Crawling Under my Skin

Wow, my last post was an odd drunken rant...which is why I should just go to sleep when I'm so intoxicated! I'm actually quite surprised that I was coherent. 3/4's of a bottle of Jack and 3 beers (the cabbie was right for asking if we had open liquor in the cab...I passed it off as that we just reek like a brewery and tucked my open beer into my bag). It was a good night with people I care about. My buddy and I ended up at a casino, plastered at 1:30 in the morning, won 95 cents and left while we were ahead. While waiting for a taxi, I recieved a most offensive remark which I still cannot comprehend now. Since it was cold out, I decided to put on some pants, to which a woman looked at me, made it known that she was offended and sped away on foot leaving her man alone. My buddy piped up in my defence and they had a short lived arguement as he chased after his woman...I just kept saying "what the fuck?!"
We walked around with our "metal" voices which explains why my throat hurt so much the next day. Luckily I was just exhausted and not violently ill (which I should have been considering how much I drank...I forgot to mention that 1/2 the bottle of Jack was from earlier and the last quater was at the casino. Not like we really needed it, we just wanted to continue drinking).

Right now I'm contemplating what I want to do. There are places and people welcoming me, however, I'm trapped. Drinking alone for now, hoping that I will make up my mind or drink myself to sleep.
As bad as that sounds, I just can't sleep at night, I have no drive to do anything and I lay awake trying to force myself to sleep at the wee hours of the morning. My body is restless, my mind is restless and I'm lonely and bored (so depression is kicking in). I'm not really bothered by depression as much anymore as I have to take the bad to balance out the good. My problem is more that I don't want to do anything without my new bestfriend as I hate leaving her out and everything is so much better with her. I can still go out without her and have a great time, I just enjoy her company and feel safer when she is there. Which is silly of me though as other friends of mine will look after me as if I was their little sister. I really love the feeling that people care enough about me to look out for me. I'm just as loyal to them (I love my friends too much to see something bad happen to them...even if my own neurosis makes me hate them and constantly assume they are backstabbing me, I will still look after them. It's not their fault that I'm fucked up so I pretend I'm not for everyone's sake).

Oh, right now I'm having shitloads of issues that aren't really all that big or important. Men have gone back on my bad list. I do care a lot about the men in my life, I'm just feeling self-conscious and really hating being in my own skin.
Fuck...Nothing is really important right now. I'm going to get the fuck out of here and live in my lovely limbo world where I feel more comfortable (numb...). Maybe I need to finally cry? I can't seem to cry anymore so things most likely build-up to the point where I feel sick (inside and out).
Just breathe...