Honey, you are driving me crazy...

Another naughty secret,
Another visit to Wonderland.
Hiding in the shadows,
Under many suspecting noses.
Sneak off into the night
To set some sheets on fire.
It's getting hard to function
Stuck in a sexual daze...

I can't explain how absolutely bazarre my life can get. I have gone from professional loner to having an entourage, being chased and having some strange power to get who I want (at least it seems to be a power...). Sex appeal...weird...I guess my sex drive has been externalized (as I haven't had anyone to release myself on to calm myself internally...which is a lie I guess...I've had all the choice in the world since Boffo the Mofo Clown of an ex has left my life and have taken some advantage of it...).
The only thing REALLY bothering me is how miserable one of my buddies must be. I want to be there for her so bad, but there isn't much I can do (though I would marry her just because I love her and can't stand to see her so hurt)...She needs space, but we need a good innappropriate yelling and cursing match in public so she can let it all out. Whenever someone I care about is happy my life is horrible. When their life is miserable, my life is better. I would give up my own happiness so they wouldn't be miserable.
I can deal with the men who are trying to get my attention (moreso if my "lover" is with me, but I always seem to screw us out of free drinks because I want these men gone NOW rather than play some game) and anything redicuous health wise (like a 37 day period which still makes an appearance every few hours...I'm not counting anymore). There is the stress and chaos that I'm used to...so my personal day-to-day life is fine...
...aside from you.
You are a problem. You are a high. I honestly can't escape this trance (and I have tried so many times before). You laugh as others beg for my attention and as you give me one word associations of your dirty thoughts. There is so much tension I am faint at times.

*sigh* I doubt I'll ever escape this Wonderland...
("I'd like sleep with him, pushing in the pin...")

"Lastnight, I Dreampt Somebody Loved Me..."

Are we to run away? If only for a little while. Are we to forget about this city and the world we know and live in a short lived fantasy? Are we doing this for thrills and to tame some wild hormones? You know you shouldn't desire me...and I've hated you for my own desire of you. (If you are alone dear, and if I'm near you...I hope we don't get caught dear...)

I'm over my ex and I've been feeling so much better. I think he was my sickness and the few loved ones who could deal with my insanity were my cure. I needed someone to save me for quite sometime and now I owe my life to this someone. We became friends by working together and after knowing her for not even a year, I feel like she is my sister. I love and adore her.
So for the past...almost four years I have been slowly dying (if not trying to kill myself). I can't dump all my misery on that wretched man, but he definately had a HUGE part in it all (as I probably would be more stable by now...or I might not have met anyone I know now, but I would have others still in my life). He dropped by to get something he gave me and after he was out of my house I felt like I was suffocating and I'm miserable now. He has impacted my life in such a negitive way that I feel a rush of all this negitivity when I see him. I feel like I'm going to vomit.
He wrote me a sexual message and I was more furious than turned on as he probably was hoping of me (you have a woman, fuck her. I don't feel like hating myself anymore right now).
Just seeing him makes me want to rip apart my flesh or destroy myself (anything self destructive). I want him to feel this. I want him to ache. I loathe him for what he did to my life (Again, I am to blame for allowing it and not really doing anything). I don't want him dead, but I can't consider associating myself with him until I can actually talk to him without wanting to hurt myself. Earlier this week someone mentioned his name and mine and I felt horrible. I didn't want to still be attatched to him from others. Everyone asks me how he is doing and I have nothing to say. I could careless, just so long as he's happy with his own life and leaves me alone.

Someone implied that I was a weed in the "friendship garden" while commenting on me to a friend of mine. So I have been working on a dandilion to represent how horrible of a person I am. I'm loyal as a dog, I listen and I become emotionally involved in giving my all in aiding a distressed friend. Getting drunk and ill because I'm going through an emotionally distressful time myself makes me a bad person. Ok, fine. So be it. I know I'm not perfect. I know I can do horrible things. You know what? That's probably why I lose my friends. Because I'm a fucking weed who has nothing to offer and I just drain everyone of anything I can get out of them. That sounds like me to a T.
Sorry. My mood has been destroyed. I was feeling great for once (I have been truely happy lately. I have been enjoying whatever I can get out of my life, I've been told that I seem more LIVELY. That shocked me). Now I'm old, familiar numb.

LAST NIGHT I DREAMPT THAT SOMEBODY LOVED ME
Last night I dreamt
That somebody loved me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

Last night I felt
Real arms around me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

So, tell me how long
Before the last one ?
And tell me how long
Before the right one ?

The story is old - I KNOW
But it goes on
The story is old - I KNOW
But it goes on
Oh, GOES ON
And on
Oh, goes on
And on...
~The Smiths