Neglect.

My life is never going to get better it seems. I have been trying so hard to make this year better, however, my efforts have been worthless. Currently, I'm dying emotionally. This neglect is building up and I wish I was actually dying. I hate myself, I hate everything about myself and I really just want to end my miserable life. My job and the sleep it brings me are my only escapes from these thoughts and feelings. I don't even have my cat to bring me a pinch of happiness. I'm sure he hates me for ditching him (totally against my will, mind you). Being awake for about an hour, and all I can do is cry.
My ex seems to feel nothing whatsoever about me. It's funny that I felt this shitty this time last year. I just cannot escape this negitivity and this self-loathing I continuously feel.
How can I love myself when I can't keep the most important people in my life? How can I give love without recieving it as well? I feel as though everyone I know has given up on me. I feel so unloveable, shuned and not worth hearing.
Fuck it all. Fuck. I'm SO fucking sick of trying. NOTHING is working. NOTHING is getting better and I am SERIOUSLY sick of it. I'm giving this year a chance until I finally have an uncontrollable break down. Then I can't say what I will do. I really don't care enough to take ANYONE's feelings into consideration because no one has shown me that I matter. As greedy as that sounds, I'm sick of being alone.
I wish to devote my life to one person. The one person I desire, the one person I have attempted to show how much they mean to me, could probably careless if I live to see another day, or at least wouldn't notice if I went missing.
I hate myself and I desire to die.