"Lastnight, I Dreampt Somebody Loved Me..."

Are we to run away? If only for a little while. Are we to forget about this city and the world we know and live in a short lived fantasy? Are we doing this for thrills and to tame some wild hormones? You know you shouldn't desire me...and I've hated you for my own desire of you. (If you are alone dear, and if I'm near you...I hope we don't get caught dear...)

I'm over my ex and I've been feeling so much better. I think he was my sickness and the few loved ones who could deal with my insanity were my cure. I needed someone to save me for quite sometime and now I owe my life to this someone. We became friends by working together and after knowing her for not even a year, I feel like she is my sister. I love and adore her.
So for the past...almost four years I have been slowly dying (if not trying to kill myself). I can't dump all my misery on that wretched man, but he definately had a HUGE part in it all (as I probably would be more stable by now...or I might not have met anyone I know now, but I would have others still in my life). He dropped by to get something he gave me and after he was out of my house I felt like I was suffocating and I'm miserable now. He has impacted my life in such a negitive way that I feel a rush of all this negitivity when I see him. I feel like I'm going to vomit.
He wrote me a sexual message and I was more furious than turned on as he probably was hoping of me (you have a woman, fuck her. I don't feel like hating myself anymore right now).
Just seeing him makes me want to rip apart my flesh or destroy myself (anything self destructive). I want him to feel this. I want him to ache. I loathe him for what he did to my life (Again, I am to blame for allowing it and not really doing anything). I don't want him dead, but I can't consider associating myself with him until I can actually talk to him without wanting to hurt myself. Earlier this week someone mentioned his name and mine and I felt horrible. I didn't want to still be attatched to him from others. Everyone asks me how he is doing and I have nothing to say. I could careless, just so long as he's happy with his own life and leaves me alone.

Someone implied that I was a weed in the "friendship garden" while commenting on me to a friend of mine. So I have been working on a dandilion to represent how horrible of a person I am. I'm loyal as a dog, I listen and I become emotionally involved in giving my all in aiding a distressed friend. Getting drunk and ill because I'm going through an emotionally distressful time myself makes me a bad person. Ok, fine. So be it. I know I'm not perfect. I know I can do horrible things. You know what? That's probably why I lose my friends. Because I'm a fucking weed who has nothing to offer and I just drain everyone of anything I can get out of them. That sounds like me to a T.
Sorry. My mood has been destroyed. I was feeling great for once (I have been truely happy lately. I have been enjoying whatever I can get out of my life, I've been told that I seem more LIVELY. That shocked me). Now I'm old, familiar numb.

LAST NIGHT I DREAMPT THAT SOMEBODY LOVED ME
Last night I dreamt
That somebody loved me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

Last night I felt
Real arms around me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm

So, tell me how long
Before the last one ?
And tell me how long
Before the right one ?

The story is old - I KNOW
But it goes on
The story is old - I KNOW
But it goes on
Oh, GOES ON
And on
Oh, goes on
And on...
~The Smiths