~...Dysmorphophobia...~

Falling Into Insignificant Lies And Living Through Falsities...Everything Is Chaotic And Delectable Distorted Imagery... "They tend to be suspicious, bristly, paranoid-type people with huge egos they push around like some elephantiasis victim with his distended testicles in a wheelbarrow terrified no doubt that some skulking ingrate of a clone student will sneak into his very brain and steal his genius work." ~WSB

vrijdag, oktober 20, 2006

"Where There Really Be a Morning?"

This surge of anxiety will knock me flat on me arse.
So I have found a slight interest in a male in my life. How innappropriate. I think I'm just really greedy. I want to take everyone in my life I adore, stick them in a jar and hold them as my own. It hurts my ex to know this. I thought it was more loyal to someone who doesn't want me to tell them of what is going through my head. The thing is, it will fade, as does everything else. How can I love someone who doesn't know me? How can I give up the piece of my heart I have been fighting the greater portion of the year to get back? I have had such bizarre feelings as of lately. I don't feel like myself anymore.
A problem that has arised in my life comes in the matter of relocation. I have been desiring escape for so long, though now I have more emotion in place of this Hell. It's my home. It's where I have people I love. I actually love which is strange, and has obviously become a weakness. My ex has to find a place to live and is considering leaving to BC. He asked if I would go. I really don't know. I love him but what happens when I move my life to suit him and he no longer loves me anymore. That's my basic fear. That I will give up everything for him to have him abandon me. Maybe that's why I fancy others, so that I may have options or even a challenge to seduce, or I'm planning for the moment he breaks my heart again. I'm sick of questioning his loyality, my sexuality, and what I really want. Am I lying to myself?
Why can't my psychiatrist do his damn job?! I want some results. Tell me what is wrong and if it's serious enough, I'll take drugs, if it's an emotional phase, I'll get over it. I need help and there is too much building up around me. I am so happy I can forget my reality in this city to visit a female I care for. Some shared aid for both of us on my trip. I really do miss her and she brings some relief to my madness.

I sort of desire to sell my sexuality for whatever I can get for it. If I am merely an object for men to toy with, why not make money out of it. I was thinking of being safe and getting into more exotic dancing, stripping, waitressing rather than walking the streets and selling actual intercourse. Apparently, heavy feminists and lesbians get mixed up in such a trade because of how disconnected they feel towards men. In a straight womans sex life, it get's more in the way. See this is interesting. From what I have read, this seems 50% true. Valerie Solanas hated men and was an extreme feminist (fema-nazi, so beyond the original ideals of feminism). She was a prostitute for a good portion of her life. As much as she hated men, she used (profitted) them they way she new how (whether or not she really wanted the life).
After my escapes from this reality, I will have to face the mental burdens my ex has bestowed upon me. I do really wish to leave...

Francis Farmer suffered 11 years of her life without actual cause. She was a rebel and locked away in a mental institution, given a trasnorbital lobotomy, and abused by her mother upon regaining a glimmer of freedom. I'm so sick of hearing so much drama (even my own), I would want to see someone go through her misery and tell me how bad their lives were beforehand.