Alive: yes, Happy: no.

I was doing alright, things were lovely between my ex and I (and eventually the little girl was eraced), but with all good things must come the bad. I have been sick for well over a month, poisoned myself with a herbal contraceptive, and let the fighting and crying begin. I'm deep in a love hole over my ex (still) and he wants to go exploring the easy womans vagina for awhile. So an act I used to see as special and a beautiful way to show two humans feelings for each other is turning into something pointless. I am also worried that when a girl does decide to spread for him that I will get hurt again and I will finally lose him. He doesn't seem to notice that...Or maybe he really doesn't care. I feel so unattractive right now and I am craving the love I used to have. I really wish we could maintain the wonderful days much longer and that arguements are short and non-destructive if they happen at all. That would be so lovely...but I doubt he would actually want me back, even if things stayed good, or decent.
When he was dating that wretched female, he told me many things you shouldn't tell the weak hearted. They were horrible things in the beginning and things women die to hear in the end. Eventually I talked about the chance that I might have found someone else and it bothered him. He might be doing that to me now to see how it effects me, but I highly doubt it. He probably won't even react when I do actually find someone else.

My mother is everything I hate, and in highschool, she would have been one of the girls to pick on me. She decided to discuss marijuana with me...how today's marijuana is stronger then back in the day. I lack respect for majority of teaheads and I made sure she knew that. All she got from me today was a hug, in the hospital at 2 :30 in the morning...and really, that is more then she deserved.

Last night I got a call from my sisters friend who put me on the line with my sister. I couldn't understand her and I was told she was going to the hospital. I was REALLY worried because I didn't know what was wrong and neither of us wanted our parents to find out (we have a really bad family...). The police and docters thought she was on ecstacy, or retarded or mixing drugs...she was sober and I knew damn well she was even if I only talked to her friend over the phone. The police yelled at my sisters friend (apparently crying and showing concern isn't what sober people do...I don't know how that makes sense), and they called my parents. My mother called me without a pinch of concern in her voice...I was WAY more concerned for someone I was related to then she was over someone she gave birth to. I cried while I was on the phone with my sisters friend and that didn't really stop until I actually knew I could go to the hospital (so after some time on the car ride there). Really, my parents and brother could die or be and the hospital and there is a good chance I wouldn't cry, but my sister is the only one in this house I can talk to and I am the same for her. She was fine when I got there and I could finally set my mind to ease and sleep when I got to my ex's (I don't sleep at ome anymore it seems...).

So the three people I really care for have had bad things happen to them over the past few weeks...I believe I should be worried...

TERRIBLE ANGELS
If every angel's terrible
Then why do you welcome them
If every angel's terrible
Then why do you welcome them
If every angel's terrible
Then why do you welcome them
You provide the birdbath
I provide the skin
And bathing in the moonlight
I'm to tremble like a kitten
If blue eyed babes
Raised as hitler's little brides and sons
They got angelic tendencies
Like some boys tend to act like queens
Oh if every angel's terrible
Then why do you watch her sleep
You love to hear her sing
And wear purple eyes like rings
Well the flowers have no scent
And the child's been miscarried
Oh every angel's terrible
Said freud and rilke all the same
Rimbaud never paid them no mind
But jimmi morrison had his elevators
His elevators
He had his elevator angels
If every angel's terrible
Why do you hide inside her
Like a child in a skirt
The supermarket's loud and bright
And boy don't she feel warm tonight
Boy don't she feel warm tonight
Boy don't she feel warm tonight
If every angel's terrible...
-Cocorosie