My Dear, Please Make up Your Mind.

My ex is upset when I go out with a girlfriend, upset when I'm out with a guy, upset when I repeat to him what he said to me before (something that really hurt me too. When I repeat myself, I act as though I am vile because that is how I feel). The twist is, he gets to go out ALL the time with women he has fucked or attempted to fuck and "enjoy" being single (I'm sure he is waiting for the day that easy ex-goth desides to spread her legs for him). He can pick me up at late hours of the night for company so when we get to his place he is glued to the computer, smoking Tea all the while I'm alone watching tv or staring blankly into the darkness of his room. He has no right to get upset at me if I decide I need someone to LOVE ME IN RETURN. If he is hoping I will wait around, he will probably be lucky until I smarten up. It is really hard to love someone who treats one farily foul, but it is REALLY hard to let them go. Out of anger I tend to want to drop him like a hat, but once we depart, I have to call him or rip my body to shreads. I am so upset. Why do I always have to get hurt? I guess I set myself up for it, but this whole situation is far from fair.
So...I hate work, hate myself, hate talking to people, hate how he treats me, hate the sun which thankfully has been hiding (FINALLY SOME RAIN!!), I hate hate hate...is this angst? I am to awkward around someone I have feelings for to make any moves (and probably have given her the impression I don't want to be intimate with her unless it is out of spite). The man I love a little too much doesn't have anything decent to give to me (such as time. Today we saw his movie, then ignored my movie for pain and disatisfaction because I have HORRIBLE taste in everything! I can't have a relationship with him because the want to explore vaginas of the city is more important then someone who has too much love and loyalty. Jeeze, now aren't I the bitch!). "Welcome to your permanant, nightmarish conundrum!"
So I think I'm going to go have some fun with some sleeping pills...