...It's my safety net with random bouts of pain.
Thirdly, "I'm so mad at myself, I don't want to talk to myself or look at my face in the mirror." Haha, odd little quote I wrote myself. When you are so used to hiding away from people, you kinda get sick of your own shit.

Radio is driving me nuts. FM doesn't seem to work in the house, AM is loud and clear...The one show I've decided to listen to until Coast to Coast AM comes on, is infuriating. Fun to listen to while running around the city with nothing to say to the other person in the car. Not so much while trying to paint cards for friends. The opera is nice though. Seems random and not like what is actually on the radio.

Living in my head, in my dreams. It's nice as life is more interesting for me (this coming from someone who lives in an odd little world to begin with). Definately helps with the going to sleep issue. I have to make up things that will never happen, because they never will happen. It could just be forsight or wishful dreaming...yeah...weird...natter natter...Creepy.

Ooh, time to go...yay!

Feeling Rotten

I look and feel like I'm rotting away. Legs are purple, blue, red & white, with bruises that have their own colour. Carrying home groceries earlier felt like someone was dragging from behind me. No idea why, or nothing that really makes complete sense. Maybe I need a routine to follow for once. Randomly wandering around the city at all hours of the day and night, sleeping when my brain finally wears itself out...not the best routine to have. My mind cuts out mid-sentence and I start mumbling nonsense when I'm trying to have a serious conversation.

Men must cry a lot as I have caught many crying. It's really odd. While I was heading to the grocery store, I ran into the young annoying guy from downstairs. He had tears welled up in his eyes and he wasn't sure where he was going, but he was trying to avoid me. He asked for a cigarette, I told him no. I asked if he was ok (stupid girl, keep walking! Be heartless!), "yeah, my girlfriend just broke up with me." I got outside. Walked to the steps, paused, when to the window and knocked (something I never figured I would do myself, like the random people who show up at all hours). I gave him a cigarette and continued walking. I'm a sucker for man tears, probably because they are so confusing. Of course it's not that strange to see a skrawny, 18 year old (I think), try-hard "tough" guy cry. I could beat this little shit up if I wanted to. However, this older guy I once knew, made of muscle, scary looking monster if you weren't on his good side. He injured himself and I, of course, was the only one to see him cry.
And women are the fairer sex, how? We cry, of course, but it seems like we are just like men in our own special way, but better at a lot of things. I'd go on, but I just like leaving in there. :)

Ah, what an odd day. Had a lovely discussion with my ex. It was actually pretty upbeat and enjoyable for the both of us. People aren't happy that I'm talking to him again, but I can't just leave him high and dry. I don't view him in a sexual way at all. So I still find him handsome, but there's a mental block keeping me from even wanting to see him naked. I just really missed having him as my friend. We are disgusting, weird, fucked up, childish and the words flow out. Everytime I try to socialize with people I've lost touch with, I think of things to say and shut myself down. They don't care about your random thoughts or adventures or things they have never even heard of. I open my mouth, and then close it and look away as though I'm with a stranger. My ex and I are annoying and disturbed and trained in the ways of each others random nerdiness. 1st edition William S. Burroughs! Yay me! He was the only one who understood. I even enjoyed the envy, like a spoiled child on the verge of smacking me and running away with it. He's like my fraternal twin who got more of the depression while I got more of the crazy. Bwahahaha!!
Yes, I'm pathetic for caving and forgiving and washing away all the hard feelings. Oh well. I will have no one to cry to if or when he hurts me again. It's my own fault. But then he loses me, and I'm frickin' awesome...sometimes.

Halloween!!!! It's raining outside and I want to go dance in it! I'm trying not to get all excited for Halloween if I'm just going to sit around in my crappy homemade costume, drinking and watching horror movies alone...again. Last year was my first time going to party since grade 11 and it was awful. I was followed around like some bratty child, even though I hid alone outside (and may have badgered some drunk guy from the party next door who walked over to pee by the balcony I was on) 95% of the night. This year though, my fake hubby *giggles* (even if it was just some random drunk rambling, it's nice to pretend to be normal and think marriage is something I could do...I'm not expecting anything from him) wants me to do make-up for him. Maybe he will invite me to something that he will be going to. Then I could have plans! I would have made something people will actually see that isn't my quilt worn as a skirt. Or the one of my random print t-shirts. Then I could get some critique, until people are too hammered and hoping that Leeloo's boobs pop out. Otherwise, I'm sure I could amuse myself. It's a pretty spiffy holiday for things I like to do...*more evil laughter*

Good mood, yes...
(If I could keep you alive, by any means, I would. Just too stupid and oddly egocentric to tell you when you needed to know.)

Odd...

So happy I can delete posts.

Things have been entertaining. I've had a bartender give me his number and two other guys trying to get mine. I was helping my buddy clean houses and didn't dress to impress. The owner of the first house was home, which I find is awkward. At the end he asked for my number so we could go out for coffee. I stared at him like he asked me something in a foriegn language. Of course that probably didn't make him feel very good. What do you expect from someone like me?
Lastnight at a house party, I kept noticing some guy staring at me from across the table. The Jenga tower was between us so everytime I looked at the game, I could see him. He followed me around, chatted with me. When I came back from smoking, he hands me his phone and told me to put my number in it. I went to his notepad feature and wrote "no." He sat close to me when I was watching people play Crib and handed me a sheet with tic-tac-toe set up on it. After no one won, he wrote (area code)- - and a happy face. I wrote "brat" in where my number was meant to go. He drew a sad face and left the party.
In conclusion...I'm not looking for anyone, I am content. I barely can put the effort into a social life, let alone attempt dating strangers (well, dating in general, but sometimes it's easier if you know the person). Lately, people seem to have been drawn more to me and I hate it. By the looks of it, I'm covered if I do want a relationship.

Here's another fun issue; being social. Talking isn't coming easy to me. The party lastnight was mentally exhausting as I had to talk to strangers who were drunk and I was sober. I crashed in a bed upstairs and felt a sigh of relief to be alone. Of course, I wanted to be in my own bed, but one desire at a time. I hid the other night while out with one of my close buddies. It was a nice night out and all, I just found myself drunk and alone listening to music for a little while (happy until the alcohol hit my mind in a sour way).

Things have been pretty good, outside of the contagious depression that seems to be going around. Also doesn't help that I keep wanting to just relax with my cat, in my bed, and instead I get up and go everytime I'm invited out. Tonight should be good for that. Clean a little bit, listen to some radio, maybe read or write or something. Turn off my phone and just breathe.
I miss my roomies, but it is nice to just have some quiet time, alone at home.

My brain is shutting down it seems, so I think nattering has become more of a chore. Can't write anything of interest (well, I could paraphrase my deleted drunk rambling post), so best not write at all.
(I've slipped away from the rabbit hole as the madness was getting to me. It will find me and drag me back, as it always does. Greatful for the momentary escape...)

Has Caught the Blue Bug

I don't feel very memorable. I could disapear and would be forgotten pretty fast.
Everyone is miserable or I can't find a way to communicate with anyone.
I've been having more migraines which makes work very difficult. Loud girls, bright lights (sorta, at least the one I'm stuck by), and not a whole Hell of a lot I can do about it. Having to be nice when I want to start screaming...
Awful sleep and the awful thoughts that keep me from it when I need to crash.
Feeling kinda lonely...
But whatever, things are entertaining for the most part and not really that horrible. Just a small contagious case of the blues.

Night Owl

Firstly...I'd like to say I'm sorry about my kitty (to spare a loved one from the embarassment of being associated with me). And for him. I'm an awful parent...Fucking weird job. At least I'm not hoping for things to come my way and will have NORMAL people paychecks for once! Yay! Something normal! Uhg...two days left and I think I get a day off.

Secondly, I still have reason to believe I'm still in a coma (NOTE: I have never actually been in a coma, unless this is one right now. I can believe that). I can't explain the last 24hours of almost any day lately. Random exerpts: Psychic cigarette vendors, blood where blood should NEVER come from (and this has nothing to do with me. Though there was that one time I found blood all over a spatula and realized I cut myself..And that's why they make cutting boards, kids), having to explain to a friend that no one is getting slaughtered where I work (all the screaming!)...creepy stalker guys...It's tame when you only look at interesting things in a very vague way.
I told a girl that she is going to be flat like me yesterday. Nice and loud, rubbing my chest to show my nothingness. Join the club...she wasn't happy about that. Whatever, sucks to be a flat big girl, but awesome to be flat and thin. It works better, or something like that. I do have a mosquito bite on my right one which had my buddy excited to say "Now you have three!!" His body can be found in the lake.

So I hate this one girl. As I described this awful swamp beast earlier, it's like rolling over the next day and knowing your friends are fucking pissed at you to allow you to go home with...THAT. I do like having people to hate though as it makes me feel so much better looking...bad personality, ugliness grows on the outside. Great personality, beautiful. She was decent when I was last out here, but each day I'm stuck looking at her, she rots. It's really gross but kinda neato. So if I don't have time to think about my personal feelings towards myself because I'm furious with someone else, I can give myself a thumbs up in the "getting better" department. Good for the ego, having enemies.

I need someone to have an attraction to. Maybe it should be someone I could NEVER have so that it will last a long time. I miss that rush and that sick feeling, the stupid that-wasn't-even-a-sentence! conversations. I think the girl at 7-11 was flirting with me. Stupid boy should have come in with me to let me know if our banter was flirting. She let me know she was gay, but it was obvious and I'm friends with her friend so if I'm blind, I best be deaf too ("I want to hook you guys up"). Grr...Feeling pretty pathetic: "Oh, I'm going to be single forever, but I'm going to shop the fuck out of people around me."

Well, it is getting pretty late in the morning. Time to retire. Fuck, the cat doesn't even rip my hand open while I'm trying to sleep. Makes me miss my handsome bastard who prays to Robert Smith before cuddling with me like I'm the cat (mommies still love claws under the chin and behind the ears, right?). :'(

Randomness

When I'm out of town, I don't use the computer as much, which is nice, though I only get it when no one is home or everyone is sleeping at my home which doesn't make it more often.

So things have been normal (aka things that are rediculously difficult to explain to normal people), which includes a brother-sister relationship with my ex (though he would rather consider me his dog because I'm reliable and the like...or just because he's an ass). Of course one of my close buddies is concerned that my weak heart or drunken self will do inappropriate things with my ex. My ex is concerned that I'll get emotionally involved with some guy friend of his that I have no interest in. If I talk to boys, apparently they will hurt me and I'm too weak to make my own decisions. Oh, the gender with the danglie-bits is so entertaining!
If none of them can tame me, then why should they try protecting me from other boys? The other boys need to learn not to play with someone who wants to hurt them. It is rediculous though, that regardless of my deminished attraction towards one silly boy, I can't say no to him (love him to pieces, but don't want to claim him as mine). I treat him like I would anyone else I care about...fuck I don't make sense in my own damn head most of the time, please do ignore me.

I've been bad...As is broken blood vessels on the eyelids (like ink splotches) and running on no sleep. Many great explainations why, but mostly because I want to. I spend so much time alone, sitting on the floor in my room trying to be creative and hoping for money to come my way or staring at a screen watching things I have no interest in. It's nice to escape once and awhile, sometimes with my lovely partner in crime (though the one I can do real bad things with is going to be back in my life real soon! Yay!). Out of town, away from old friends, being naughty with new friends I adore. I did realize that I'm a goodie two shoes when I know my limit (and alcohol only has a limit when it's coming back up, thus the ink blots I've been sporting...still need to figure that one out).

Travel and no playtime makes me a strange, sad little girl. Sitting in a little pub done up in posters and record covers(&records), staring at a young Elvis (looking more like Brando than Elvis), Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Marilyn Monroe, Davie Bowie...Pretty...My buddy looking at me wondering what's ticking in my little head. I've been happier, which brings back my lovely sexdrive. The real sad part to this is that it has only been a week and a couple days without it. It has only felt like forever. Ugh, fucking pathetic. It doesn't help that I'm surrounded by quite a few beautiful women, having a cute androgynous girl a 7-11 to flirt with (as my friend wants to hook us up...yeah, guys are easy, girls are difficult and as much as I'd love to, I'm terrified) and nothing I can do about my frustration. Ok, not nothing, but it's awkward in other peoples homes.

Lovely day wandering around town. From 12 o'clock this afternoon until about 6, I have pretty much been on my feet walking. I have blisters and my legs are sore (my nerves were vibrating when I sat down). It was worth it as most of the time was spent with an old friend of mine. Try for one more visit with each other before I head home...even though he might be moving back! Yay! I'm mean, sad for his relationship, sad for not being able to see him when I head out of town to my frequent haunt, but yay!
Fuck...If work is through here...then I won't see my buddies very often anymore. :'( No more crazy advetures and trekking along on the stupid Greyhound for the sake of the amazing people on either end. Yeah, because I didn't have enough problems trying to sleep, that I had to go out of my way to think and see things that are around the bend. Grr...

Going to attempt sleep (maybe with the assistance of a desireable sleep aid) as tomorrow is the beginning of 6 days straight of work.