My Dear, Please Make up Your Mind.

My ex is upset when I go out with a girlfriend, upset when I'm out with a guy, upset when I repeat to him what he said to me before (something that really hurt me too. When I repeat myself, I act as though I am vile because that is how I feel). The twist is, he gets to go out ALL the time with women he has fucked or attempted to fuck and "enjoy" being single (I'm sure he is waiting for the day that easy ex-goth desides to spread her legs for him). He can pick me up at late hours of the night for company so when we get to his place he is glued to the computer, smoking Tea all the while I'm alone watching tv or staring blankly into the darkness of his room. He has no right to get upset at me if I decide I need someone to LOVE ME IN RETURN. If he is hoping I will wait around, he will probably be lucky until I smarten up. It is really hard to love someone who treats one farily foul, but it is REALLY hard to let them go. Out of anger I tend to want to drop him like a hat, but once we depart, I have to call him or rip my body to shreads. I am so upset. Why do I always have to get hurt? I guess I set myself up for it, but this whole situation is far from fair.
So...I hate work, hate myself, hate talking to people, hate how he treats me, hate the sun which thankfully has been hiding (FINALLY SOME RAIN!!), I hate hate hate...is this angst? I am to awkward around someone I have feelings for to make any moves (and probably have given her the impression I don't want to be intimate with her unless it is out of spite). The man I love a little too much doesn't have anything decent to give to me (such as time. Today we saw his movie, then ignored my movie for pain and disatisfaction because I have HORRIBLE taste in everything! I can't have a relationship with him because the want to explore vaginas of the city is more important then someone who has too much love and loyalty. Jeeze, now aren't I the bitch!). "Welcome to your permanant, nightmarish conundrum!"
So I think I'm going to go have some fun with some sleeping pills...

Alive: yes, Happy: no.

I was doing alright, things were lovely between my ex and I (and eventually the little girl was eraced), but with all good things must come the bad. I have been sick for well over a month, poisoned myself with a herbal contraceptive, and let the fighting and crying begin. I'm deep in a love hole over my ex (still) and he wants to go exploring the easy womans vagina for awhile. So an act I used to see as special and a beautiful way to show two humans feelings for each other is turning into something pointless. I am also worried that when a girl does decide to spread for him that I will get hurt again and I will finally lose him. He doesn't seem to notice that...Or maybe he really doesn't care. I feel so unattractive right now and I am craving the love I used to have. I really wish we could maintain the wonderful days much longer and that arguements are short and non-destructive if they happen at all. That would be so lovely...but I doubt he would actually want me back, even if things stayed good, or decent.
When he was dating that wretched female, he told me many things you shouldn't tell the weak hearted. They were horrible things in the beginning and things women die to hear in the end. Eventually I talked about the chance that I might have found someone else and it bothered him. He might be doing that to me now to see how it effects me, but I highly doubt it. He probably won't even react when I do actually find someone else.

My mother is everything I hate, and in highschool, she would have been one of the girls to pick on me. She decided to discuss marijuana with me...how today's marijuana is stronger then back in the day. I lack respect for majority of teaheads and I made sure she knew that. All she got from me today was a hug, in the hospital at 2 :30 in the morning...and really, that is more then she deserved.

Last night I got a call from my sisters friend who put me on the line with my sister. I couldn't understand her and I was told she was going to the hospital. I was REALLY worried because I didn't know what was wrong and neither of us wanted our parents to find out (we have a really bad family...). The police and docters thought she was on ecstacy, or retarded or mixing drugs...she was sober and I knew damn well she was even if I only talked to her friend over the phone. The police yelled at my sisters friend (apparently crying and showing concern isn't what sober people do...I don't know how that makes sense), and they called my parents. My mother called me without a pinch of concern in her voice...I was WAY more concerned for someone I was related to then she was over someone she gave birth to. I cried while I was on the phone with my sisters friend and that didn't really stop until I actually knew I could go to the hospital (so after some time on the car ride there). Really, my parents and brother could die or be and the hospital and there is a good chance I wouldn't cry, but my sister is the only one in this house I can talk to and I am the same for her. She was fine when I got there and I could finally set my mind to ease and sleep when I got to my ex's (I don't sleep at ome anymore it seems...).

So the three people I really care for have had bad things happen to them over the past few weeks...I believe I should be worried...

TERRIBLE ANGELS
If every angel's terrible
Then why do you welcome them
If every angel's terrible
Then why do you welcome them
If every angel's terrible
Then why do you welcome them
You provide the birdbath
I provide the skin
And bathing in the moonlight
I'm to tremble like a kitten
If blue eyed babes
Raised as hitler's little brides and sons
They got angelic tendencies
Like some boys tend to act like queens
Oh if every angel's terrible
Then why do you watch her sleep
You love to hear her sing
And wear purple eyes like rings
Well the flowers have no scent
And the child's been miscarried
Oh every angel's terrible
Said freud and rilke all the same
Rimbaud never paid them no mind
But jimmi morrison had his elevators
His elevators
He had his elevator angels
If every angel's terrible
Why do you hide inside her
Like a child in a skirt
The supermarket's loud and bright
And boy don't she feel warm tonight
Boy don't she feel warm tonight
Boy don't she feel warm tonight
If every angel's terrible...
-Cocorosie